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How one views a glass
of water is sometimes how they view life and all that goes with it.
Mine is half
full. Actually, mine is fuller than
that. I have been accused of seeing the
world through rose colored glasses, of turning a blind eye to reality, etc. In other words, “too darn optimistic”. To some degree that may be true, but I am far
from being naïve. I can see some of the
bad stuff going on around, I choose not to dwell on it. I choose to believe that things happen for
reasons. That may seem rather flippant to some people. I am not always hopelessly optimistic. I do have fears that creep in at night,
usually over stupid stuff but they eat away at me. Maybe it was something I felt I did wrong at
work, or something I said that I should not have said. I have hidden certain feelings or fears from
George and, in the past, from my mom. Probably for the same reason, too…. I knew
what the lecture would be and I did not want to hear it. I was probably already playing that tape
recording over and over all by myself, I did not need it to be reinforced. Perhaps
I also did not want them to know that I was less than perfect (you would
understand that feeling if you were raised in Christian Science). Whatever the reasons, I admit that I do
sometimes have fears, some valid, some not.
I admit to feeling guilty about things I have said, not said, done or
not done. I don’t like those feelings,
so I bury them or cover them up. Sometimes
I eventually forget about them, sometimes I still think about them but can’t
change them so there’s no point to them anymore.
That being said,
though, I usually am upbeat and optimistic.
I see a challenge or a problem and I think of ways to work through
it. I start on that path. It doesn’t always work out so I re-assess and
go to Plan B or even Plan C. This is not
a direct, concise science. I just know
that eventually things will work out the way they are supposed to be so there’s
not point getting all worked up. I know,
that sounds cliché. Chalk that up to my
having faith that God will get me through whatever it is that is going on. (I probably give more credence to the “big
stuff” than the “little stuff” that I tend to worry more about. Go figure.) But
that thought process has gotten me through some pretty tough times as noted in
earlier blogs.
George looks at
things as half empty. Plan for the
worst, if you get better than that than it’s a good day. We talked about that today. We talked about how that can be a really
energy waster, draining emotionally.
Someone that views things that way always has to be planning,
re-calculating, planning, recalculated – and they forget to stop and smell the
roses along the way. It does tend to
take the fun out of life at times. There
are times George and I butt heads because our ways of thinking are totally and
completely opposite.
The therapist said
today that George was probably hard-wired that way from the beginning. It will take a good deal of work to overcome
that way of thinking. It will require a
lot of thought and a lot of motivation to want to change.
Today at therapy we
talked a little bit about fear. “What is
your biggest fear about all of this?”
Put it into words, share it out loud.
Give it a name so you can work on dispelling it and giving it less power
over you. Good place to start. When one has so much fear whether it be
having enough money to survive or not being able to find a job or wondering if
you will survive a deadly disease, that fear can be all consuming and waste so
much precious time. So take that fear
out of the closet, talk about it, learn about it, then figure out a way to deal
with it so you can put it aside even if it is only for a little while. When you do that you start filling up your
glass again so you will be ready when you have to climb another hill, hit
another bump in the road or when life throws you another curve ball.
Trying to help George figure out how to cope
has been difficult. I can offer advice,
I can prod and I can coax. It is easy to
give advice when it is not your life, not directly anyway. Sometimes the message gets skewed or
misconstrued along the way. I know that
telling George to figure out ways he can “get out of his head” is easier than
him actually doing it. But in my
experience (and others I know), when you get out and do for others you actually
make yourself feel better too. There have been times when I was feeling lousy,
either physically or emotionally, and going out and doing something for another
person totally takes my mind off of “me” and the bad feelings have gone away,
sometimes temporarily and sometimes for good. It just makes sense to me that
this would work for him too.
Some may ask how I am
coping, am I taking care of me? My
answer is that I am doing the best that I can.
I am trying to maintain my exercise schedule as much as possible. I have a job I can go to and escape the fact
that life at home can be draining between mom’s needs and George’s needs. Those can drain me a lot at times and I do
what I can to “escape” – whether it’s doing yard work, retail therapy, going to
work, etc. Again, I am not being naïve. I do know what is coming. I know there will be some rough patches. However, I absolutely know that we will get
through this with lots of love and faith.
Faith in the living water in that glass.
John 4:14 - But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall
never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of
water springing up into everlasting life.
Isaih 58:11 And the Lord will guide you continually and
satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you
shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not
fail.
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