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After a super crazy week of
sleepless nights and busy days - - and knowing that in a very short while my “me”
time will be anything but - - I took advantage of a free afternoon and booked a
massage…. A 90 minute massage (first time for one that long).
Since I have been working out, I
knew my shoulders and neck were in serious need of some kneading. Sixty minutes was not long enough to take
care of that. Felis was a very good
masseuse and spent considerable time trying to loosen up the upper back,
shoulders and neck. After finishing up with the massage, I headed straight for
the chiropractors’ office so she could do the “final adjustment” of my neck and
spine. AHhhhhhh, yes. I needed that as well. She noted that the
last time I was in was March 2015, so I was long overdue!
It felt good to pamper me. And I am making a vow to get a massage a
month as it is the best way to ensure that I get an hour or so of “me” time to
relax the mind and muscles some. I know
that recovery for George will take months.
Since he is going into this one with a lot less energy than the last
time, he is afraid of how long it will take him to bounce back.
I don’t know about other spouse
caregivers, but I find when I am in caregiving mode it is difficult to be “just
a wife”. When our spouse comes out of a
horrific surgery (and now George has had two – one for cancer and one for the
neck, so upcoming surgery is #3 in under two years), they are in a lot of pain,
on a lot of meds for a time, and so just trying to cuddle or snuggle as a
spouse is difficult because you have to be so careful how you touch them. And, since that is the only form of intimacy
that is viable for weeks or months after major surgery (aside from, perhaps,
hand holding), it is easy to lose sight of the “spouse” and stay in caregiving
mode. I know I had a very difficult time
trying to step out of caregiving mode after the neck surgery (especially since
I was caregiving for George AND for his mom).
I am wondering how other caregivers deal with this?
I remember when I helped my mom
care for my dad in his last weeks. By
the time I arrived to help, Dad had declined to the point that he was pretty
much bedridden. I helped change him
and/or get on the bedside commode. My
sister thought that pretty brave of me and commented that she could never do
that. I explained to her that when I had
to do that for my dad, it was as though a switch went off in my brain and I
ceased being a daughter in that moment and became a caregiver. When I was done changing him or whatever
personal care I had to do for him, I then switched off the caregiver and went
back to being a daughter. That brain
switch was easier when it was my dad. It
is harder as a spouse.
I know George hates that he has
to rely on me so much. He knows that I
will do most anything for him (and, indeed I have had to do a lot of things I
never thought I would have to do for him).
I know he longs to be whole again, to be “normal” again… but we have
what they call a “new normal”… it is unknown territory and it is very fluid,
always changing. We don’t know from one
day to the next if things will change yet again. I have always been pretty flexible – able to
change direction pretty easily and take things in stride no matter what happens
in life. Yes, there have been times I
totally struggled with that change, been angry or sad or resentful. The struggles are usually short-lived. I get over it, get past it and move on. “Life happens” - - and I try not to let the
bad times rule.
For at least the past month or
two I have had some moments of being “just a wife”. We have tried to create some special
moments. We thought we were going to
have another month or two of being able to do that. But, alas, that is not in the playbook just
yet. In a short 18 days as George heads
back for another major surgery, another MOAS surgery, I will kick back into
full time caregiving mode to ensure that George is well taken care of, to
advocate for him, to comfort him, to do whatever I can to make him as comfortable
as possible. How long it will last is
anyone’s guess.
So, yesterday was a treat to
myself. And, unlike the last time, I vow
that at least once a month I continue to do that. To stretch out on a table and have someone
knead the knots that have formed and push them out of my body so I can be
re-energized … or maybe it will be to step out and spend time with a friend or
two… but I know I have to “take care of me” sometimes, make time that is just
for me, in order for me to be the best caregiver (and wife) that I can be.
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