The C Word – Day 22 “Get to”

On the way home from Roseville yesterday, there was a lot of time to think.  For me it was thinking about the party going on in Wolcott at the same time we were driving.  It was also thinking about the other two events taking place this weekend that I will be able to Skype or Facetime with and at least see some people face to face – even if it is with just a computer screen. 

A thought came to me then.  It was something I had heard a long time ago and have heard a few times over the years.  It has to do with attitude.  It is a simple way to make you put things into perspective and give things a positive spin.

It goes like this….  Replace your thoughts and statements that being with “HAVE TO” or “SHOULD DO” with the words “GET TO”.  I will try to adjust my attitude using this process.

Instead of “I have to stay home right now”,

  I GET TO stay home, a home that I have earned, that I have spent hours making it comfortable, with a yard that is pleasing to the senses both visual and auditory. 

Instead of “I have to stay here to help George”,

  I GET TO stay here with George.  I get to have time to spend with him, to love him, to help him. 

On days that I may struggle getting out of bed because I am tired, rather than “I have to get up and get ready for [work/workout/appointments]”,

I GET TO go to a job/gym/doctor and am glad that I have these places to go to.  There are many people who cannot do these for various reasons.  I am blessed to have them available to me.

And, while I did not get to go to see my college roomies this weekend, I did GET TO use some wonderful technology and share with them just as if I was in the same room.  We shared some laughs, reflected on old times, caught up on today times, and loved one another just as we did those 30-aught years ago.  Tomorrow I will do the same with my family.

A quote by Charles R. Swindoll: “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

Mahatma Gandhi says, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

The power of positive thinking has proven valuable over and over again.  When one thinks negative there is so much energy (not to mention time) wasted that cannot be gained back. Sometimes it takes a little effort to stay positive, but it sure makes things easier to swallow, especially when going through difficult times. 

Today I GET TO choose how I live my life. My goal is and always will be to remain as positive as I can.  I will not always succeed, but that is my goal.  It has helped me survive those things, those glitches in life that try to bring me down.  Today I GOT TO share with some very, very dear friends.  Thank you Linda, Sherri, Olenka and Daria for making my day so special.  Thank you for being a part of my life, a very special part.  We may not see each other often or even talk to each other often, but I know you will always be there and I look forward to the next time we will actually GET TO be together!

The C Word – Day 21 Taking a Breath

Today marks three weeks since we went to the emergency room for a kidney stone and emerged with the diagnosis of cancer.  It has been a long, arduous three weeks.  When you think death is staring you in the face you start facing a lot of other fears. 

For me, it was not so much as fear as figuring out things like: how will the girls and the granddaughters react; how will I comfort these people; are all of our legal documents in place for ease of transition; how can I get George to enjoy the here and now moments; how will I enjoy this house if he is not in it.

For him, he was paralyzed in fear.  There was nothing that you could say or do to ease that.   He was afraid for me and wanted to know I would be alright.  He was afraid of leaving people behind without him being able to care for them.  He was afraid that the doctors would wash their hands of him because he was hopeless to save with the cancer being in the advanced stage. 

The look on his face, the physical look of terror, was hard to witness.  So many tears, so many fears, overwhelmed him.

Some of the things that came up over the course of the last three weeks, the fears and insecurities, are definitely topics that need further scrutiny with the therapist.  This will not be easy as it will require him to learn how to observe a glass as half full rather than half empty.  When his whole life has been lived one way, that change will not come easy. 

In the course of my consoling him I said or did things that made sense to me but I fully admit that I am not in his shoes right now. My gut instinct told me that he would be fine, that the surgery recommended for PMP would allow him to get back to living.  My instincts are not usually wrong. When I voiced to him that I believed he would be okay, he took great solace in that but he still clung to the evil voice that had been hanging over his shoulder these past weeks.  To hear from the surgeon yesterday that they can go in and do battle with this disease, that gave him his greatest hope. 

With surgery scheduled for one month from now, we have some preparations to do and we still should tackle some of those legal and financial things to ensure all is in order.  These are mostly things we just need to double check as we have our wills and trusts in place already.  It never hurts to double check or make adjustments (that is my word of wisdom for anyone out there who doesn’t yet have such things).

For today, we are going out and enjoying a day with the granddaughters (and their parents, of course).  This will be George’s first visit to their new house.  A barbecue in their beautiful back yard.  A day off from this “C” world.  Breathe in, breathe out, relax, enjoy.  

The C Word – Day 20 Never give up hope

Today I awoke with a Twila Paris tune in my head.  She sings, “He (God) will never give up on you, and neither will I”. 

Today we met a surgeon, Dr. J. Augusto Bastidas.  George awoke with much trepidation.  So much fear that the news would not be good.  We arrived and were greeted by his nurse, Diane.  She and I have spoken a couple of times this week and she has been very reassuring.  We handed her all the paperwork, the CD of the CT scans, and test results.  She was pleased to see how organized I was in having everything at the ready.

The doctor came in and asked a few questions to get to know who George was, his living situation, his job, etc.  He then proceeded with what cancer is and what the various modes of treatment are for all of them.  Then he told us about our particular cancer and what the best treatment would be.  As expected, the cytoreductive surgery (CRS) with the heated chemo (HIPEC) is the best course.  He is one of only two locations that perform this surgery, the other one being Kaiser.  He knows Dr. Sugarbaker and is very informed about his procedures.  The procedure is still considered clinical trials and Dr. Bastidas has presented papers on his findings during the first three years of performing these surgeries.

He looked at George and said that the fact that nutritionally he looked to be in good health that there would be no problem having the surgery done.  He showed us parts of the CT scan and explained things that we asked him.   Because the cancer is a slow growing one, once he has surgery he will need to be checked out annually in what is called “Watch and Wait” as there may be a time in the future that the surgery would need to be repeated.  It could be a few years, eight years, ten years or even a matter of months. 

Today George cried happy tears.  Tears of relief.  Tears that there is an end, of sorts, to this nightmare.  We have surgery scheduled for September 30, 2014.  Surgery will be approximately 10 hours, hospital stay is 10-12 days unless there are any complications.  Back to work in 2-3 months.  They may need to remove partial other parts but they won’t know that until they are in surgery.  That’s a road to cross later.

For now we are seeing evidence of the faith that all of us have been showering on him these past 3 weeks.  Faith that things will work out.  We are blessed to have so many people with so many prayers around the world.  While we are not totally out of the woods just yet, there is much to hope for.  George is smiling today for the first time in weeks.  We even went out to movie.  That is the closest thing to normal I have experienced in a while.    We will have more of that before the next phase of dealing with this “C” word. 

Neither will I (only partial of the song here)

I heard your name today
I heard it from a wiser voice inside
And it broke my heart

I got down on my knees
Reminded that the Father of your soul
Has been the One to care the most

And He is there to lift you up and hold you close
His love is strong, so strong

And He will never give up on you
And neither will I, neither will I
Know that we still believe in you
And if you will try, if you will try again

He will never give up on you
And neither will I, neither will I, my friend

Keep walking on
And keep on looking straight ahead
And when you feel like turning back
Turn to Him instead

He will never give up on you
And neither will I, neither will I
Know that we still believe in you
And if you will try, if you will try again

He will never give up on you
And neither will I, neither will I, my friend

Songwriter
Twila Paris

The C Word – Day 19 Down but hopefully not out

I awoke in the middle of the night having a strange dream.  It involved George’s mom and the details are just weird and not something I can or should put into print.  As I tried to go back to sleep my mind started wandering.  A song came to mind and now, for the life of me I cannot remember what it was.  Then I started thinking about the fact that today was the day I was supposed to start my vacation.  I had planned this trip for a year and a half.  I was the one that actually got the ball rolling on the 40^th high school reunion and helped as much as I could from across the country.  I also managed to plan a full out reunion with my college roommates.  I know I was looking forward to that the most.  Even a family reunion.  To not be able to go has been devastating for me. I will never, ever be able to recreate this chain of reunions again.  I would be lucky if I could make even one of them happen again.   

I feel selfish feeling this way.  I mean, George is fighting a battle right now not only physically but mentally.  He had a rough day today – in part due to how I was feeling.  This whole thing affects more than him.  We all hate it.  Hate that we have to deal with it.  Hate that this “C” word has intruded on our lives.  Hate how it is ruling us right now.  It is normal that we are all going to have rough patches – and as hard as I want to be strong, once in a while I am bound to falter.  Today as that day.  Tomorrow I will buck up and face whatever lies ahead. 

Tomorrow we meet a surgeon and pray that he says he can help and he has hope for George.  George needs to hear that.  He needs to hear that someone (besides me) feels that he will be fine…  Though there is no cure, it is treatable and survivable.  He needs to hear those words from a doctor.  If he hears that he will fight harder.  Right now, though, he is terrified and there is not much I can say or do to ease that terror.  It hovers around him, weighs heavily on him.  I pray for positive news tomorrow.

The C Word – Day 18 Making lists

I am always making lists.  Menu and grocery lists.  Housekeeping lists.  Lists at work for who to call and what to do each day.  I think I have been making lists for a long time as it helps me to focus on what I need to remember to do as I can get easily distracted.

I never thought I would be making these kinds of lists…

… legal paperwork – being sure trusts are up to date

… banking – making sure the right accounts are put under the trusts

… lists of who will be doing what over the next few months

… questions to ask the oncologist, the surgeon, the chemotherapist

… lists of actions that need to take place before surgery… after surgery… hospital bed?

… notes to remind to add to lists or make new lists.

What?  When did my life go from the mundane to the life changing sorts of questions?  Every day the need to write down lists of new thoughts or questions comes into play lest we forget to remember something or ask something.  Lists are harder to make when here are so many nuances or when you are not sure what the next appointment will shed light on or if things will go in a totally different direction.  Lots of uncertainties so you try to figure out what those might be and add them to one of the myriad of lists. 

Today we were able to pick up copies of all of the CT scans, the 2 most recent ones and one done back in 2007 when George had a prior kidney stone.  Of note was the fact that the radiologist had suggested that further CT scans and tests be done because they observed a 4mm calcified growth near the small bowel.  Interestingly, this was never discussed by anyone in either the emergency room or with the general doctor.  We are not even sure he ever saw the scans as the kidney stone went away.  This growth is nearly doubled in size though still relatively small as growths go.  The oncologist said that this verifies that whatever is going on is happening at a very slow rate.  We have that “on our side” – that decisions we make are not critically urgent so we can review information, doctors, etc. and not feel the pressure that this needs to happen yesterday.  We do, however, want to get this taken care of and sooner than later as it weighs heavily on us (especially on George).  As he puts it “I just want this nightmare to be over.” 

I am confident that all of the prayers going on all over the world are leading us down the path we must take.  It will place the right doctors in our path and the right treatments for the best results will happen.  While this is a nightmare, we have had some very nice people to deal with thus far and I have no reason to believe that the rest of this journey will be filled with them as well.  My confidence will need to carry George through all of his doubts in his journey.  I pray that I can remain steady and unwavering in faith as we continue to walk this road.  

The C Word – Day 17 Conversations with Angels

I told his dad, “You cannot have him yet.  You were only here for the first 20 or so years of his life.  And in those twenty years you were really not much of a dad.  The majority of his memories of you are not very good ones. When he was a baby and a young boy you did not have much use for him.  Maybe you suffered from PTSD having been involved in the Marines and stationed in some not very good locations.  Even so, he always tried to make you proud of him.  To this day some of the drive he has is due to you – he is always trying to prove he has made something of his life despite whatever it was you thought of him.  He loved you and I am sure you loved him, but you cannot have him yet.”

I told Mike, “You cannot have him yet.  In life I think you both might have gotten along but that doesn’t mean you can bring him to your playground.  Like you he is creative, he loves solving problems.  He loves doing for others in the most unexpected way.  Like you he has made an impression on those at church, he has made some very special altar items for the church.  Like you he is driven to succeed, to prove to his family that he is a survivor in spite of being poor when he was growing up.  Unlike you, he knows how to manage finances and has helped himself and several others to do the same (even me, who now has a pretty good bank account).  See, you cannot have him yet.”

I told my parents, “You cannot have him yet.  I know you are ‘up there’ dancing with the other angels.  I bet they have a spectacular square dance going on and you are loving every minute of it.  George doesn’t dance much – so he won’t join in your fun.  Dad, while you only knew him for a little while, he promised you he would take care of me, and he is doing that.  Mom, you knew him awhile longer, you enjoyed his company.  But your little girl still needs him, so you cannot have him just yet.”

I told his brother, “You cannot have him yet.  I know you looked up to him as your big brother and perhaps felt you never measured up to him.  He and your mom both tell me you were a special little boy who had your own unique set of problems from the time you were little.  He tells me that your dad always gave you more than him, that your dad favored you over him.  He could see that your dad loved you.  You made some of the same mistakes that your dad made by not keeping your diabetes well under control.  You had spending problems like your dad.  He has learned by watching and he has now learned that he can control his diet if he has to and he definitely is a saver.  He rescued your family when they needed it.  I know you love your big brother, but you cannot him yet, either.”

God told him, “I do not want you yet, my Son.  That is why I created a kidney stone so you would know there was something wrong with you.  I have given you the chance to continue life on earth.  While I know there will be some suffering along the way, know that I will hold you in the palm of my hand, breathing life into you, whispering words of faith when you are weak.  All you have to do is ask and I will give to you what you need when you need it.  You can come to me and talk to me whenever you would like to.  I will listen.  I will hear your cries when you are in pain, your tears of sorrow when you are down, your pleas for mercy when all seems wrong with the world.  I will hold you.  I love you, my son.  But I do not want you yet.”

He made you a promise, God. He made a pledge to you once he comes through the other side of this cancer journey.  I know in order for him to fulfill this promise he will be required to lean on you even more, to know that you will provide for him emotionally, financially and spiritually.  He has a hard time letting go of that type of control, so be patient with him.  I am not ready to let you have him yet.  He is not ready to go to You yet.  You do not want him, you have other plans for him.  And he will deliver to You when the time comes.  His angels here on earth will ensure that he does!

The C Word – Day 16 Forward Progress

Quite unexpectedly the oncologist called me this morning with the name of a local surgeon based in the Los Gatos area. He suggested we call and get an appointment with him this week. He also stated that in the CT scan done in 2007 when George had his first kidney stone showed a small tumor on his small bowel.  This was not brought to our attention at that time.  When he compared the size then to what it looks like now he sounded encouraged that it had grown relatively slowly over seven years meaning while this is a rather aggressive and unusual cancer, it is moving in slower motion than most cancers.  I phoned George to let him know about the call and the surgeon and could tell within minutes that he had moved quickly into an anxiety mode.  I realized in an instant that I would have to take matters in my hand and make the necessary appointments happen.  I spent part of my morning talking with the surgeon’s office scheduling that appointment, calling the oncologist’s office to get updated on status of the CT scan approval and then, upon finding out when it was approved calling and getting a scan scheduled for tomorrow.  I also called the hospital records office and got them moving on preparing a CD of all the test results for us to take to the surgeon’s office on Friday. 

This evening during our counseling session we discussed what had transpired since last week and where we stood emotionally with that.  She emphasized to George that he needs to find balance between googling online to get information and still maintaining a healthy attitude.  You see, George has become obsessed with finding out as much information as he can about PMP, the kind of surgeon we need, the treatments, etc.  However, the more he thinks about it the more anxious he can get.  The end result is that he needs to listen to me when I tell him to “stop” and turn off the computer and find things to do that are more productive and have nothing to do with the “C” word.  Take a walk, sit in the back yard, take a drive…. Just give the brain some time off from the inevitable. 

Things appear to be moving more quickly than anticipated.  Maybe it will keep on going along quickly and smoothly with everything falling into place.  I think I am relieved there is someone local to do the surgery as the cost of picking up and going somewhere else in the state or country could prove to be quite high, as well as the fact that our support system is embedded here in the Bay Area.  There are very definitive advantages in being close to your support system because more people means that the burdens need not be entirely mine to carry during and after the surgery.  I will have family and friends that can step in and allow me a break from time to time.

Another positive thing (always trying to find the rainbow, that’s me) is that the diet we have had in place for George since January can be nearly tossed out the window.  Last year when the doctor informed him that his A1C1 levels were high he told George it showed inflammation in the body.  He assumed it was the fact that carbohydrates (like bread) could not be tolerated in his body and he needed to cut them out of the diet entirely.

While this change in diet did result in a weight loss of about 30 pounds initially, it stalled a few months back.  And George noted to himself that he did not appear to be losing the gut as well. 

Now we know why the gut would not go away – because that is where there is indeed inflammation.  But not inflammation due to carbs but rather this disease which has gained a foothold in his gut.  The domino effect of finding out about this PMP is that after surgery George will probably lose much more weight and will probably be able to actually realize a goal weight which he has not seen for over a decade.  The problems he has had bending over is more due to the state of his peritoneum than to his weight.  While surgery is never something we look forward to, the end result of this could turn out to be good.  And we also know that with the cytoreduction surgery the chances of survival for 5, 10 or more years is actually in our favor.  That means more time with the kids, grandkids, and, oh yes, even me!! 

While we still need to eat healthily at least some of George’s comfort foods can be reintroduced into his diet in moderation.

Lots going on today – but much to be thankful for.  Thankful that we have an oncologist who is proactive and working quickly to find a surgeon.  Thankful for very kind receptionists and office staff at the surgeons office, the oncologist office and even O’Connor scheduling who quickly were able to get everything in place for us today so we can plan out our week.    Thankful for our bosses at work who are generously letting us take whatever time we need to take care of business.  Thankful for all our friends who are praying unceasingly for us.  

The C Word – Day 15 Dealing with Changes

While yesterday was frustrating, it brought to light issues that are going to take place and ones we need to deal with.  This is only the beginning of the journey and the road will not be an easy one.

Reading about the surgery (or surgeries) that will need to take place is daunting.  We hope the oncologist finds a local surgeon though we have not read of anyone in our area who has performed any number of these surgeries. The nearest one with the most experience is San Diego, an eight hour drive from home. 

We have read that with the major surgery option for this PMP, the prognosis is decent.  We have read stories from survivors and even a classmate of mine knows of someone who has been through this process as well.  That gives us hope.  Not that there is not anxiety, but there is hope. 

Hubby is anxious and taking his Ativan to help curb it a little bit.  Today is 49er football (sorry to my East Coast family who are not 49er Faithfuls).  Actually, having football season starting is a good thing because that will occupy hours every week on Sundays, Monday nights, and Thursday nights. 

We have started the process of find an evening caregiver for my mother-in-law.  I met someone while working on the Walk to End Alzheimer’s who has a caregiving business and has experience with and a heart for Alzheimer’s.  She is a sweet person and I think she will do well by us.  She says that their care can grow and change with us – and we will need that.  She will meet with George’s sister tomorrow evening to finalize things.  Starting next week (well after some training), I will no longer need to worry about rushing home to care for mom.  If George and I want to go out for dinner, we can do so.  If we have late afternoon or evening appointments we can do so without worry or additional planning on our part.  One less thing on my plate… and as time moves on if we need additional hours or overnight care, we will have the avenue to make that happen. 

We have not yet told mom about George’s health concerns.  With the Alzheimer’s affecting her we feel that, until it really impacts her, we will wait until it is necessary.  We never know what details she will remember and which ones she won’t.  Sometimes I wonder about “mother’s intuition though.  The other night when I heard her moving about after she’d been in bed awhile I went to check on her.  When I asked her what was the matter she commented that “she’d been looking for George”.  She said that she must have been dreaming and in her dream George was in an accident or something and he was badly hurt, I was with him (I don’t remember if she said we were both hurt), and we were in another city.  It was as if some instinct in her very warped and hazy brain had kicked in and she felt something was wrong with him and that he was not at home but somewhere else.  That will be the case in the near future but for that moment in time she had some inner gut feeling that registered.  It was very weird to hear her speak what I know is the future.

Like Mary Poppins, “the winds are changing” i.e., the times they are changing whether we like or not.  Our feelings, thoughts and prayers will ebb and flow throughout the journey.  My ability to be flexible will be challenged as will my patience.  We both will be challenged in ways we never expected to be.  Change is inevitable for everyone, some are just bigger than others. 

The C Word – Day 14 Craving Normal

Today is awful for me.  The house is too quiet.  George does not want to nor care to do anything.  I am listless and just want to get out and LIVE!  Between caring for George’s mom which has tied us down – and now this, is there a point in which I get to scream “Let’s get out of Dodge!” and then just DO it!  If there is, today would be the day. 

After spending two weeks “waiting”, not going anywhere and, with the exception of work (and my couple of early AM workouts) and now this next “waiting” period until September 5^th I am likely to go stir crazy.

I think George thought that I may have been kidding when I remarked to his sister yesterday that, “you might get a phone call saying we want to get out of town for the evening or the night”.  Honestly, I couldn’t be farther from the truth.  If the next few months are to be mired down in appointments, surgeries, chemotherapy – then I really do need a vacation NOW!  It wouldn’t be the vacation I had hoped for, but at least get out and try to find some normalcy, that would be nice.  This may be the only chance we have to do something that, not only is non-cancer related, but is non-mom related as well.  Aside from a CT scan, there is nothing else needing to be done for two weeks.  

While George would prefer to sit and do nothing, scourging the internet for more news on the diagnosis, looking at survival rates, procedures, etc. I would prefer to live in THIS moment and finding some good stuff to think about for awhile. The only thing that has changed between two weeks ago and now is that we “know” something isn’t right… other than that there are no symptoms associated with the disease that would prevent us from getting away.  

Like The Cat in the Hat… I do not like this, I do not like this at all. 

… and the old Calgon commercial… “Take me away!”

… and the movie title, “Something’s Gotta Give”. 

Now, if I could only convince my husband…..

The C Word – Day 13 The Enemy Has A Name

The name is Pseudomyxoma Peritonei (PMP for short).  It is rare, extremely rare.  The treatment of it will be almost purely experimental because there are few case studies available.  Even the literature that the oncologist gave us was printed off the internet from the United Kingdom.  On top of that is the peritoneal carcinomatosis which he showed on the CT scan as sort of a hardening of the lining of the stomach.

On the “plus” side, if you can call it that, is that we can attempt to treat it (there is no cure).  At the very least we can buy some more time, maybe lots more.  That part is an unknown.  The fact that George has not had symptoms and is in relatively good health means that we are going into this able to fight as hard as we can.  (The doctor expected to see a patient that was in extreme pain and with no energy.) George is somewhat relieved because he was preparing himself to be told that there would be no treatment at all - but there can be some hope if everything falls into place.  

**********  This section is copied from a website, my comments follow below the ********

Here is what PMP is:  A very rare type of cancer that usually begins in your appendix as a small growth, called a polyp.  The polyp eventually spreads through the wall of your appendix and then spreads cancerous cells to the lining of the abdominal cavity (the peritoneum).  These cancerous cells produce mucus, which collects in the abdomen as a jelly like fluid called mucin.    The causes for this cancer are unknown but could be caused by a number of factors working together.  PMP does not act like most cancers and does not spread through the bloodstream or the lymphatic systems.  It spreads inside the abdomen.  It develops very slowly and it may be many years before you have any symptom from this type of cancer. 

The treatment could include any or all of the following: The treatment of PMP depends on a number of factors. These include how far the tumor has spread and your general health. Some of the standard cancer treatments, such as radiotherapy, aren't suitable for treating PMP. This is because PMP cells aren't sensitive to radiotherapy and they are often spread over too large an area for this treatment.

You may be offered surgery to treat this kind of cancer. There are two types of surgery:

Cytoreductive surgery and hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy (HIPEC).

This may be an option for some people. It‘s an intensive treatment that aims to remove the tumor to try to cure PMP.  Once the surgeon has removed all or most of the tumor, a heated chemotherapy drug is put in the tummy (hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy) for 90 minutes during the operation. The combination of the chemotherapy drug and heat aims to kill any tumor cells that are left behind. This is a major operation and may take up to 10 hours. Afterwards, you’ll be nursed in a critical care unit for several days and will stay in hospital for about 2 weeks.

Debulking surgery

This is done when it’s not possible to have cytoreductive surgery. It aims to remove as much of the tumor as possible to reduce the symptoms of the cancer. Unfortunately, this surgery will not take away all the tumor cells and the PMP is likely to grow back. Further debulking operations may be needed. However, each operation becomes more difficult to do, with less benefit and more risks of complications each time.

Chemotherapy

Chemotherapy can be used to treat PMP. Some people who can’t have surgery may benefit from chemotherapy. It does not cure the cancer but can be used to slow it down. Research into other treatments for PMP is ongoing and advances are being made. Cancer specialists use clinical trials to assess new treatments. You may be asked to take part in a clinical trial. Your doctor must discuss the treatment with you so that you have a full understanding of the trial and what it means to take part.

****************************************************************** 

Our testing starts with a full CT scan and lab work. The full scan is needed to see if there are any more pockets of fluid or tumors anywhere else. In two weeks we meet with the oncologist again and hope that he has found a surgeon willing to take the case.  Given that this is rare, the surgeon may never have had the opportunity to perform such a surgery.  The objective would be to remove as much of the bad stuff as possible so that chemotherapy is possible. 

George can start short term disability at any time but I have expressed to him that he should at least try to go to work this coming week.  With the exception of perhaps the CT scan there are no other tests required this week.  Keeping occupied and taking care of loose ends at work will keep his mind on other things. 

Our prayers today are that a GOOD surgeon is found who is willing to take on the case.  After meeting the oncologist and his associates today we are confident that they will do everything they can to bring us through this. 

We, of course, are still digesting all of this information.  Tears will come and go as we fully realize the scope of what this treatment will involve.  While there is still much unknown, we now know the name of the enemy and we are preparing for battle.  

The C Word – Day 12 One plus one is greater than two

Marriage is never about just two people.  It is also about the families that come along with the couple – from in-laws to siblings and so on.  When it is a second marriage there are may also be other children in the mix.

And so today, the final day before whatever is to come tomorrow, I will concentrate on the importance of understanding why God chose this family for me.

The road of blending two families is not always easy.  I was raised in a very easy-going family, everyone got along, family functions were often very large reaching out to all the aunts, uncles and cousins.  Holidays were spent visiting other family members or welcoming people into the house.  George was, well let’s just say that his experience was far different from mine.  We have struggled to find the middle ground between our two views of holidays, how to have family functions, etc.  He lets me have my way now and again, sometimes begrudgingly, but he concedes once in a while.  There have been and continue to be times where some of his family members do not speak to one another.  That has been the most challenging for me to deal with.  I have learned that we are not guaranteed a “tomorrow” so there is not enough time in this world to harbor hatred for anyone.   BUT… I am here for a reason… well, more than one I am sure. And George is also in my life because of God’s reasons.

Included in these reasons could be:

Being a step-parent:  A fine balance between allowing our children to fully love their “real” parents, allowing said parents to be the primary persons in their lives and being there for them for advice.  With Mike gone, George has tried to be a role model for them, trying not to overstep his boundaries.  He is not their dad, just as I am not his daughter’s mom.  Over time we have gained the trust of one another’s children and we have been able to complement each others’ strengths to help our children in their lives.

Being a caregiver:  I have been thrust into the role as a caregiver, not to my mother, but to my mother-in-law.  While it is somewhat easier for me to deal with (because, after all she is not my mother) it is none-the-less a trial in patience, love and understanding.  There are times I wish things were different.  I would like nothing better than to be carefree again, running in the moment rather than having to plan every little thing far in advance. When I lost my own mom, though, I was angry that she was taken from me far too soon (in my opinion) when the person in the next room was losing her brain function every day.  It wasn’t fair. But God has chosen to make me appreciate my home, has allowed me to build a beautiful yard and lovingly has decided that I still need to work on that “patience” thing.

Being a spouse:  When this relationship first started, it was George who watched over me as I went through the grieving process of losing my first husband.  He was attentive, he allowed for me to just feel what I needed to feel and respected the relationship that I’d had with Mike.  We take care of each other, confide in each other, encourage one other. 

And now it is my turn to hold him in my arms and comfort him.  I haven’t yet figured out “why me” or rather, “why not me?”  It is still too early for that.  I imagine that there will be times I will feel overwhelmed caring for a husband who is not feeling too great and a mother in law who can’t remember if she locked her door or made her bed and, eventually, may not remember who we are.  I will probably learn that I will have to “give it up” and ask for more assistance than I do now (and that process has already started as we look for an evening caregiver for Mom).  I will have to learn to pray more often, something easily forgotten during the good times.  I will learn to live in those quiet moments, holding George, loving him.  I will always seek times for him to spend with his children and grandchildren.  Precious moments. I don’t know what God has planned.  I don’t know if it will be good or bad as of this moment.  I do know that there are many people pulling for us, rooting us on, hoping for the best and that is more than anyone can ask for. 

When we go to bed tonight we most assuredly are feeling the tension mounting.  Tomorrow begins the true start of this journey, whatever it is.  The not knowing piece is extremely difficult to bear.  We are glad to have so many prayer warriors lifting us up because on our own we cannot do this.  Tomorrow we will let everyone know what we find out.  And our journey will continue…..  

The C Word – Day 11 Adapting with Grace

“Shepherd, show me how to go, o’er the hillside steep”

While this speaks about our true Shepherd, sometimes He sends us earthly ones to guide us.  We met with our new therapist last night.  Elisabeth gave us some very good advice going into our final few days before meeting the oncologist.  The best advice she gave for George was to concentrate on what we DO know, not what we do not know.  Stop thinking about the “what if’s” for now. She suggested that we take time out to create a list of questions.  We have already done this but we need to re-visit it in case there are new questions we have since last week. She suggested that we bring a recording device with us so that we can go back and listen to it in the event there are things said that we either did not hear due to stress or that we forgot exactly what was said.  Very good advice.  Thanks, doc!

The Shepherd is always guiding us through all of our hills and valleys.  Some journeys take longer than others.  Some evolve over time, morphing and taking on new shape.  We all have our own stories.  I will share another one of mine.  While this one has nothing to do with the “C” word, it has everything to do with the way I have had to learn to adapt to life circumstances. 

A trying time for me was finding out that my daughter was gay.  That was hard to wrap my head around.  I did not see that coming at all.  I instinctively fought to correct that.  I felt that life for her was hard enough, never mind being gay.  It did not help that so many of her early choices in relationships were not with people I deemed worthy for her.  She, too, covered things up for a very long time, choosing to leave me out of decisions she had made. I want her to be happy.  While how I feel is important, she must lead her life the way she sees fit, just like any of my other children.  The advice I give her is the same advice I give to all of my children. I encourage them to always do their best, to find work that makes them feel fulfilled, to hopefully find something that not only supports them but allows them to put something away for retirement. When choosing life partners I hope they are wise and choose people that will support them through good times and bad and help them continue to grow as adults.  As time has gone on I have become more accepting of her for who she is rather than who I think she should be. 

God has taught me tolerance.

My sister shared something online with me today.  This is how she views me…. Thank you, sis.  You give me a lot of credit for simply being me, the me that God created.  We all have choices how we want to handle the circumstances handed to us.  We can ALL be queens of our own lives.

The C Word – Day 10 Meeting some professionals

Yesterday was rough, one of those “I can’t put my finger on it but am feeling out of sorts” kind of day.  I was able to meet my new general doctor.  I had been looking for a new one since the last two I have had bailed out of the office practice.  I rather liked what the D.O. (Doctor of Osteopathy – treating the whole body by preventative methods) and wanted to find another.  Actually, my daughter found this one.  First female doctor I have ever had.  (Of course, considering I did not use that many doctors at all until I was nearly forty….. well, enough said.)  The appointment started out well enough but soon I commented on the fact that my BP may be a little high today because we just found out my husband has cancer.  As I teared up, so did she.  Then she came over and gave me a hug.  I commented that a male doctor would never have done that and we both laughed a little.  Long story short, I think I will like this doctor and know that she will do her best to keep me on track through this ordeal.

Today has been somewhat better.  My dear college room mate, Sherri, sent me a CD of some old familiar tunes of hymns from our church when we were younger.  This particular album was sung by a young man who was popularly known to us in the 1970's.  I plugged that CD into my car and listened to it on the way to work.  Although I left the Christian Science faith many years ago, there was comfort in the words and comfort in the familiar tunes.  Thank you to a friend who knows how much music means to me.  

Tonight we both are meeting with a psychologist to start the process of learning some new or better coping skills.  Having been this route before, I know that it will be helpful – though painful in its’ own way.

This morning I woke up with a tune in my head.  I couldn’t remember the lyrics, but I did remember who sang the song and had to search for it on the internet.  It is from an artist I heard when she toured with the Women of Faith group.  She has a deep, rich voice and if you get a chance to look her up I think you will enjoy some of her songs.

Heaven Knows Lyrics

Artist: Kathy Troccoli

I can hear the rain
Falling on my rooftop
And every drop just seems to be
The cry inside of me

I can feel the pain
Falling on this world
While life can be so fine in here
I yearn to be up there

Heaven knows
All of what I long to know
Promises of love I'll live forever

Heaven rules
Far beyond where my heart goes
What we could do if only all the world knew
What heaven knows

There would be no fear
There would be no sorrow
The pride that rules the souls of men
We'd never see again

Heaven knows
All of what I long to know
Promises of love, I'll live forever

Heaven rules
Far beyond where my heart goes
What we could do if only all the world knew
What heaven knows

One day we'll see
We will be home together free forever

Heaven knows
All of what I long to know
Promises of love I'll live forever

Heaven rules
Far beyond where my heart goes
What we could do if only all the world knew
What heaven knows
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/kathy-troccoli/heaven-knows-lyrics/#pfYESoZ5vMOFM8tJ.99

The C Word – Day 9 False Hope or Real Answers

It is the morning of Day 9.  Most of my thoughts were written last night before going to bed.

 After speaking to George’s sister over the weekend, she went home and contemplated the news about his cancer. She then remembered that she’d seen the news some time ago about the unusual number of people affected by cancer or cancer related illnesses who lived at Camp LeJeune in the late 1950’s through the 1980’s.  Apparently there was a lot of ground contamination resulting in unusual cases of cancer in people who never drank, smoked, etc.  George and his family lived there in at least 1957 and 1958.  They lived on the very street in question of being contaminated.

This could be part of our answer.  This could be the root of George’s rare and unusual cancer.  This could be something the doctors can look into.  There are fifteen types of cancer that are related to residing at Camp LeJeune and an application to the government can result in assistance with out-of-pocket expenses.  It can’t fix the fact that he has cancer, but it may provide a source for help financially should we need it.

One of the cancer’s noted was lymphoma. This was also one of the “guesses” that the general doctor gave us in his office.  We know this is treatable.  It may be an arduous process but it is treatable.  If this is indeed the problem, there is hope. 

While it will be a few more days before we find out IF there has been progress in making a conclusion as to what type of cancer has, we want to grasp for any hope that we can that this is a treatable and/or curable cancer.  Stuck in this limbo, this wait and see period of time is difficult at best.  Friday may not even bring us all the answers we need.  There will be more tests, more waiting rooms, more waiting. 

I did not have a song in my head when I woke up this morning. This is probably due to the fact that I left the television on as some video valium for George should he awaken during the night.  Once I got up and got ready to get back to the gym, a verse came to me – and then the song started playing in my head.  How appropriate it is for my thoughts from last night about being not the Rock, but the assistant Rock!

Hymn #370 
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: 1 Timothy 1:1

1.  My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

We ask continued prayer for some relief for George’s anxieties.  He is not sleeping well.  He is eating a little more, although somewhat reluctantly at times.  Lurking over his shoulder is this constant anxiety.  Through your prayers and my faith I have been able to get some rest these past few days.  Again, it all boils down to how the two of us have always viewed life.  His glass half empty, mine half full.  I prefer to believe that we will be okay – and if that proves to not be the case I will “buck up” and battle this.  While I can be his physical “rock” (something he can hold on to, right here and right now), the real rock is the power of God. 

Truth be told…. I had a hard time today as well.  Not sure why.  Probably the fact that “D” day for “C” day is closing in on us.  Please pray for both of us, for strength and courage to get through not only the next few days but whatever comes after that as well.

Thank you for following our story.  Some may ask why I chose to do this.  My answer is multi-faceted.  First, journaling/blogging is a good way for me to work through issues, problems, etc.  By putting them in “ink” so to speak I can better visualize things and process them.  Secondly, my story may help someone else cope.  Thirdly, this is a passive, non-intrusive way for friends and family to follow us on the journey.  I don’t have to make tons of phone calls to keep people posted on how things are going.  And lastly, my readers will know exactly how they can help – praying, calling, visiting, etc.  I am hoping that you will know, by my posts, when we can use you the most  - as there may be times when I will not know or recognize the signs.  So, thank you for reading, supporting, and caring.  We love and appreciate all of you. 

The C Word – Day 8 Song Therapy

It is said that music soothes the soul.  For me, music does so many things.  It can make me clap along or tap my feet in time with the beat of the music.

There are also many times I act like a conductor, my hands moving to the beat as if there is an orchestra in front of me.  1-2-3, 1-2-3.  I’m sure people in the car next to me are wondering what I am doing!

Music can make me dance… in the aisles…. of the department store.  Just ask my kids.  They used to be embarrassed.  Now they do the same thing!

Music can take me back in time.  Childhood memories.  Learning to dance the Cha Cha to “I heard it through the grapevine”.  I still find myself doing that when I hear the song today.  So much good music back in the 60’s and 70’s.  Some songs emitting stronger memories than others – most of them good ones.

Music can be nostalgic in a sad way sometimes, making me miss someone who has gone on ahead to Heaven.

Music can make my heart sing with joy – and can make me fall on my knees in desperate prayer.  Sometimes, especially in church in worship, it can bring me to tears.  There is nothing more powerful than singing the Lord’s Prayer with a church full of believers.  Is God present?  You bet!

The power of song.

These past few days upon awakening there has always been a song playing in my head.  Songs I have not heard or sung in a while.  Bubbling up.  I know that God is putting them there for me.  I feel like a record player (huh? What’s that?!)

This is today’s song.

"I Love You, Lord"

I love you, Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh, my soul, rejoice!

Take joy my King
In what You hear
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
In Your ear

You, my Lord, I sing to you.  I lift my heart and soul up in fervent prayer today.  I give You thanks and praise that you have provided us with many prayer warriors, many concerned friends willing to step up to the plate and take this journey by our side.  I am totally, utterly humbled at such a time as this.  While I have had to toss aside my will, my plans, I submit to Your will. There will be tears along the way because of my human nature, I don’t always like my plans to be changed on me.  I will do my best to listen for that “still, small voice”, the one that will nudge me to move according to Your plan.

The C Word – Day 7 Life Changes

One of the most monumental life changes I had to overcome was losing Mike.  Unexpected. Shocking. Totally rocked our world. Getting through this took some doing.  If anyone ever tells you that “you will get over it”, they are wrong.  You can get THROUGH it by the grace of God and faith that through him all things are possible. In the end what helped me survive was trying to look at those things which made his life worth living and look at those around me to see if their lives had been changed because of him.  My dad eulogized him by talking about the “ripple effect”.  Like a perfectly flat stone tossed in the water creating a rippling effect, reaching far beyond its origin to touch upon other things and sometimes even reaching the shore, so were there people whose lives he touched who in turn touched other, creating a beautiful long lasting circle that reached beyond its’ center. 

While we all understand that we will not live forever, none of us knows exactly when our last day on earth will be.  We did not know when Mike’s last day would be.  In retrospect could we have seen the signs?  Certainly we had done some things in those last months that we had not done for a while.  Thanksgiving with his brother in Sonora.  Fostering a young girl. He got to experience being a grandfather to our foster daughters’ baby.  Belated Christmas dinner with Randi. Days later he was gone.  There was a number on him.  God knew.  We did not.  In the “not knowing” when the end day is you take life for granted.  You also get to just enjoy life.

After Mike died I felt that I was more equipped to handle a spousal loss than he would have been.  I had been the one taking care of the finances, doing the planning for where the kids needed to be and when.  I knew exactly where all the paperwork was for all the things that came up afterward.  While life had forever changed, I was better able to handle the crisis.

What I gained after that life changing event was a second chance at love again, another family to love, my circle, too, had expanded.  God gave me new chances and made life worth living.  I feel God has put me into this family for his own reasons and purposes.  If nothing else, I know that me, my girls and my family have had a positive effect on our second family.

So what is different about this experience?  The one with the “C” word.  The one that is casting a pall over the house we live in. 

While this experience may be trying to tell us that George’s life may be shorter than we expected, that is still unknown.  The exact time is not known.  Given medical science and its knowledge, this life could be extended for years.  Alternative medicine could be an answer.  We do not yet know what is in store.

This is probably easier for me to say since it is not my life hanging on a hinge right now.  If it were me I also might also suffer the anxiety that he is experiencing. He commented today that he wished he did not know about this.  For some reason, God has intervened by way of a tiny little, small as a grain of sand kidney stone verified by a CT scan.  HE wanted us to know.  But why?  Did he wanted us to know so we would have the time to plan?  Is this His way of telling George he needs to let go of some of his responsibilities so if or when the time eventually comes the transition will be easier?  Is this just God’s way of telling George he needs to take life less seriously instead of always worrying about the future?  Telling him “Oh ye of little faith, do you not know the plans I have in store for you? You need to put your faith in me, my son.”

George had a conversation with God the other day.  He asked Him to make a deal with him.  He told Him, I am not done living yet – then turned that around and said “I don’t think you are done with me yet, your purpose for me is not yet done.”  We have got to believe that. 

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wondering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because what of You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours

The C Word – Day 6 Thank you for the prayers

I know there are so many of your praying for us out there.  And you have requested prayers of others, of perfect strangers to make that circle even bigger.  I want to thank you for those prayers.  It is those prayers that will lift us up and give us strength when we have none of our own to offer.  We will need you to hold us high.  We know that God answers prayers – and we also know that he doesn’t always answer in the way we might expect him to. 

As I lay in bed this morning suspended somewhere between sleep and awake I started hearing songs and thoughts.  One of my college roommates, upon hearing our news, sent me a poem that I had long forgotten but is something I used to hold tight to.

I am the place that God shines through
He and I are one not two
He wants me where and as I am
If I'll not fret, nor will, nor plan
If I'll just be relaxed and free
He'll carry out his plan through me.

Thank you, Sherri.  I needed that.  I need to remember to let God shine through me and through George.

Then my thoughts moved on to a song we heard sung by Ricky Skaggs (back in the day when he sang the country genre):

Somebody’s Prayin’

(John G. Elliott)

Somebody's prayin, I can feel it
Somebody's prayin' for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord, I believe, Lord, I believe
Somebody's prayin' for me.

Angels are watchin', I can feel it
Angels are watchin' over me
There's many miles ahead 'til I get home
Still I'm safely kept before your throne
'Cause Lord, I believe, Lord, I believe
Your angels are watchin' over me.

Well, I've walked through barren wilderness
Where my pillow was a stone
And I've been through the darkest caverns
Where no light had ever shown.
Still I went on 'cause there was someone
Who was down on their knees
And Lord, I thank you for those people
Prayin' all this time for me.

Somebody's prayin', I can feel it
Somebody's prayin' for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord, I believe, Lord, I believe
Somebody's prayin' for me.

Somebody's prayin' for me...

Thank you, Lord, for sending me so many mighty prayer warriors and for having some super angels who are watching down on us.  I shed tears of humbleness that you all care for us so much.  I shed tears of thankfulness that I know you will be part of our yoke as we walk these trenches.  I can FEEL you, that’s how strong you are all praying.  I kneel before you in gratitude.  I know your prayers will reach our daughters as well.  They are infants when it comes to knowing your faith and I pray that they learn well from this.

On a lighter note, after singing in my mind that song I went back to a time when Becke was perhaps 4 years old.  She was such a country fan just like her dad.  We could not afford too many extravagances but when Ricky Skaggs came to the Circle Theatre in San Mateo, her Aunt Randi and I took her to see the show.  Oh my gosh, she was so excited.  She loved his songs so much.  We had seats near an aisle and we asked an usher if it would be possible for her to go to the stage and give him a flower we’d bought.  He did not know if it would work but kept it in mind.  Becke waited rather impatiently for the opening act to get done.  She couldn’t be bothered with them.  Finally he came to the stage.  At one point the usher came and got Becke and brought her to the stage.  Ricky lifted her up, gave her a hug and accepted her flower.  When she got back to our seats she was so happy.  Randi and I hugged her and we could smell Ricky’s cologne on her.  The two of us looked at each other and said, “Never gonna wash this child again!!”  Soon after that Becke fell asleep (it was way past her bed time by now) but she had done what she came for and then her little body ran out of adrenaline!  Such a precious moment to share with her.

Today I meet my new doctor.  This appointment was in the books for a few weeks and could not come at a better time.  I know it important to maintain my own health in order to be the best that I can be.  That is especially important right now.  Perhaps we can run an errand or two and spend some time in the fresh air.  Friends are due to stop in today and that will be good for George. 

Day 6 and counting… counting on you who are following this blog to lift us up in steady streams of prayers.  Thank you, a thousand times, thank you.

The C Word – Day 5 An update …and A Little Philosophy

First, an update on how our day went.  Let’s just say there was a lot of anxiety over the impending paracentesis.  I was allowed to accompany George throughout all of the various waiting rooms and on into the ultrasound room where I could wait until the doctor came in.  The gal doing the initial sonogram first tried to pinpoint the exact location where they could get the most fluid.  She then went and got two additional jars to add to the one already in the room.  These jars were I would say quart size.  I looked at George and said, “looks like they plan on helping you lose a lot of weight right now.”  However, the doctor came in and after looking through the sonargram said that it looked like there were a lot of shadows in there which meant the fluid was going to be thick.  In the end he could barely get out 17 mm of fluid.  He doesn’t know if that is enough for pathology and cystology so we have to wait and see.  If they need more fluid then it will require surgery to get it.  Yuck.  Now we have to wait until next Friday for any results from todays procedure.

… and now for a little of my philosophy of life thoughts.

Some people have posed statements such as “you’ve been through so much”, “you don’t deserve this”.  They wonder if I am asking myself “Why me?” 

While I try not to dwell on such thoughts, they do cross my mind sometimes.  However, a dear friend once told me her story.  Her husband went suddenly blind one day.  She sat with her pastor and asked “Why me, Lord?  Why me?”  Her pastor looked at her and said, “Why not you?”

It would be so easy to give in to the “Woe is me” or “Why me” kingdom.  And it is not that I never do it (see prior day;s posting)… but I have learned it best to pause and figure out why such trials and tribulations are put in our paths. 

Certainly, the earliest tests were those of relationships.  Broken hearts.  Ah, to be young again.  In those moments of angst there is anger and disappointment.  After getting past those and into what would become marriage, although there is the occasional “what if” things had gone as I had wanted… in the end what I got was so much more.  Regrets?  Nah.

I’m not sure why it is easier for me than for others to have an innate sense of faith.   Knowing that God is with me even in times of uncertainty.  From an early age I was taught that God is Love.  Seems simple enough to me.  I have always been a positive person.  As I’ve grown older I have managed to find the rainbow, the hint of good in most any circumstance. 

As years went by that faith would be tested again and again.  There are some that I remember more than others.  The time that my newborn baby girl was in NICU and the doctors kept changing their story about when she could go home.  As I held her I knew instinctively that she was fine.  I challenged the hospital doctor to release her on religious ground (Christian Science) and was able to secure a compromise enabling me to take her home.

I felt it again when I made the decision to turn away from the religion I had grown up in order to feed and emptiness that I had in my soul.  He (God) knew what I needed and guided me toward new faith.

 There was a time when I had decided to leave a job.  It wasn’t that I loathed the job so much as it was the management of the company.  I loved the people I worked with but could no longer tolerate the way our division was being handled.  I remember driving to work on my last day listening to Twila Paris sing:

I am ready to be
All You've given me to be
Lord, I offer You my pride
Lay it down

Where I have been bound
Father come and set me free
I am ready now to be finally me

I am ready to be
All You've given me to be
Lord, I offer You my life
Lay it down

Where I have been bound
Father come and set me free
I am ready now to be finally, faithfully, willingly me

Tears were streaming down my face as I was taking a leap of faith by leaving the corporate world and jumping into unknown (sort of) territory working at the same place as my hubby, Mike, doing something I knew absolutely nothing about.  I felt God’s hand pushing me to grow.

Sometimes we choose to fight the hand of God. We feel the urge to fight or flight whatever is going on.  To acknowledge that something bigger than us is moving us toward decisions is not always easy.