The C Word – Day 5 An update …and A Little Philosophy

First, an update on how our day went.  Let’s just say there was a lot of anxiety over the impending paracentesis.  I was allowed to accompany George throughout all of the various waiting rooms and on into the ultrasound room where I could wait until the doctor came in.  The gal doing the initial sonogram first tried to pinpoint the exact location where they could get the most fluid.  She then went and got two additional jars to add to the one already in the room.  These jars were I would say quart size.  I looked at George and said, “looks like they plan on helping you lose a lot of weight right now.”  However, the doctor came in and after looking through the sonargram said that it looked like there were a lot of shadows in there which meant the fluid was going to be thick.  In the end he could barely get out 17 mm of fluid.  He doesn’t know if that is enough for pathology and cystology so we have to wait and see.  If they need more fluid then it will require surgery to get it.  Yuck.  Now we have to wait until next Friday for any results from todays procedure.

… and now for a little of my philosophy of life thoughts.

Some people have posed statements such as “you’ve been through so much”, “you don’t deserve this”.  They wonder if I am asking myself “Why me?” 

While I try not to dwell on such thoughts, they do cross my mind sometimes.  However, a dear friend once told me her story.  Her husband went suddenly blind one day.  She sat with her pastor and asked “Why me, Lord?  Why me?”  Her pastor looked at her and said, “Why not you?”

It would be so easy to give in to the “Woe is me” or “Why me” kingdom.  And it is not that I never do it (see prior day;s posting)… but I have learned it best to pause and figure out why such trials and tribulations are put in our paths. 

Certainly, the earliest tests were those of relationships.  Broken hearts.  Ah, to be young again.  In those moments of angst there is anger and disappointment.  After getting past those and into what would become marriage, although there is the occasional “what if” things had gone as I had wanted… in the end what I got was so much more.  Regrets?  Nah.

I’m not sure why it is easier for me than for others to have an innate sense of faith.   Knowing that God is with me even in times of uncertainty.  From an early age I was taught that God is Love.  Seems simple enough to me.  I have always been a positive person.  As I’ve grown older I have managed to find the rainbow, the hint of good in most any circumstance. 

As years went by that faith would be tested again and again.  There are some that I remember more than others.  The time that my newborn baby girl was in NICU and the doctors kept changing their story about when she could go home.  As I held her I knew instinctively that she was fine.  I challenged the hospital doctor to release her on religious ground (Christian Science) and was able to secure a compromise enabling me to take her home.

I felt it again when I made the decision to turn away from the religion I had grown up in order to feed and emptiness that I had in my soul.  He (God) knew what I needed and guided me toward new faith.

 There was a time when I had decided to leave a job.  It wasn’t that I loathed the job so much as it was the management of the company.  I loved the people I worked with but could no longer tolerate the way our division was being handled.  I remember driving to work on my last day listening to Twila Paris sing:

I am ready to be
All You've given me to be
Lord, I offer You my pride
Lay it down

Where I have been bound
Father come and set me free
I am ready now to be finally me

I am ready to be
All You've given me to be
Lord, I offer You my life
Lay it down

Where I have been bound
Father come and set me free
I am ready now to be finally, faithfully, willingly me

Tears were streaming down my face as I was taking a leap of faith by leaving the corporate world and jumping into unknown (sort of) territory working at the same place as my hubby, Mike, doing something I knew absolutely nothing about.  I felt God’s hand pushing me to grow.

Sometimes we choose to fight the hand of God. We feel the urge to fight or flight whatever is going on.  To acknowledge that something bigger than us is moving us toward decisions is not always easy.