The “C” Word – Day 51 Facing Fear and Moving On

The definition of fear: 

Noun:  An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat
Synonyms:  Terror, fright, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, dismay, distress, anxiety, worry, unease, nervousness, foreboding

Verb: To be afraid of someone or something as likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening.
Synonyms: To be afraid of, scared of, to dread, to live in fear of, be terrified of, to be anxious about, to worry about

There has been a lot of fear of late.  Rightly so.  We are facing a demon that is seemingly daunting.  There have been times that we have had too much negative information.  Other times when we were not certain of what road we would need to take, where we would get treatment.  For a time we did not even know if there WAS treatment and that was quite scary.

We have come a long way in seven weeks.  We finally started getting better news.  We discovered that not only is there a treatment plan but that this treatment is available right in our back yard.  We have had a medical team fall into place and have seen a huge outpouring of faith and prayers from those in our community.

Yet, fear still lurks around every corner of the room.

George’s fears: The surgery.  He worries that at the “go or no go” part of the surgery that they will take a look around and say, “no go, close him up”.  He fears that he won’t wake up.  Underlying fear is that when he does wake up he will not be “whole”.  He fears the future and whether or not this cancer will come back and how long until he has to face this same surgery again.  There are times he has a look of sheer terror in his eyes.  And no words I speak bring him comfort.  Nothing anyone says or does can completely wash away the fear. 

My fears.  They are not as strong, but I do have a couple of them.  While I do have some concern about the unknowns in the whole surgical process it is something I choose to not worry about.  The chances are slim that there will be a “no go”.  I will deal with that if or when it happens.

No, my greatest fear is the future and how George will handle it. How will he deal with the knowledge that this cancer may come back?  How will he move past this whole ordeal?  Will he be able to put this part of the journey behind him and get on with the business of living… and not just “living” but enjoying and creating new memories and be happy?  Will he be able to shoo away this cloud that is looming over his shoulder for the rest of his life and just “be”?  I am afraid that he will not be able to do that.  I worry that our lives will continue to be in a holding pattern just waiting for the next disaster.

We have had some discussions about the fears he has.  He is wondering if he is wrong to worry, if he is being a “wuss” about this.  My explanation to him was that it was not unfounded.  We have had a LOT to deal with in just seven weeks and it is hard to wrap one’s head around it all in such a short amount of time.  I told him that once we are over this first hurdle he will need to really look at further therapy in order to move forward.  I will encourage him to continue counseling and go to some cancer survivor support groups.  Normally he would frown on such a thing but I believe he realizes that he needs to learn some coping skills.  He needs to hear how others have not only dealt with their prognosis but how they cope with future doctor appointments, cancer recurrences, etc.  The best way to learn is to talk to others who are in the same boat as him. 

My hope is that as we move forward and put this first bit of business out of the way that we both truly give in to the wonder of life and do not forget to appreciate the beauty all around us – the love of family and friends, the awesomeness of nature, the wonders that God puts in front of us every day.  We need to look for the joy in the moments we have as we live and move and breathe the very essence of life. 

I went looking for some quotes and found:

“I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.” 
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“He who has overcome his fears will truly be free.” 
― Aristotle

“It's better to die laughing than to live each moment in fear.” 
― Michael Crichton

“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” 
― Isabel Allende, The Sum of Our Days: A Memoir