The “C” Word – Day 56 Dealing with it all

Today is supposed to be the last day in ICU.  It has also been a very emotional day for me.  I think that the stress of being in ICU and feeling somewhat helpless in the recovery process has taken its toll on me today.  It is also probably lack of sleep – even though the last couple of nights I have gotten about the same amount of sleep as I usually do.

I was able to get George eat maybe ¼ cup of broth for breakfast.  Took a half hour or so, but felt like something was accomplished.

After breakfast the PT came and got him to get out of bed and, with a walker, and into the chair in the room.  He sat there for about two hours.  During that time he passed gas (yes, that is a good sign) and then a short while later had a little accident (yes, the plumbing really does work).  The nurse and I got him cleaned up and back to bed – and he has barely moved for the rest of today.

Lunch arrived and after having him turn up his nose at lunch time (for broth yet again) I was feeling quite frustrated.  He basically told me to quit pestering him about it, he did not want it.  I got upset about that because he knows he should eat something but he just does not want to even try.  “Later” he says – but I know that later will never happen.  Not today anyway. 

I got upset and asked if he wanted me to leave.  It’s not like there is much for me to do while he sleeps the day away.  He doesn’t talk – he doesn’t even open his eyes much.  I guess the other thing that bothers me is that others might come into the room and he will respond more to them and even smile at them but I cannot get any type of response except “leave me alone” most of the time.  THAT is what bothers me the most.  Shouldn’t the smiles be reserved for your wife??

A short while after that the surgeon came in to see how things were going.  I voiced my concern that George won’t eat anything.  He replied that he did not expect him to.  He won’t starve, he says, as that takes about 17 days of no food to do and George should be ready to eat before that time.  So now I am wondering why they are bothering even trying to send food up if he is not only is he not going to eat it but the doctor doesn’t expect him to or care if he does. Why not just wait for him to ask for food? And why were the nurses telling me to force him to eat??  So then I feel guilty and angry at the same time.  Spent most of the rest of the day crying or close to it.  [Note: his diet has been changed to full liquid which means puddings, cream soups etc.  They brought up chicken noodle soup, strained and pureed but I am not about to touch that subject with a ten foot pole at this point. ]

So many emotions whirling around in my head.  Frustration, anger, guilt. Selfishness.  That’s probably the root of this. Things are not going according to the original plan (and I don’t mean that it was entirely my plan but my plan was based on what the surgeon told us) and my schedule is being thrown off course and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the changes.

We are supposed to be transferring to a bed on the next floor down.  The orders went in around 4PM.  Its 7PM now and now word.  We are waiting for a bed to open up and no one knows what time that will be.  Do they really discharge people this late in the day for one to open up tonight?  No idea. So sitting and sitting and sitting as we await something to happen.  So much sitting and too much time to think. 

I cannot wait to escape this floor. You have to ring a doorbell to get onto the floor and then you are at the whim of the “gate keeper” if you get in right away or not – and sometimes the gatekeeper is not there and you wait and ring the bell again and again hoping that someone will come let you in.  I am not drinking a lot of water right now because I don’t want to have to go out that door to use the restroom (there is none on the inside the ICU for family) only to return two minutes later to try to be let in again.  Such a hassle. 

Also, there will be at least a more comfortable place to curl up and take a nap when he is sleeping.  I do not sleep at all in a sitting position, I might rest, but sleep will usually elude me in a chair.  I did not inherit the “sleep anywhere” gene no matter how tired I am.  My parents can do that, my children can do that – but it skipped my genetic pool. 

The longer the wait for a bed goes on, the more I feel this will be a long night.  Moving, settling in.  George will probably pass out quickly but it will take me awhile to settle down.  This day cannot end soon enough.