The “C” Word – Day 52 The Longest Day

Our morning started around 4AM, just before the alarm was due to go off.  A quick shower, last minute packing (an Ativan for George) and we were on our way to the hospital for a 5AM check in.

Nurse Yvonne brought us back to the pre-op room and went over the check list of things that she had covered with us on the phone yesterday.  Lots of lists she had to check off.  The gowns are now a paper-like fabric that has an place for them to insert a flexible tube (like the old fashioned hair dryers). Then they turn on the machine and it injects warm air into a pocket lining in the gown to keep patients warmed.  It does give them a bigger belly (like when you have a once piece bathing suit and you jump in the pool and it fills up with air).  It does the job.

This procedure required George to get to full “bags” of fluid before they could do surgery so they primed the pump to work overtime and get it in his system as fast as they possibly could. Time moved slowly as we counted down to 7:30.  All who would be in charge of him stopped by during the last hour… the anesthesiologist (with an extra “boost” to aid in calming the anxiety), the OR nurse and the doctor. 

Then it was time for him to be wheeled away from me and into operating room number seven.  A little kiss and a hug and away he went.  And then my waiting time began.

Rosemary arrived just before 7:30, Sara arrived a little later along with some breakfast for me.  Visits by Keith, Victoria and Fred helped wile away the time that would be passed. 

At about 9:30 or so a nurse came out with the first report. “He is doing well.  They are proceeding.”  You could hear the sigh of relief from all of us – and the tears of joy that we had crossed that first hurdle of the day.  Yes, things are going to be okay. 

Lots of small talk, quick notes via phone and facebook to relay this news – and more waiting. 

Dr. Bastidas made his entrance at 11:10 to let us know how things were going.  They had just started the chemotherapy process.  He noted that they think the cancer may have started in the appendix as the mass surrounding this area was quite large.  A biopsy will be done to reveal the details.  They removed the appendix along with six inches of small intestine on one side of it and a couple of inches on the other side of it (all in one piece he said).  They removed his gall bladder which, by the way, had gall stones in it.  They removed the right and left colon but left the transverse (?) colon and rectum in place.  And they removed at least a “bucket full” of the mucin (gel) that was in his belly. He also said they used three units of blood (more than what they had expected) due to the amount of surgery that was needed. Dr. Bastidas said that George was behaving himself (haha) and after a little calculating figured he would be done around 4PM. 

Another sigh of relief and a few tears of joy. 

I ordered up some lunch for us and Keith ran out to pick it up.  We sat and visited some more, Keith, Sara, Rosemary and I.  Sara left just before two.  At 2:15 Dr. Bastidas walked into the room again.  I was shocked to see him so soon.  We went into the little conference room where he updated me and said they were all done.  He said I would be able to see George in about an hour and a half.  They will keep him sedated and intubated for the night.

The “C” Word – Day 51 Facing Fear and Moving On

The definition of fear: 

Noun:  An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat
Synonyms:  Terror, fright, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, dismay, distress, anxiety, worry, unease, nervousness, foreboding

Verb: To be afraid of someone or something as likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening.
Synonyms: To be afraid of, scared of, to dread, to live in fear of, be terrified of, to be anxious about, to worry about

There has been a lot of fear of late.  Rightly so.  We are facing a demon that is seemingly daunting.  There have been times that we have had too much negative information.  Other times when we were not certain of what road we would need to take, where we would get treatment.  For a time we did not even know if there WAS treatment and that was quite scary.

We have come a long way in seven weeks.  We finally started getting better news.  We discovered that not only is there a treatment plan but that this treatment is available right in our back yard.  We have had a medical team fall into place and have seen a huge outpouring of faith and prayers from those in our community.

Yet, fear still lurks around every corner of the room.

George’s fears: The surgery.  He worries that at the “go or no go” part of the surgery that they will take a look around and say, “no go, close him up”.  He fears that he won’t wake up.  Underlying fear is that when he does wake up he will not be “whole”.  He fears the future and whether or not this cancer will come back and how long until he has to face this same surgery again.  There are times he has a look of sheer terror in his eyes.  And no words I speak bring him comfort.  Nothing anyone says or does can completely wash away the fear. 

My fears.  They are not as strong, but I do have a couple of them.  While I do have some concern about the unknowns in the whole surgical process it is something I choose to not worry about.  The chances are slim that there will be a “no go”.  I will deal with that if or when it happens.

No, my greatest fear is the future and how George will handle it. How will he deal with the knowledge that this cancer may come back?  How will he move past this whole ordeal?  Will he be able to put this part of the journey behind him and get on with the business of living… and not just “living” but enjoying and creating new memories and be happy?  Will he be able to shoo away this cloud that is looming over his shoulder for the rest of his life and just “be”?  I am afraid that he will not be able to do that.  I worry that our lives will continue to be in a holding pattern just waiting for the next disaster.

We have had some discussions about the fears he has.  He is wondering if he is wrong to worry, if he is being a “wuss” about this.  My explanation to him was that it was not unfounded.  We have had a LOT to deal with in just seven weeks and it is hard to wrap one’s head around it all in such a short amount of time.  I told him that once we are over this first hurdle he will need to really look at further therapy in order to move forward.  I will encourage him to continue counseling and go to some cancer survivor support groups.  Normally he would frown on such a thing but I believe he realizes that he needs to learn some coping skills.  He needs to hear how others have not only dealt with their prognosis but how they cope with future doctor appointments, cancer recurrences, etc.  The best way to learn is to talk to others who are in the same boat as him. 

My hope is that as we move forward and put this first bit of business out of the way that we both truly give in to the wonder of life and do not forget to appreciate the beauty all around us – the love of family and friends, the awesomeness of nature, the wonders that God puts in front of us every day.  We need to look for the joy in the moments we have as we live and move and breathe the very essence of life. 

I went looking for some quotes and found:

“I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.” 
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“He who has overcome his fears will truly be free.” 
― Aristotle

“It's better to die laughing than to live each moment in fear.” 
― Michael Crichton

“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” 
― Isabel Allende, The Sum of Our Days: A Memoir

The “C” Word – Day 50 Numbers game

Totally random thoughts, no point to this exercise, just doing it because.

Fifty-seven and sixty-one – ages.  Just numbers, really.  Chronological – not physical.  Sometimes my knee may lock and George may get a hitch in his get-a-long but we are still young at heart.

Thirty-two – I think that is the head count for people at the block party last night.  What a good time with special neighbors.  All of them are so supportive.  We are so lucky to be in such a good area.

Twelve – the number of years we have been married (close enough… it’s only 12 or 13 days until the actual date).

Five – the number of couples that will be here this afternoon.  That’s five work buddies with their five spouses (we are included in that five).  A good number, five.  I am one of five children.  My mom was one of five children (and you note that I did not continue that cycle!!)

Four plus two plus two – the number of kids, son-in-laws and grandkids we have to date.  Unofficially we actually have a couple of more to be included in that number.

On our mind this past month have been the following numbers…

1,000,000 – or to put it another way, one in a million – the odds of getting Pseudomyxoma Peritonei or carcinomatosis. 

Fifty – the number of days it has been since initial diagnosis

Twenty – the number (or approximation) of doctors with enough experience to deal with this cancer

Fifteen – the number of boxes of Impact Recovery nutritional supplement that George has had to drink this week!

Two – the number of days until surgery

Three – the number of days until this will all be behind us!!

15 - - The number of years we have until our 25^th anniversary, one we WILL celebrate (there will be others in between, but 25 is a good number!)

The “C” Word – Day 49 Tough day – but better evening

George had a tough time getting to sleep – and staying that way.  I had some clearly weird dreams and woke up a few times.  By 6AM I just got up and decided to get the laundry done and out of the way and let George try to continue sleeping.

Then, throughout the morning, George kept dropping things and he gets so frustrated with himself when he does that.  It got to a point where I just told him to just go sit and don’t move! 

By early afternoon we were both a little testy.  It is hard to find the balance sometimes.  When to say something, when not to.  At a time like this the last thing you want to be is out of sorts with your spouse but because of all the emotions going on it seems to just happen.  Then you feel bad that you acted out in some negative way.  It’s tough sometimes.

This evening is our annual block party.  Number eight.  This is the first one that I have not been in charge of, having handed over the responsibility to a couple of other neighbors.  There should be nearly thirty people coming tonight, even if only for a short while.  We love our neighbors. This neighborhood has been such a blessing for us.  It is hard to believe we have been here for nine years! 

Although we see a few neighbors on and off during the year, we often do not have time stop and really visit.  This is our once-a-year event and most of us look forward to it.  Although we put an end time of 9PM there are some years that we are out much later.  It is nice to be on a street where we know most of the people – at least at our end of “the block”.   It is not that way in many areas not only in San Jose but around the country. 

So our night should end better than our morning.  We are counting down with just three days to go now – soon it will be just hours that we will be waiting.  I cannot wait for this phase of the waiting to be over. Waiting just drains me – and George as well.  Especially when what we are waiting for is a long surgery and some uncertainties as to what will happen in there.  There’s too much “thinking” during this waiting period. I am tired of waiting….  

The “C” Word – Day 48 Filling the day

Anxiety filled the morning air.  As the day approaches it will try to fill the air more and more each day.  Part of the cause for it today stemmed from the fact that we had to go do pre-registration and final tests at the hospital.  That took up a couple of hours of our morning.

After that, we went to take a short trip to Ardenwood Farm in Newark. It is a historical site and is still a working farm with fields of growing food and flowers. George had never been there and I think the last time I went was when my parents were in town and the kids were in elementary school.  I have a picture from that day.  Unfortunately, because of multiple classes of school children there today, we were not able to get into the farm house which George would absolutely love.  But we slowly wandered around the park looking at the various displays and at the animals.  It was a lovely day to be out of doors. 

On the way home we stopped for lunch and then to visit a couple of friends.  This weekend we will spend quite a lot of time hooking up with friends and neighbors both in person and via the phone.  It is good for us to be surrounded by them at this point in time.

One thing we have learned – anxiety and stress can be quite tiresome.  George is taking a much needed nap again this afternoon.  While he does that I am doing a little cleaning, a little catching up on some TV programs, and a little time just relaxing.  Filling up my time as best that I can.  Staying busy… keeping minds occupied with things other than cancer if we can.  

The “C” Word – Day 47 No More Work

Today was my last day of work – well, only for a week.  But it is my turn to occupy George’s time until surgery day.  Fortunately, there are a couple of fun events schedule for Sat. and Sun. evening so others will be able to help out.

I went to work early to get a head start on preparing to get everything in place as much as possible for those working next week.  It has been busy this week and it took a good part of the desk just to uncover the mess of messages, files and such.  It was good to keep busy.

I am so thankful for employers and co-workers who have really been so gracious about the time off I need to help George.  While next week and then again in three weeks (as I work for a week in between those two separate weeks) will be a lot of work for me, there will also be more follow up appointments in the weeks after surgery and during which time George will not be driving.  Of course, it is important for a second set of ears at any appointments so even when he is driving I will accompany him.

I can tell George is having a harder time today.  Not sure if it is because he did not get his now-routine nap in or if it is the fact that we are now just four days from surgery – or maybe it is the “tastes like house lint” drinks he has to take three times a day.  These days it is easy to read his emotions.  Maybe we should catch up on some of our favorite shows that we have recorded.  That could help some.  I think I will suggest that!!  We should be able to get at least one in before we retire for the night!!

The “C” Word – Day 46 So far so good

George’s week off of work is going pretty well so far.  He has figured out ways to manage his time during the day so that he is not sitting around and thinking…

Today he spent time, again, with friend Keith.  They ran a couple of errands after George finished filing his State Disability paperwork.  Included in the errands was a stop at a place called Cancer CarePoint.  We had found out about this organization from Sara some weeks ago.  I had initially looked at what they have to offer via online browsing.  We then came across their brochure at the oncologist’s office and the palliative care team spoke of them.  This past weekend I made an inquiry to them resulting in a phone conversation with one of their MSW staff.  She had said that they are open 8-5 and people can just stop in… so today George did.  They offer many supportive, non-medical services including support groups for cancer patients/survivors and caregivers, massages for patients and their families, guided meditations, counseling, nutrition advice, etc.  All of this is free which impressed George.  I believe that they are probably a heavily supported organization. 

George and Keith also stopped by my workplace and got a chance to talk to a couple of my co-workers.  Then, after an exhaustive day (LOL!)  George came home and took a very sound nap.

 Today he started on a heavy duty nutritional supplement that the surgeon requested him to take.  It is called Impact Recovery supplement.  Calorie-wise it is not super high but it is high in other nutrients that the surgeon says will greatly aid George post-surgery.  He says that it takes like household lint (I am not sure how he knows what that tastes like?!?!) so he adds chocolate sauce and ice to it and/or a banana and it is more palatable. 

One week from today George should be on his way out of the ICU and into the regular area of the hospital.  The surgery will be one day behind us!

The “C” Word – Day 45 Milestones

Gosh, I sure slept hard last night. I awoke a couple of times but did go back to sleep.  In the early morning chilly hours I recall snuggling into George and waking at just after 7AM… which, for those who know my sleeping habits recognize that this is “sleeping in” for me.  I realized that I had only about 40 minutes to get up and dressed, figure out what to have for breakfast, put something together for lunch and head out to work. Normally I prefer to have a little more time and be more leisurely in my preparations but not so this morning. 

I felt rather strange this morning and cannot quite figure out the cause (if there even is one), but was sort of lethargic at the start of the day.

If memory serves me right, it was about a year ago that George’s mom was having some major health issues and landed in the hospital for about ten days (déjà vu! That’s about the same amount of time George will be in the hospital this year.)  At that time she was diagnosed with C-Dif bacterial infection which is not a nice infection to have.  It has taken a long time to recover from that.  Even now, a year later, she is still on an antibiotic regiment! 

One week from this moment (6:30PM), George’s surgery should be done or very close to it.  That is a milestone.  Starting today we can now start saying “one week from today the worst part will be over”, or “will be moving into the regular ward at the hospital, etc. 

It is rather surreal to take into account all that has happened in just 45 days… sometimes it seems like forever ago and other times it seems like it was just yesterday.  We are ready for this part of the journey to be over.  Because no matter how much time it has been, we want to be “on the other side” of the journey and into the recovery phase. 

George managed to keep busy today.  He reconnected with a high school acquaintance, spent some time with Keith, and also installed a new shower door in the downstairs bathroom.  I would say that was a productive day!!

I kept very busy at work as I try to pull things together before taking a week off.  Some of the things that I do at the end of the month or the first part of the month I am trying to get out of the way and ready for someone else to take care of.  I have a list that I strike things off as done and then remember something new that needs to be added.  Fortunately, there is many things can wait until I return to handle.  I will just have one very busy week in between surgery week and coming home week. 

The “C” Word – Day 44 Gratitude Song

One of my “childhood” hymns has been floating around in my head the last day or so.  This morning I took the time to listen to it again, write down the words – and then put words to those things I am grateful for.  Here is a list of what I have figured out so far (this one expands on the one I wrote about last week in my list of thank you’s):

A team of experts (doctors and oncologists) that we have confidence in going forward
A supportive palliative care team to answer any questions and give us good tips
Wonderful friends who have called us, visited us, sent words of encouragement
Loving family who have stepped up and been here for us when we need them
Caring caregivers for mom to step in so that we can step back and deal with this
Supportive co-workers who have made allowances for us at work to take care of appointments
Gracious neighbors who have stopped by to chat with us
A comfortable home that we can take pride in
A lovely yard with flowers in bloom where we can go to just sit and enjoy the fresh air
A warm bed with a loving partner by my side to bring comfort to
Faith and Hope in my heart that all will be well
Sufficient income to handle the daily expenses as well as some of the “surprises” of late
The kidney stone on Aug. 9 which found this “C” word before it was too late to do anything about it.

I am sure there are more I may have forgotten about – and there will be more to come. Right now, in this moment, we have much to be grateful for. 

Here is the song that is swimming in my head….

A Grateful Heart a Garden Is

A grateful heart a garden is,
Where there is always room
For every lovely, God-like grace
To come to perfect bloom.

A grateful heart a fortress is,
A staunch and rugged tower,
Where God’s omnipotence, revealed,
Girds man with mighty power.

A grateful heart a temple is,
A shrine so pure and white,
Where angels of His presence keep
Calm watch by day or night.

Grant then, dear Father-Mother, God,
Whatever else befall,
This largess of a grateful heart
That loves and blesses all.

Words by Ethel Wasgatt Dennis, Christian Science Hymnal, No. 3 © CSBD

The “C” Word – Day 43 What if… A Prayer for Today

The sun comes up in the morning and you awaken to a clear blue sky?
Will you question the glory and wonder why?
Or will you smile at the sunshine and tell God “hi”!

The flowers bloom and the grass is green?
Will you hide in room so you won’t be seen?
Or will you run outside and make your senses keen!

A sudden storm arrives and thunder you hear
Will you shrivel up in terror and fear?
Or will you spread out your arms and shout, “Yes! Rain is here!”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I pray that our eyes our opened to the majesty and glory of those things that God puts in our lives each and every day. 

The sun… the moon… the stars… the trees… the flowers… the grass… the mountains and valleys… the lakes and streams… the oceans and the sand… the rain and the rainbow…

Close your eyes.  Can you picture each of them?  Do they make you smile? 

What if… the day gets long and you’re feeling low.  Close your eyes and let God’s glory glow… FEEL the warmth of the sun, or the sand on your feet… SEE the moon and the stars shining ever bright… FEEL the breeze he created and SEE the trees gently sway… KNOW the rain is much needed and SEE the rainbow.  HEAR the water trickling as it wends its way over rocks and waterfalls… Allow your mind to relax and enjoy what it knows about all the mighty wonders of creation.

When you open your eyes once again, do not forget that you exist because of the glory of God.  The same God that created the heavens and the earth created you.  Isn’t that wonderful?!?!

Happy Sunday!  May God Bless you in ways you never expected today and every day!

The “C” Word – Day 42 Five Stages of Grief

While the model of the five stages of grief was first used for those experiencing death or impending death, it is often a good model for those who are going through ANY major life change. 

A few years after Mike died I had an opportunity to share with others via leading some grief and loss Bible studies.  I always let those in the class know about the stages of grief and the fact that it is possible to move back forth between the stages and repeat some of the stages for quite a long time.  There is no specific order for how to deal with the various stages. 

We have gone through all of these stages in some way, shape or form in the past seven weeks.

After the initial diagnosis in the emergency room there was a sense of denial.  Did they read the results wrong?  Could it possibly be something else?  There was a great sense of disbelief.  Once we had further testing done, there was no denying the fact that we were facing a big monster of a disease.  (The surgery being done has also been referred to as “MOAS” or the Mother Of All Surgeries.)

Anger is sometimes hard to define or recognize.  Often it is subliminal and exhibits itself in our behaviors or reactions. George did not recognize it in himself.  Sure he can be sad, or anxious, or tired but right underneath the surface of all that is the fact that he is angry.  His “rosy” future has been stolen from him.  He has had to make some major changes in his life such as curtailing work and thinking about a lot of “what if’s” that would never have been on his mind if he never had this diagnosis. There are a lot appointments for doctors and tests, preparing physically for the surgery, the surgery, the hospital stay and post-surgery appointments that require shifting of schedules that will stress us out.  He lives with a constant, nagging fear.  He has every right to be angry.  This is a huge disruption in both of our lives.  It has forced us to make decisions we just don’t want to have to make. 

During the first week after diagnosis he went through a great deal of bargaining – with God.  That is a natural response.  “If you do xyz then I will do abc.”  I am sure many people go through the bargaining phase.  It may include the following types of “deals”: I promise to be a better person.  I promise to listen better.  I will work to make others’ lives easier.  I will love harder and stronger.  I will become a better wife/husband/child, etc.  Whatever you feel your ‘weaknesses’ are you promise to do better. 

Whether or not we actually follow through on those bargaining deals may be inconsequential in the end.  We may or may not do them.  We may have the greatest intentions.  We may start off following through and then as time progresses they become less and less important until… the next time we are confronted with a new issue in which we feel the need to bargain again.  At the time of our crisis, though, it is extremely important for us to feel as though making a deal will increase the odds in favor of our physical outcome.  Realistically they don’t have any bearing on it, but we feel better when we strike a bargain.

When we are going through major illness, major life changes, or death it is natural to go through periods of sadness, crying, being an emotional wreck.  When those feelings become overwhelming and continue without ceasing it is cause for concern as the person actually be depressed.  Traumatic circumstances can upset our internal clocks and signals.  It may require the help of a counselor and/or medications to help bring those things back into perspective.  While talking to our loved ones about what is going on is certainly helpful, it is best to get help from a certified therapist, a “disinterested third party” who can help determine the best treatment(s) to give you coping skills not only for what you are dealing with in the current “here and now” but also to life in general as you move towards the future. 

Often times our reactions now are based in things that happened to us in our younger lives.  How we were treated or how our families behaved or other things that happened in our lives along the way have a direct impact on how we deal with things now.  We are often not even aware of these things until someone helps bring them to light.  We cannot change what happened in the past, but we can choose how we will react going forward.

The final stage of grief is acceptance.  This is when you realize that you cannot change anything.  This is when you are ready to acknowledge that life will be different and that you are ready to live in that “different” life.  We sometimes call that the “new normal”.  When a loved one has died your life most certainly is changed in a multitude of ways.  It can take a very long time to accept these differences and embrace the new normal. 

One thing is almost always certain though – you will go through more than one “new normal” in your life time.  Learning how to cope, get through, react or respond to life’s circumstances is a constant on-going process.  It does not matter how old you are you will be constantly adjusting to life – whether it be because of physical limitations due to aging or illness, or career changes or people coming and going in our lives – we will always be going through changes requiring us to adapt.  And sometimes along with we will be going in and out of the other four stages noted. 

Currently, while there is a part of us that is anxious to have the surgery behind us so we can get back to living again, we are not really looking forward to the actual surgery itself.  It is a double edged sword – a necessary evil.  We have to wrap our heads around the fact that there will be a lot of things being pulled out, moved around, etc. in George’s belly.  Afterward, it all has to be put back in and it will take time for it all to settle back in place.  It will take some time to adjust to the physical changes that will take place.  I am sure there will be some days where things are just down right uncomfortable for George at least during the first few months of recovery.  It will require perseverance and patience – and there may be days that those are in short supply.  Without overdoing it he will need to move around, walk around, sit up in chairs, etc. as those will aid in the healing process.

However, this cancer will always be lurking in the shadow.  At this point in time we know it is going to come back at some point down the road.  Right now that eats at George because he hates the fact that he may have to go through this all again.  He wonders about the financial impact this will have on our medical costs.  He goes through a lot of the “what ifs” for down the road – and we haven’t even finished traveling the current road and made it through the first surgery. 

I worry that he will not be able to fully enjoy his life because he will always be worrying about “what’s next”.  I read about cancer patients, cancer survivors who do not let the fact that they may be dying rule their lives.  In a strange way I am envious of them. They still take vacations, make plans, get out and have fun in spite of their diagnosis.  They try to do new things, create special memories. They have figured out a way to make the best of their time on this planet in spite of their prognosis.  I want that for George, for us.  Truly I want that for anyone, we all deserve to be able to live life to the fullest.  I do not want this disease to define George and thereby define what we are able to do with our lives. 

I hope that with further therapy he can learn to become less anxious and more motivated to live in the moment and get great enjoyment out of life.  I hope that he will be able to “forget” as much as possible that there is cancer inside of him.  I am sure that with each scheduled test that will be done for follow up there will be a certain amount of anxiety, for surely none of us looks forward to the prospect of having to go through this again. But in between those appointments I pray that things will get as close to “normal” again – whatever the new normal happens to be. 

The C Word – Day 41 The End of Work

Today was George’s last day at work.  To be honest, he emotionally checked out earlier in the week.  He came home early the past three days.  It’s hard to concentrate when you know you are going to be gone for a few months.  Since he just started a new position, it is difficult to get anything accomplished in such a short period of time. 

He had mixed emotions about this, his last day. Part sadness as he really was looking forward to this new position.  Relief that he can now concentrate on the illness.  Anxious because now he has about 9 days of time to do – anything, nothing, a little bit – whatever he wants to do with it. While the earliest he can return is about December 1^st, quite honestly it may be the first part of 2015.  He is essentially putting his life on hold for up to three months.

Men define themselves by their jobs.  To suddenly not have one will be hard to adjust to.  It is not as if there is a slow transition towards work stoppage.  It is literally, working today – and not tomorrow.  His time card for next week is already filled out as “sick”.  (He has to call in sick for five days before short term disability kicks in – since this is a pre-arranged time off, this task has already been done for him.)

I imagine it will take a little while to become accustomed to this part of the change.  I know what won’t be difficult – the “sleeping in” part. Sleeping in will only be problematic if there is nothing to get out of bed for.  Hopefully he has a few ideas in mind that will keep his mind occupied over the next week or so.  Maybe he will visit with a few friends.  He might pop over to visit me at work.  Perhaps he will do something out in “Man Land” (i.e., the garage).  It’s not long enough to start one of the big projects but he might have something small he can work on.  The week will probably feel like it is going in slow motion.  

The C Word – Day 40 The Power of Friendship

It is during the worst of times that we realize how important friends are – how special they can be.  For true friends are those who will step in for moments, hours or days when you are in need.

We have some very special friends I want to call out.  Please don’t feel remiss if I don’t mention you here, I don’t have enough time or space for everyone.

Keith – best friend for so many years.  He has made it a point to stop whatever he is doing if George calls and needs a buddy to sit with him.  He will answer the call and just talk on the phone if that is what is needed. 

Dinah and “mom” – Our prayer warriors for sure.  With so much going on in their lives they still managed to come by for a promised visit with us.

For my college roommates who made the extra effort to still include me in a special “face time” chat when they all got together recently.  That was probably one of the best gifts ever. 

Cathy and John – special friends who have sent messages, notes and even taken us out for dinner. 

Neighbors Sayil, Ken (and Gaia), Cathy, Steve, Pam, Bill – Always making a point to check in on us when we see them outside.  Gaia is a fun little diversion for us when she comes for a visit. 

Steve D – George’s best buddy for ages, has been through his own cancer treatments and offers positive encouragement

Tom – George’s co-worker, prayer warrior, has become an anchor for George through all of this.

My co-workers who have all been so supportive and kind to both of us, allowing me to be flexible with my work schedule in order to get to doctor appointments just be with George when he needs it the most.

Cathy and Kellee – special gal pals who just came by tonight so we could work on a ministry project for the homeless, provided us both with prayer shawls – and prayers and support – and provided a nice diversion for me

So many others who have offered kind words, sent cards, called on the phone – please know how grateful we are for all of those.  If it is in our power, we will pay it forward when we get through all of this. 

It takes a village to deal with this “C” word.  It is the power of, not only our families, but our friends who are all pulling together to ensure that we have the emotional support, the physical support and the spiritual support we need to get through each minute, each hour, each day as we ride this roller coaster on our journey through diagnosis, treatment, and recovery for cancer.

A thousand thank you’s will never be enough so if it is in our power, we will pay it forward by being there for others when we get through all of this.   

May God Bless each and every one of you.

The C Word – Day 39 Surgical update

Today we met with the surgeon for pre-op information.  I have to give Dr. Bastidas kudos for taking the time to sit and answer our questions and explain more details of what is going to happen.  Also, his office assistant who is so reassuring each time we go to the office.

Although we had signed off on the clinical study paperwork, we missed initials on two pages (easy to overlook because those two pages required signatures so we did not realize they also had to be initialed).  George thought that great because the doctor caught those – meaning he really pays attention to details.  We had more paperwork to sign off on, dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s.

We had our list of questions including when to start drinking the Impact nutritional supplement – and when to stop eating (Sunday night will be the last night for any real food).  Monday, the 29^th, will be a clear liquid diet, including a lot of water and then a “tasty” cold drink of laxative.  Once midnight rolls around there will be nothing to take by mouth as we will check in at 5:30 AM on the 30^th for surgery.

We inquired as to whether I would be given updates throughout the day and found out that there will be a couple of times when word will be sent out.  The first will be once they have him prepped and initial surgery done, someone will come out to tell me whether or not they will proceed with surgery.  (There is only one issue that would change that determination and chances should be slim that this would happen.)  Once they begin the HIPEC process the surgeon will actually come out to update me on what is happening and the estimated time to finish.  That portion of time is the only time he will get a decent break in surgery. 

We also found out that George will be in ICU definitely for the first night and perhaps a second one as well.  After that he will go to a regular room for the duration.  I will be allowed to stay in the room with him as much as I want to.  During his ICU stay I will have to leave for about 45 minutes during shift changes, but other than that I can be in the room and be his advocate as much as is possible. 

When we spoke to the doctor about climbing stairs and that we were planning on getting a hospital bed for a downstairs room, he gave an emphatic “absolutely not”.  He says to climb the stairs and move around.  He says he won’t let anyone go home unless they are ready to go back to their current living situation.  Wow, that was good news.  That is not to say it will be easy for George, but they really are encouraging getting patients moving around as soon as possible.

He drew a small diagram about what he needed to do and outlined the benefits, risks and alternative treatments if we did not go through with the CRS (cytoreductive surgery) and HIPEC (heated chemo).  Basically, the odds appear to drop (sometimes dramatically) if we choose an alternate treatment.  Of course we are choosing the one with the best odds.

We asked about the chances of the cancer coming back.  Of this we are told that it will come back.  This treatment is not a cure, it just brings the cancer down to much lower levels than it currently is.  That is why there is “watchful waiting” for at least five years but will most likely be ongoing for the rest of George’s life.  What we do achieve procedure from this is a much longer life span. 

We spoke about his relationship with Dr. Fisher (a renowned cancer researcher at Stanford) and he knows him well (together they formed the current cancer center there).  That was reassuring news. 

All in all, the pieces continue to fall into place.  Each time we meet a doctor George’s confidence is enhanced.  Still not looking forward to the actual surgery, but that is normal for anyone who is facing surgery. 

George has just two more days of work – but mentally he is already clocked out so he may not accomplish too much.  He will probably manage to tie up a few loose ends and then bid adios for at least the next nine weeks.  Everything is in place for him to be able to concentrate on resting and healing for however long it takes. 

The day has ended on a very positive note.  Hopefully sleep will come easy tonight!

The C Word – Day 38 Feels like a Nail in The Coffin

During the past few weeks both George and I have been relinquishing certain responsibilities as we prepare to devote as much time as possible to surgery and recovery.

For me it has meant turning over some of my duties with mom.  Things such as booking her rides for daycare and doing her evening care routine.  These, to me, would have normally been the next steps in transitioning her care as she declines to Alzheimer’s.  A gradual moving towards full time care.  I have often wondered what I would do with my time if I did not have her to care for, and this transitional process will certainly make it easier to deal with.  I have to say I am filling my time well!!

For George it has meant turning over the responsibilities he has assumed over the course of time doing financial things for his mom and his daughter.  It means filling out paperwork to stop work for a period of time (which, by the way, means he actually is “terminated” from work and insurance will be paying him while he is out on leave).  He feels like he is putting a nail in his coffin, as if he is turning over everything and preparing to die.  It does not sit well with him to “give away” things he has done for so long.  

This is not the case.  We fully expect him to make it through this surgery.  What haunts him is the fact that it is a very long surgery and all surgeries come with risks.  We enter into this understanding that there are some unknown things that may occur along the way.  Tonight we had to fill out the agreement to be part of the clinical trial.  There is a whole lot of verbiage in this document which I had earlier tried to give him in synopsis form, leaving out any details he really does not want to know.  But as he initialed each page of this document he glanced at some of those things and, by the time we were done filling it out, his anxiety level quickly rose.

Tomorrow we see the surgeon for some pre-op details.  We have our questions ready to go.  George is working from home as the appointment is in the middle of the day.  As each day comes to an end, anxiety levels increase.  Tonight as we walked around the block we noted that two weeks from this moment he will hopefully be done with surgery.  We look forward to this part of the process to be done and over with. 

On a side note, just for “fun”, I had my own incident to deal with today.  I decided to take a Werther’s butterscotch candy out of my desk.  It had been there awhile and so was a little but sticky, gooey on the outside.  As I bit into the soft coating on the outside I heard a crunch.  I thought perhaps it was the candy, but after a second bite and crunch thought something was not quite right.  I pulled out what was left of the candy in my mouth and discovered that one of my crowns had busted into a bunch of pieces.  I obviously swallowed part of it as I only retrieved a few small pieces.  Fortunately, my dentist had a cancellation this afternoon so I was able to go in and get a temporary crown made and fitted for a permanent one.  We had to have an easy dinner tonight as my jaw and lips were quite numb!  I told my boss it was a nice diversion to have to cater to MY problems today!  George sat next to me to watch me drool my dinner drink – but I actually did quite well.  It was harder to chew the food! (He said I looked like his mom when she eats!)  It was good for a few laughs even if it was at my expense.  I think my mom was probably laughing from her room in heaven – cuz if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have the Werther’s in my desk in the first place!  My family will understand the joke!!)

The C Word – Day 37 Communicating with the Children

Probably one of the hardest things a parent has to do is to tell their children that their parent has a serious illness or has died or that a grandparent has died. Whether on the phone or in person, it is still difficult. 

After Mike died, it was friends who stepped in to help.  One was home awaiting Becke’s arrival from school.  Another was on the phone to the University where Sara was attending school.  They were using whatever avenues they could to ensure that someone would be with her when we broke the news.  They also were making plane reservations for her to fly home on the first available flight and to pick her up from the airport.  I cry just thinking about all the people who stepped in and offered their love and support to us during this crisis.

When we found out that George had cancer, he did not want anyone to know.  I eluded to their being something more than a kidney stone on a Facebook post but did not go beyond that to let anyone know it was an extremely volatile situation.  George “let the cat out of the bag” shortly thereafter assuming to appease any questions.  When I saw his post and knew that the girls had not yet been told I said, “You need to tell the girls before they see the posting.  They, of all people, deserve to hear it from us, not from social media.” George proceeded to make the phone calls.  Though I asked to be in the room when he made them, he started without me.  First Stephanie, then Becke.  He tried to reach Sara but she was not available via phone for a few hours.  He had some tears with the first two.  But when he went to call Sara later that morning he totally broke down.  I asked him why this call was more difficult than the first two.  His reply, “Because she has already lost one (dad).”  And he, of all people, knew how hard it has been for her since she lost her dad. 

I am not sure what happened after we told all the girls.  Stephanie probably was taken by surprise, perhaps cried some.  Becke may have reacted the same.  I do know how Sara reacted as this news came while they were travelling home from vacation.  This news hit her very hard and for the exact reason George had stated to me. 

As we closed ranks as a family, trying to wrap our arms around this diagnosis, so too did our friends close ranks around us.  Those closest to us rallied and started prayer chains going.  Even people we don’t know really well began to surround us in prayer and good thoughts, some sending cards or emails or messages on Facebook.  It is overwhelming and humbling to have this support. 

This disease affects not only George, but myself and the children.  Sometimes in the midst of our own struggles we do not see how it is affecting the kids.  While they try to be supportive they are each struggling to come to terms with it in their own unique ways.  Sometimes they become very quiet, sometimes they make the extra phone call, sometimes they are on the computer doing their own research about the disease.  Everyone copes in a different manner. Since they do not always share their feelings so we can only hope they are doing okay. 

As the prognosis was further developed and a plan of action began falling into place, so too did their hopes that dad would be okay when this is over.  I think they breathed a collective sigh of relief realizing they would have more time with him.  We all breathe a little easier. 

Surgery day will be upon us before we know it.  On that day all of the kids will want and need to be kept informed as the day progresses and will want to know at the end of the day how things went.  With the surgery scheduled for 10-12 hours there will probably be nothing to report until well after 5PM.  But I will text throughout the day if any news is relayed to me. 

One thing that always becomes clearer when crisis hit is the recognition and reminder that family means everything.  We (and they) are need to remember to make more quality time with one another.  Family first should be a priority… always. 

The C Word – Day 36 Living up to my Name

Dawn.  The very word means early morning.  The time of day when the sun is just about to make itself known.  The hour of the day when the birds awaken and begin to sing. A time when the majority of people are still blissfully sleeping. The quietness is broken only by a bird song, or a toad croaking, or the “drip, drip, drip” of an early morning rain.  One word…. Peaceful.

I love to awaken early and make my way downstairs.  George does not understand why I get up when I can lay in bed to sleep or dream or relax.  But the thing is, by awakening early before the rest of the household is up I can have “me” time.  Those early morning hours are the only ones that are truly mine to spend as I wish.  I can while away the time playing computer games, or reading the paper, enjoying a cup of tea, or perhaps just sit and think or write as I am doing right now.  I can make my way to the gym and get in a good workout if I choose.  I might run out and get groceries.  I can sometimes get all of the laundry done before anyone else in the house puts a foot on the floor to begin their day.  In other words, I can be as productive or not in those first few hours of the day.  They are mine to do as I wish.

Once the “world” starts to awaken the time is no longer my own.  Whether it is ensuring that mom is taken care of, or George has breakfast, or it is time to get to work, the hours throughout the day will be spent meeting the “demands” of others, giving of myself until it is time to go to bed.  Sleeping and getting up early in the morning is the time that my body and mind prepare to meet whatever the day may bring. 

It will become more significant in the coming weeks as George will draw on me continually during his waking (and sometimes sleeping) hours to provide him with the strength and support that he needs to make it through not only to “surgery day” but also the recovery process.  There are actually times I have been able to feel him pull energy from me in a very real sense.  Unless you have ever had someone rely so totally on you for love and strength you may not understand what I am speaking of.  He may not even be aware of it taking place.

I love my name – and I love what it means.  I don’t think my parents knew that I would become the type of person that would live up to my name by embracing the dawn of the day, but I do.

The C Word – Day 34 and 35 Get Away

George and I finally had an opportunity to get away for an entire night (considering this was supposed to actually be the tail end of our two week vacation, something is better than nothing).

I reserved a room for us at a quaint bed and breakfast in Half Moon Bay, about a 45 minute ride from the house.  We left home at about 10AM after a leisurely morning.  It just so happened that George’s best friend, Larry, had to do a transfer for his volunteer job (at the Marine Mammal Center in Moss Landing) in Half Moon Bay.  An extra treat that we were able to have lunch with him and spend time visiting together.

We arrived at the Mill Rose B&B at 3PM and were shown to our room.  It had a private entrance and private bathroom.  This particular room had a view on two sides, nothing spectacular, but nice.  The room comes stocked with bottles of water, sodas, a decanter of wine and also decanters of brandy and sherry.  If we were the drinking kind of person this would have probably been heaven on earth.  We are not, so though those are nice touches, they did not touch us! 

We took a nap after getting there and just listened to some music on the television.  We decided to go out for dinner and the innkeeper was able to quickly get us a reservation up at Miramar Beach restaurant.  Yummy, Coquille St. Jacques for me and shrimp for George.  We opted to have our dessert back at the inn as they provided homemade cookies and cakes for their guests as well as an ample supply of various teas or coffee. 

We left the “boob tube” off for the evening and opted to spend the time talking about whatever was on our mind – and of course what is on our mind is the upcoming surgery.  We shared a few tears, cuddled and hugged, and just had time for the two of us alone without any interruptions. 

We awoke leisurely this morning, were served a scrumptious breakfast at the B&B and then packed up to start heading for home.  We were not in a rush so we made a few short stops on the way home, even pausing for an hour at Good Samaritan hospital where a dear friend of ours is preparing for surgery tomorrow morning. 

It was a nice to get away – to just have time to ourselves with no particular agenda.  We decided to try to do more of those in the future as it is good for us.  It is good for ALL couples, but especially for those who are enduring any sort of stress. 

Now we are back home.  We are having to implement a new procedure for mom with regards to eating.  No more just serving up her meals and walking away.  We have to sit with her, turn off her television to prevent distractions, and have her eat very, very slowly, one part of her meal at a time (i.e. meat, veggies, etc.) with small sips of water in between.  Apparently right now that means spending about 30-40 minutes with her for this process.  Fortunately it will only affect us on the weekends, especially on Sundays when we have three meals to serve her.  On the “up” side, if you can call it that, we no longer have to thicken her water or beverages.  Her meals are still pureed.  So I guess it is like one step forward and one step backward.  Rosemary says mom did not cough at all last night – so maybe there is some rest in mom’s future after all.  We will be able to call that four steps forward at that point!

The C Word – Day 33 Life’s Little Rewards

Today I had the opportunity to get away from the office scene and spend some time in the out-of-doors.   The clients had an outing with the Los Gatos Rowing Club up at Lexington Reservoir.  I got to accompany them to the site and help them learn how to be crew on a 12-14 man skiff.  Six of the eight clients were totally blind – and all were totally excited to learn something new.  They provided enough volunteers to help walk them down (and down some more) a very steep hill, get them loaded on the skiff and take them out on the water for an hour and a half.  Most of them came back and could not stop talking about the fun they had.  And seeing the joy of accomplishment on their faces was really quite wonderful.  It was a great day out of the office. 

Tonight we were able to spend nearly two hours with some very dear friends at dinner.  It will be nice to be able to do this more now that we have an evening caregiver.  Wow…. To most this probably doesn’t appear to be a big deal - - but when we have literally been tied to the house for nearly a year it is a real pleasure.

Tomorrow we head out for a night away from home.  I am taking George to a Bed and Breakfast over on the coast.  We will have about 36 hours to just be away from home, get some sunshine and fresh air and just relax.  That means there will not be a blog tomorrow as I intend to leave the electronics at home.  Sweet dreams everyone.  Be back in two days!

The C Word – Day 32 New Down Time?

This week we George’s sister is training a new caregiver for mom.  This new caregiver will work from 4-8PM five days a week (Monday through Friday).  It was inevitable that more caregivers would be added to assist with mom.  George’s health issue has forced us into transitioning to the next care phase for mom sooner than we expected.  It is not unwelcome, but it is a change for everyone.   

We have been telling mom for about a week that there would be a new caregiver in her life.  She has been fighting us tooth and nails on this issue insisting that she is just fine by herself.  She has been cranky, combative, crying.  Just minutes prior to the caregiver arriving for the first time she had been arguing with Rosemary.  Then, when the caregiver arrived, she jumped up and hugged her and told her it was nice to see her again (though she has never met her before).  I call this the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome she has.  She will be gnarly with us and turn around to her caregivers and daycare and turn on the sugar.  It can be quite frustrating!

Having added caregivers will enable George and I to have a little more down time, time to go out for dinners, time to sit and relax, take a walk. It should reduce my stress level just a tad bit.  This will have more impact on me since I am the one used to jumping up every twenty to thirty minutes to make sure she has her dinner and her medications, make sure that she is not doing things she should not be doing. It is a strange feeling to have some of the load lifted.  I am not used to just sitting down in the evenings with no place to go.  I don’t know what I will do with all this extra time!  I am sure I will get used to it.   

For now it will allow me to go play my monthly Bunco (like tonight) – without having to remind George what does or does not need to be done.  It will enable us to have dinner out with friends or just go out on our own and not have to rush home. We can even run out and do some shopping!

In a few weeks it will give me the time I need to concentrate on George’s healing from surgery.  That will be my primary focal point for a while.

We are fortunate that George’s sister will be able to step up to the plate and handle the other “off hours” (8PM to 7AM) for the times that I need to be away from home or when I need the extra sleep. 

This period of time will be all about allowing others to step up and help where it is needed. In a “I can do it myself” world, this is a hard change to make.  Necessary, but still hard. There will be more changes ahead – even if there was no cancer in our world there would be more changes – and we will need to adapt to those changes in our lives like shifting sand . . . as gracefully as we possibly can.

The C Word – Day 31 Clinical Trials – What are they?

I decided to look at some other blogs today to get some ideas for mine.  I hit a gold mine in one about a young woman, young mother, who has Stage IV breast cancer.  When I clicked on her most recent link she spoke about what the various phases of clinical trials are.  Since what we are about to embark on is, indeed, a clinical trial, I found this quite informative.

I followed through by visiting the National Institute on Health website and this is what I found for definitions:

Question: What are clinical trial phases?

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Answer:

Clinical trials are conducted in a series of steps, called phases - each phase is designed to answer a separate research question.

·         Phase I: Researchers test a new drug or treatment in a small group of people for the first time to evaluate its safety, determine a safe dosage range, and identify side effects.

·         Phase II: The drug or treatment is given to a larger group of people to see if it is effective and to further evaluate its safety.

·         Phase III: The drug or treatment is given to large groups of people to confirm its effectiveness, monitor side effects, compare it to commonly used treatments, and collect information that will allow the drug or treatment to be used safely.

·         Phase IV: Studies are done after the drug or treatment has been marketed to gather information on the drug's effect in various populations and any side effects associated with long-term use.

We will be participating in a Stage III clinical trial.  It has a very, very long name: Clinical Trial of Intraperitoneal Hyperthermic Chemotherapy Utilizing Cisplatin, Doxorubicin and Mitomycin C in Peritoneal Surface Cancers.  It has been going on since August 2006. I don’t know if that is a long time for a clinical trial or not.

According to our oncologist, the research head-honcho at Stanford is not prone to believe that this HIPEC procedure (which is included in this trial) is effective.  However, it is the only game in town.  And this particular game is being played right here near our home so we do not need to travel for it. 

The good news about being included in a clinical trial is that in some states (and California is one of them), the insurance companies cannot deny payment for them.  The bad news, of course, is that we have to be part of the trial because we have cancer.  The good and the bad. 

Good:  We have a wonderful team forming and unfolding right before our very eyes, we are close to home for treatment, we will have a very good hospital involved and we expect the care there to be very good, we are in close proximity to our supportive families and friends, data collected will hopefully lead to a Stage IV clinical trial where there is even more reason for people who have this type of treatment to have more hope for their futures.

Bad:  Two words – cancer and surgery; side effect is pain, possible nausea and whatever else goes along with surgeries, chemo and pain management. 

While neither of us would choose to take this journey (if we had a choice), it is of some comfort to us that we may be helping those in the future.  And, though it is the only game in town, we are anticipating a future of many more years to enjoy life, friends, and most importantly, family.  May God grant us this wish.  

The C Word – Day 30 How I will get through this

On days like today it is easy to forget that we have something large looming on the horizon.  Getting up in the morning, getting ready for work, going to work.  Caught up in the tasks of the day I can be lulled into a sense of security feeling like all is right with the world. 

Yet, throughout the day there are still reminders that bring the focus back to the “C” world.  I have a binder of notes, business cards, lab reports, and such.  I have a list sitting on my desk of things we still need to address.  A quick glance at the calendar tells me that there are several upcoming appointments.  And there, at the tail end of the month is a quick note, “Surgery, 7:30 AM, Good Sam”. 

It seems so simple.  I know it is not.  I know that there will be some very long days and I am prepared for that on one level.  I have my Kindle for reading, my computer for writing, my yarn for crocheting.  I know how to occupy my time while I sit and wait.  I can almost trivialize what is going to happen.  That probably sounds very strange.  I think my brain wraps itself in a ball of cotton to protect itself from harm, waiting to cushion any blows that come my way.  Am I hard wired to believe in such a positive fashion?  Or am I telling myself lies in order to get through this?  Maybe it’s a combination of the two?

When I tell George that everything will work out just fine, I do mean it.  When I tell him that I can handle this, I also mean it.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it will be hard, that it will try me in ways I won’t know until I get there.  It means that I will figure it all out in real time, when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

It reminds me of the time I went to a dentist out here.  I told this dentist that I did not want Novocain when he was doing simple cleanings and minor fillings.  I grew up without Novocain.  To me it was a pain in the you-know-what to get the injection of Novocain (you know, that pinch that you feel when they insert the needle), then wait for the Novocain to take effect and after the appointment the hour or two of drooling and tingling until sensation returns.  And for what?  Maybe a quick jolt of pain?  I told this particular dentist that I could handle things without the pain medication.  I promised him I would not bite him.  This poor guy spent the entire session worrying.  He constantly asked, “Are you okay?” and I would simply nod, “Yes”.  After all it is hard to answer with instruments in your mouth. ]I almost felt sorry for him and felt I should have Novocain just to put him at ease!  [ At the end of the appointment he commented, “I can’t believe you didn’t feel anything.”

My reply, “I never told you I wouldn’t feel anything, I told you I could handle it.”  And I did just that. 

It is not that I don’t worry.  I have moments where I worry (or wonder, or think) about the “what if’s” that might occur during surgery.  I wonder if there will be any decisions that I will have to make or approve throughout the day.  I hope there is not.  I hope that everything goes smoothly. 

I know that it will take George awhile to get through the first days and weeks.  I pray he remain strong and motivated to regain his strength after surgery.  I am sure that there will be times that I will get tired between making sure he stays on his meds (which might require getting up in the middle of the night) and making sure his mom is okay (meaning that she doesn’t get up out of bed more than once in a night which will set off the motion alarm up in my bedroom). 

I am grateful for two wonderful bosses who will allow me to take whatever time I need off in order to ensure that things are going smoothly at home.  I appreciate their willingness to give me some flexibility during this time.

I am not saying this will all be easy, but I know that I will be able to handle things as they come.  I try not to worry about all of that now as it may be wasted time.  I have been through much harder times.  I know that I have much support surrounding me and I hope that I am able to “let go” and allow those people to step in when I need it (and hope that I am smart enough to ask for help when it is needed).  

The C Word – Day 29 Diversion = Football

Alas, football season has officially begun.  This will provide some much needed diversion for George.  It is better when there are actually teams he cares about winning or losing!  Today we are 49er faithful fans as they play against Dallas.  On days that the teams are not among our favorites, there is ample opportunity to take catnaps.  At any rate, it is good to think about the fun things in life while we can!

With our family gone the house is quiet again.  Normally we take a deep breath and say “ah, it’s so peaceful”.  We love having the twins here, we really miss them when the leave to go home, yet we also appreciate the silence.  Not as much now as when things go quiet in the house George has a difficult time not thinking about what is coming up for him.  That’s why I am grateful for the constant deluge of football games on Sundays.  It gives him a chance to root for his favorite teams – and gives me a chance to take a nap!!  Gotta love football season!

The C Word – Day 28 Four week check-in point

It is hard to believe that four weeks has passed since our surprise diagnosis in the emergency room.  It seems much longer.  Perhaps this is due to the flurry of activity that has taken place and the avalanche of emotions which have been felt throughout these twenty eight days. 

We have gone from utter despair to cautious optimism and every other emotion in between as we have endured more testing and further evaluation by doctors and oncologists.  They, too, have gone from hopeless to hopeful.  That gives us something to grasp and use in the battle. 

The road is far from over.  We have surgery in a mere three weeks.  There will be much to endure with that and the initial road to recovery.  As part of the clinical trial there will be more tests, more waiting and more watching for at least five years and probably much farther.  But when you consider we didn’t know if we had even one year in the cue, we are grateful for five or ten or more! 

Today we experienced wonderful normal.  With the grand kids in town we have had constant energy running around the house.  Poppy (George) helped the girls build small birdhouses from kits that Chris brought with him.  It was fun to watch him share his skills with the kids. 

I spent the afternoon with the girls at The Jungle (an indoor play area) where they got to enjoy time with their cousins.  George stayed home and spent a little more time turning over some of his family financial duties to others in the family.  This will enable him to concentrate solely on battling this cancer without worrying about all of the day to day things that tend to burden us.  Once he is recovered enough he can determine which, if any, he would like to take back again. 

This evening as the twins took to singing on their makeshift stage (fireplace hearth) using their makeshift microphone (made from Tinker Toys) they wanted our undivided attention.  Poppy wanted to watch his DIY.  When he said, “Because they want to sing I have to stop my show” my reply was, “These are the moments we have talked about.  Stop and appreciate what you have sitting here right in your home!”  Touche!  These are the moments that THEY will remember… and we will too (especially when we record them!)  All we are guaranteed is today so we must remember to turn off the electronics, the televisions, etc. and take part in the living of life.  Sometimes that means doing things that we may not exactly want at that moment, or need to endure (okay, the kids are not always on key when they sing) all for the sake of being in the moment.   

Family – gotta love ‘em.  Kids – precious moments shared.  They all help ground us in the here and now.  They are a few of the reasons we live!   

The C Word – Day 27 Uplifted

That is a good word for today…. Uplifted.  Feeling encouraged, feeling good, feeling energized.

I spent part of my day taking care of me… First stop was Doc Tina, my chiropractor.  My neck has been crackling a lot lately so I knew it was time.  They told me it has been 9 months since my last visit.  I think there was at least one visit in between there somewhere.  It felt good to get adjusted!  Then I continued on to Quli, my acupuncturist.  Ah…. An hour just laying around with some needles and some relaxing music.  I think she told me she would put some needles in the “de-stress” zones. 

This afternoon we had two appointments.  The first was the oncologist.  During this visit we clarified who was doing what to whom.  I mean, we have him … and the surgeon… and the gynecology oncologist… and the general doctor.  Dr. Sheh says that he and the surgeon will be the primary points of contact post surgery although we may also see the G.O. as he is the primary on the clinical trial and he will be performing the chemotherapy portion of the surgery.  As the doctor spoke to us he noted that he was optimistic about this procedure based on what our 2007 CT scan showed in comparison with what we see today.  Ever wonder what a sigh of relief looks like?  Take a look at George this afternoon.

After seeing him we met with the palliative care team from the center.  One is a nurse, the other is a social worker/counselor.  They helped us clarify what things to be aware of while George is in the hospital and told us who we should seek while there to help handle the details of George’s homecoming.  Basically, the right people are in place at the hospital to help figure those things out when it is time.  That is good news.

We then spent over a half hour with Beth (easy name for me to remember), the social worker.  We explained that we were looking for other ideas to help cope with the anxiety and stress.  Our other therapist gave us only one thing to try…. Just take a couple of deep breaths.  I told Beth that while this may be a good thing to do, it just wasn’t George’s cup of tea as it doesn’t really help. She then gave us a couple of exercises to try.  One did involve a portion of what our other therapist said (The Stop and Take a Breath part) but her example went a couple of steps farther than that.  After Stop and Take a Breath (or two) then Observe (your thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, feelings, etc.) and give them a name, but give them an accepting name or give the name in kindness (i.e. acknowledge it without judging it) and then finally Perceive and proceed (with what is most important for me to be paying attention to right now?)  In short, Stop, Take a Breath, acknowledge the feeling (i.e. nervousness and feeling tight in the chest) and then let the feeling know that right now it is important for me to be in this moment (maybe admiring the blue sky, or the company I am with).  This is called STOP for short (as noted in the bold letters above).  That was an excellent concept for us to grasp and visualize. 

We had a good session today – we are feeling good and positive in this moment.  We are looking forward to spending time with family this weekend as our special twins will be with us.  It is hard to not be “in the moment” when they are around because they are constant sources of energy. 

Everything is coming into perfect alignment.  We are finding the right people at the right time.  We are confident that the team that is building is a good one.  They will do everything they can to physically and mentally help us through the coming weeks and months and even years.  When you couple them with all of our faithful, believing family and friends we know we have the best of the best surrounding us in tender loving arms.  We know it is because of everyone “out there” that prayers are being answered.  We cannot tell you how much your thoughts and words mean to us, there are not words to express it.  If our arms were long enough we would reach out and give you all a huge hug. 

“Our God is an awesome God”!