The “C” Word – Day 73 Getting things sorted out

I have struggled the past few days with my own emotions.  I feel as though they are all over the place but they keep ending up in the “down” position.  I have grown weary of trying to get things of nutritional value into George.  I know the canker sores hurt but I feel as though he still should try to get something besides popsicles and slurpees into his system because they won’t help him energy-wise.  I am tired of reminding him that he needs to move a little more.  I told him that he should be able to walk a full circle around the house.  He said “I think I can do it.”  My response, “Thinking and actually doing are two different things.  We can THINK we can do things all day long.” That applies to all thing things he needs to do – using the spirometer, eating healthy choices, walking, etc.  The only positive thing I saw today was that he and his mom walked around the patio for five or ten minutes.  Reminding and prodding throughout the day is exhausting especially when it just pisses George off.   Finally I just put my hands up in surrender and said “I give up!”  I told George that what happens next is up to him.  He knows what he needs to do.  I am not happy with “giving up”, in fact it made me miserable.  But I am it my wits end with the myriad of delays over the past few weeks.  Just as it looks we are moving forward there is another step backward.  It is like an endless roller coaster and all I want to do now is get off.

Last night as I was trying to sort out whatever it is that is bothering me.  It occurred to me that I miss my husband.  My husband has physically been here since early August but emotionally he has been totally absent.  From the two months where fear and anxiety enveloped his entire being to now being incapacitated by various traumas and complications it has been a daily struggle for me to try to keep upbeat, keep him focused, moving forward.  That, coupled with the lack of sleep for a few weeks has left me emotionally drained.  I am exhausted.

George is confused and scared by my 180 degree turn.  I just stopped “doing”.  I went back to work and when asked if I was looking forward to it, my response was “yes, at least there I feel like I am doing some good.”  At home, it does not feel like I am doing good.  At home it feels like I am spending my entire day watching George who is just sleeping, sitting, not talking.  It is lonely.  It has been lonely for a few months. 

My going back to work will force George to get up and do things for himself.  While it may be difficult, I know that he can at least get up and feed and water himself, get himself to the bathroom, etc.  Very basic stuff.  He does not need me to wait on him as much.  The only one that can motivate him at this point is him.  He needs to figure out how to make it all work.  It is time to “sink or swim” – and though I am fearful that he might sink first there is nothing else I can do.

I do not want to be a caregiver – a nurse… I want to be a wife.  And I don’t know how to get that back.  I am having a hard time finding some middle ground where I can exist peacefully. I want my husband back – the one that “sees hill, takes hill”, the one that likes to tinker in the garage, the one that enjoys sitting in the back yard watching the birds and the squirrels, the one that I can make laugh by my silliness.  Smiles are hard to come by.  Creativity has flown out the door.  I know I will not get these back anytime soon by sheer nature of this beast.  But I long for it – I crave it. 

I spoke with George about my concerns and feelings last night.  I am angry with myself for being frustrated and letting things get to me.  I had my pity party for a few hours last night.  I am tired of having weekly meltdowns.  That is just not in my nature as a rule. 

Today we see the oncologist for our first post-surgery follow up.  It is preceded by lab work so we will see how George is faring on his non-nutritional diet.  We will see if we can find out how to get relief from the mouth sores so he can eat again.  We will try to cross this hurdle and hope that it is the last big one we have to endure for a while.  Somehow we have to be able to find our new normal.  We aren’t there yet.  I pray it is just around the corner.