The C Word – Day 30 How I will get through this

On days like today it is easy to forget that we have something large looming on the horizon.  Getting up in the morning, getting ready for work, going to work.  Caught up in the tasks of the day I can be lulled into a sense of security feeling like all is right with the world. 

Yet, throughout the day there are still reminders that bring the focus back to the “C” world.  I have a binder of notes, business cards, lab reports, and such.  I have a list sitting on my desk of things we still need to address.  A quick glance at the calendar tells me that there are several upcoming appointments.  And there, at the tail end of the month is a quick note, “Surgery, 7:30 AM, Good Sam”. 

It seems so simple.  I know it is not.  I know that there will be some very long days and I am prepared for that on one level.  I have my Kindle for reading, my computer for writing, my yarn for crocheting.  I know how to occupy my time while I sit and wait.  I can almost trivialize what is going to happen.  That probably sounds very strange.  I think my brain wraps itself in a ball of cotton to protect itself from harm, waiting to cushion any blows that come my way.  Am I hard wired to believe in such a positive fashion?  Or am I telling myself lies in order to get through this?  Maybe it’s a combination of the two?

When I tell George that everything will work out just fine, I do mean it.  When I tell him that I can handle this, I also mean it.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it will be hard, that it will try me in ways I won’t know until I get there.  It means that I will figure it all out in real time, when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

It reminds me of the time I went to a dentist out here.  I told this dentist that I did not want Novocain when he was doing simple cleanings and minor fillings.  I grew up without Novocain.  To me it was a pain in the you-know-what to get the injection of Novocain (you know, that pinch that you feel when they insert the needle), then wait for the Novocain to take effect and after the appointment the hour or two of drooling and tingling until sensation returns.  And for what?  Maybe a quick jolt of pain?  I told this particular dentist that I could handle things without the pain medication.  I promised him I would not bite him.  This poor guy spent the entire session worrying.  He constantly asked, “Are you okay?” and I would simply nod, “Yes”.  After all it is hard to answer with instruments in your mouth. ]I almost felt sorry for him and felt I should have Novocain just to put him at ease!  [ At the end of the appointment he commented, “I can’t believe you didn’t feel anything.”

My reply, “I never told you I wouldn’t feel anything, I told you I could handle it.”  And I did just that. 

It is not that I don’t worry.  I have moments where I worry (or wonder, or think) about the “what if’s” that might occur during surgery.  I wonder if there will be any decisions that I will have to make or approve throughout the day.  I hope there is not.  I hope that everything goes smoothly. 

I know that it will take George awhile to get through the first days and weeks.  I pray he remain strong and motivated to regain his strength after surgery.  I am sure that there will be times that I will get tired between making sure he stays on his meds (which might require getting up in the middle of the night) and making sure his mom is okay (meaning that she doesn’t get up out of bed more than once in a night which will set off the motion alarm up in my bedroom). 

I am grateful for two wonderful bosses who will allow me to take whatever time I need off in order to ensure that things are going smoothly at home.  I appreciate their willingness to give me some flexibility during this time.

I am not saying this will all be easy, but I know that I will be able to handle things as they come.  I try not to worry about all of that now as it may be wasted time.  I have been through much harder times.  I know that I have much support surrounding me and I hope that I am able to “let go” and allow those people to step in when I need it (and hope that I am smart enough to ask for help when it is needed).