The “C” Word – Day 3 Feeling a little selfish today

I was going to take a pause and ruminate about the lessons learned from life’s circumstances, but that elephant decided to pay a visit in the wee hours of the morning, weighing heavily on my chest, so it appears that I need to get rid of some of that load first.

I slept last night – at least for awhile.  This time I got about five hours in.  Of course, to be honest, I used some of the Ambien that I had prescribed quite awhile ago.  I needed help relaxing my brain.  I awoke about 2:15 and as is the usual case needed to use the bathroom.  Once awake, sleep eludes me as usual.  I rolled over and found George’s arm to hold on to.  He needs my strength right now.  After awhile I turn on my Kindle and find a message from a friend.  There are lots of those these days. 

I lay awake and my mind shoots off in ten thousand directions.  When I realize that George, too, is awake I roll over and massage his head which he really likes.  It helps him relax.  This tender act only serves to awaken my sense and soon tears are spilling onto my pillow.  I think about all the things we have planned to do and wonder if we will be able to.

I think about the backyard sanctuary that I have built this past year.  One created in memory of my mom.  George and I have been enjoying sitting out there in the evening, watching the hummingbirds, listening to the water fountain, watching the sky.  It is peaceful.  I cannot even imagine sitting out there alone doing those things.  Maybe on occasion, but not forevWer.

I think about the fact that we had been not only looking forward to this upcoming vacation, but the fact that George’s job will be changing by the time we returned and he was looking forward to those changes.  It was going to make this last push towards retirement a little easier for him.  For the first time in a long time he had a better outlook on his job.  Instead, he may be facing months of treatments.

I think about all the creative things George planned on doing once he retired.  Living in “man land” creating works of art through his wood working skills.  Sharing his plans with his son-in-law with whom he managed to create another wood shop monster!  His next project is to be a double bench for us to sit on in the backyard.  Will he have the time, energy and strength to pursue this? 

I think about how, though we are tied down to being home because of his mom, there will be a day when that would not be the case.  The time would come when we could once again be free to live in the moment, take a spur of the moment trip, whenever and wherever we wanted, without having to plan for who takes care of mom.  WE…… not ME.

As I lay in bed all I could do was pray for a miracle.  We have reached out to so many and I know there are prayers being sent up in droves.  While I know that God does not always answer us in the way we want him, I hope that just this once he will respond in the affirmative.  I will live with whatever answer we get, but I will keep praying for that miracle.