The C Word – A New Battle Day 288 - Proactive versus Reactive

Proactive by definition:  adjective - (of a person, policy, or action) creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it has happened.

Reactive by definition:  adjective - acting in response to a situation rather than creating or controlling it.

I was thinking about these two words today and how they apply to me.  I am, by nature, more passive than aggressive (most of the time J ).  So as life happens “to” me, I respond to situations as best that I can.  After all, I cannot always control my environment.  We like to think we do, but we don’t.  

That suggests that I am, perhaps, always having to be reactive. 

These past four (or more likely 8) years have put that to the test more frequently.  Dealing with a mother-in-law with progressive memory loss and then a husband with not only a rare cancer but also a rare spinal disorder.  Coupled with the surgeries required to keep things at a manageable level for George, this has meant constantly juggling my needs, his needs, his mom’s needs and the needs of my job.

It’s not that we haven’t tried to be proactive – tried to get ahead of the curve.  We have done so to the best of our ability.  But every time we think we have pulled ahead, something else happens and our ability to be reactive happens once again.

I think this is God’s way of keeping us on our toes.  “Ha ha!  You think you are in control!  Ta dah!  No you are not!”

Now that I am “retired” again, one of my goals is to try to be proactive – at least in one sense.  Now that we know that Mom will not move home again, we can convert her apartment back into being a part of the whole house.  We had converted what was the master bedroom into her living/dining area which included kitchen cabinets and a sink.  Now I have decided that it is time to re-convert it back into a master bedroom which will enable George and me to move downstairs.  And to make it happen before it is critical for it to happen.  You know, proactive! 

Poor George has spent so much time living on the recliner in the living room, especially in the past 16 months.  Mostly after he broke his neck and had surgery – and then his second CRS surgery with recovery.  I think I calculated that he slept downstairs in the living room for somewhere in the range of 8 out of 12 months from December 2015 through November 2016 in his recliner.  By moving in to a downstairs room, the inability to climb the stairs won’t be an issue.

I also need to be more proactive where my own health is concerned.  Between work and George and whatever else was thrown my way in recent months, I put that on the back burner.  Now, since I’m not working, I hope to take more charge of my health.  Try to get out and exercise more – and now that I have daytime hours available I think I can do this.  I also need to stop eating like George’s diet (low fiber, high carb) and do more to ensure that I get healthy again.  I’ve put on ten pounds this past year from all the stressors in life and my inability to get myself back on track.  Time to be proactive…. Because I need to be healthy as life will continue to throw more curveballs at me to throw me off balance.  I need to be ready to take on the challenges. 

Lastly, I also figured that it was time to investigate palliative care for us.  Since we are in continual “watch and wait” mode with this cancer, there is nothing in the way of cancer treatments.  There are, however, things we can do to lessen some of the low lying symptoms that this cancer brings to the table. 

“The World Health Organization of palliative care is “Palliative care is an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing the problem associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering by means of early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual. Palliative care:

·         provides relief from pain and other distressing symptoms;

·         affirms life and regards dying as a normal process;

·         intends neither to hasten or postpone death;

·         integrates the psychological and spiritual aspects of patient care;

·         offers a support system to help patients live as actively as possible until death;

·         offers a support system to help the family cope during the patients illness and in their own bereavement;

·         uses a team approach to address the needs of patients and their families, including bereavement counselling, if indicated;

·         will enhance quality of life, and may also positively influence the course of illness;

·         is applicable early in the course of illness, in conjunction with other therapies that are intended to prolong life, such as chemotherapy or radiation therapy, and includes those investigations needed to better understand and manage distressing clinical complications.”

Proactive – stay ahead of the things we can – be informed of what our options will be as the cancer progresses.  Be ready for those times we need to react to symptoms. 

Seeking palliative care can be uncomfortable.  We like to think that we are doing well and fully capable of making decisions.  Most of the time I’m sure we are.  It is, however, nice to have added team members who can help us maneuver this uncharted territory because, to them it is not uncharted.  They are familiar with dealing with various aspects how cancer affects people.  It’s a comfort to know they are a phone call away now that we have initially reached out. 

Are we ready to use them?  Maybe not this minute.  We don’t know exactly when.  We are sitting on a fence, waiting for it to collapse.  We could change our minds.  We now know what is available at least.  That’s as proactive as we can be right now…  Until it is time to be reactive.

The C Word – A New Battle Day 278 - The Beginning of the End

This week I wind down my “career” at the Blind Center.  When I started there four years ago, I was at a place in my life where I needed diversion.  My mom had dies months earlier which threw me into a mental downspin.  My husband was working full time. And, though I had not held a job in more than a half dozen years (by choice), I found that I had too much time on my hands.  I started as a volunteer, working two half days for a few months.  That morphed into 1 ½ days and then, voila!  It morphed into a nearly full time job (30 hours a week) even though the prior staff did a forty hour a week work load.

Over the course of the four years there I also was a part-time caregiver for George’s mom.  What is it they say – if you want something to get done, find someone who is already busy!  As the years progressed there were times when taking care of mom required almost as many hours as my job at the center.  But work was my place where I got as much or more than I felt I gave.

And then, nearly 3 years ago we got the news of George’s cancer.  But, again, work was a place I could go to and put some distance between me and the cancer.  As long as I kept busy, my brain did not have time to think about the realities.  As it was, there was still plenty of time for that.

However, then I found not only was I working 30 hours but I was caring for mom AND for George.  Over time we did find some part time help for mom so I could have a little breathing room.  Our morning caregiver, Olive, was a godsend.  We could count on her day after day, week after week, month after month.  We had a harder time retaining an evening caregiver.  There were times I left work, picked up Mom from daycare, brought her home, fed her, then went and fixed dinner for George and myself, and then back to Mom’s until her bedtime (fortunately she liked to go to be early enough!).  For short periods of time, that was acceptable. 

But then, George broke his neck… and then his belly started causing problems.  So we found a place for Mom to live so I could be available for him.  And then came surgery number two where I literally lived at the hospital for three weeks – and then needed to stay home for another few weeks because of the level of care.  I reduced my hours to twenty a week.  This meant I was doing a 40 hour a week job, first in 30 hours a week and now in 20 hours a week.  No pressure there!  However, I’d learned how to make the data entry easier and quicker so, though at times I was very busy, I could manage. 

This second surgery showed us just how quickly things can change with cancer and it wasn’t long before I was considering how or when to leave my job.  I do believe that God speaks to us… and I think he began long before I was aware of it.  Already putting things in place.  God of Grace… He knows what we will need before we do. 

By the end of our Christmas break, I began getting “nudges” from God.  “It’s time.”  When I drove to work on January 3^rd, I felt like a parent who went to work and left their child at daycare for the first time.  I cried.  Leaving George home was hard that day.  I know, it sounds silly, but I just felt “off”. 

As the weeks progressed I found myself thinking about it more and more.  We did hire a receptionist type person who knows how to work with computer data entry.  Was I really thinking I was training my replacement?  After all, much of the work she was doing to help me in my job was the EXACT same things I’d been doing when I volunteered!  How ironic is that?  Was this God putting somebody where they needed to be - - for ME?? 

By the end of February I concluded that it was time to leave – and then the final nudge with the exact date.

Now, here it is.  The beginning of the end.  Down to the final few days.  I’ve been training someone to do my computer data entry and reporting workload for about 6 weeks.  I’ve told the clients I am leaving – at least leaving my paid post as staff.  At this point I fully intend to stay on as a volunteer as I can.

But in a mere few days I will be saying goodbye to a job that has been my refuge.  I will be leaving staff who have become like family to me.  We have been a SUPER team together. 

And I am stepping off into the next part of this journey.  I will have opportunities (God willing) to make new memories with George while I can.  I will also be able to respond to his needs without having to think about whether or not I can get work done, without having to worry about having to wake up and work after spending the night in the emergency room.  Freeing.

I have some grandiose plans in place so I have no fear about being bored.  I have three separate fundraisers planned – all requiring time but which can be done no matter where I am.  I have a couple of projects at home that I haven’t been able to get to as well. 

So, here I go – ending one chapter of my life, beginning another.  Life cycles.  That’s how life is.  I’m ready…. Ready…. Set…. Go!

The C Word – A New Battle Day 271 - Turn off the Tunes!

I go through phases throughout this journey where I have sleepless times, fitful sleep.  I may fall asleep quickly at first.  But, nearly every night I awaken to use the bathroom at some point.  Somewhere between 2 and 4AM this will happen. On good nights, I can fall right back to sleep.  Other nights, sleep eludes me.  Sometimes I will try to fall back to sleep, other nights I will give up and maybe pull out my Kindle for an hour or two until I get tired again.  Once in a while I go downstairs and watch TV.  Anything to kill time while I hope to fall asleep at some point for just a bit longer.

Last night was one of those nights. I crept back to bed after using the bathroom.  Then, “it” happened.  I got a tune stuck in my head that just would not stop.  I confess that I listen to Praise and Worship music quite a bit.  It’s background music softly playing.  I admit that I also am not very good about learning words to music.  Even ones I listen to a hundred million times.  I know phrases, maybe refrains, but mostly just bits and pieces.  And last night this one small bit kept drumming in my brain over and over and over again. I didn’t know the name of the song, I only know part of the tune from memory.  It was driving me bonkers.  I tried to think of other things or ‘hum’ something else.  But this tune kept coming back to haunt me.  Just this one part, one phrase and, upon looking it up when I awoke this morning, I didn’t even have the phrase correct.  But it matched the tune so what the heck! 

Anyway, because this small piece of music insisted on making itself known all morning long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep.  I may have dozed off, I may have fallen asleep and not known it.  But every time I came to consciousness, the same thing kept happening… over and over and over.

I looked up the song by googling the partial phrase I thought was part of the song.  Luckily Google is good at picking up on inaccuracies!  The song was “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns.  As I read the lyrics, I couldn’t help but think that once again God is sending me messages.  Here are the words:

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because…

So here I am, on this Easter Sunday, with God “screaming” at me all night long!  The only part of the melody my feeble tired brain even knew all night was “You (I) are (am) a flower quickly fading” and something about blowing in the wind.  (See how bad I am at knowing words!) 

God is telling you and me that He is there to catch us, to watch over us.  He hears us when we call no matter how loud the outer forces of our lives are.  He must know that I need this reminder.  I didn’t know I needed it. 

And it is appropriate for this Easter Day when we are reminded what Jesus did on the cross for us. 

I am grateful that we were able to go to church today and worship with others, receiving Holy Communion as a congregation.  It was made even more special because my brother and sister in law (Edd & Ingrid) joined us for this celebration service.  We have a little more time to spend with them, one more day, until they head back to Thailand. 

Thankfully, there were some great hymns at church today so I think Casting Crowns will be quiet for a bit.  I hope so!  Because I could use some good sleep! 

The C Word – A New Battle Day 269 - Rainy Times

It is just after 2AM on a very rainy morning.  As I listen to the rain beating down on the concrete patio and on the rooftop, I imagine how wonderful it would be if this were the middle of the day and the temperature was a bit balmy so I could sit outside and just let it rain and wash all over me.  Wash aware the worry, wash away the cares – and allow me to just “be” in the moment of the rainy day. 

These past few weeks leave me with so many wandering thoughts.

I think of George’s mom.  She appears to be on a steadier decline.  Her brain is often not translating properly.  She talks in her sleep a lot, even shouting and beating on walls at times.  She doesn’t talk a lot during the day – only answering when asked questions or when talk is stimulated.  The caregivers are not always sure if she is awake or asleep at night.  When she lived here I sometimes would crack the door open and just watch her.  In sleep she is very animated, her hands gesturing as she “talks” to people in her dreams.  Lately she appears to be talking to John a lot.  John is her son that died in 2009.  We think it is a sign of her beginning to communicate with those who have crossed over to heaven as she prepares to meet them there.   When she was put on hospice they estimated three months of life left.  Although she is approaching that timeline soon, she may go a tad bit longer. 

Then, there is George.  He experiences discomfort fairly frequently.  A trip to the ER a few weeks back indicated that nothing “acute” is going on.  At least at that point in time.  He has had better days this week, even doing some yard work yesterday.  He worries a lot, too.  He worries about me, about his kids, about his sister.  And, yes, about himself too.  But more about the affect this disease is having on everyone else.  There are times when I feel restless in bed and want to get up early in the morning to sit quietly in the living room and busy myself with unimportant task (i.e. read mail or facebook or play games on my iPod).  However, I know that he sometimes senses when I am not in bed, so I lay quietly so he gets the sleep he needs.  I know by his breathing when he is slumbering pretty well.  This morning I carefully crept out of bed – and eventually will quietly sneak back to bed. 

Finally, there is work.  I’ve been training my replacement for about six weeks now.  She is doing well and should be able to come up to speed in relatively short order.  Yesterday I informed the clients about my departure which will be two weeks from today.  Tears shed – them and me.  It was hard for me to tell them.  They’ve been so supportive.  But my departure is made more difficult because one of my co-workers is going through a tough period right now.  I don’t know any details because she’s shut down where communication is concerned.  Her not being there is hard on all of us.  Her not telling us what is going on makes us resentful.  We don’t understand.  I’m awake right now because I am worried about her.  Just as she had a “dream” that I’d left work on the same day I was making that decision, I can’t help but wonder if she is struggling right now in this moment.  I pray for her that she knows she doesn’t have to be alone in her time of need.

Random thought:  As I turned on my computer this morning I stared at my screen shot.  It is a photograph of my daughters, sister in law and myself as we displayed our teddy bears back in February.  My daughters have such beautiful smiles.  (Two of them were paid for, LOL, and the third has got a naturally good smile!)  I am so thankful for them.  Their smiles brighten my day. 

Tonight my brain goes round and round.  Hopefully my writing about it will help me process everything and I can go back to sleep soon.  In a few short weeks that will pass quickly by, I start the next phase of this journey.  Without work beckoning me I can concentrate on George more.  I do realize that I need to balance that with other things in life.  I need to figure out a way to get regular exercise in.  I do have some craft projects to work on.  And I am planning a fundraising endeavor which will require some amount of planning which will keep me busy for a few months.  I am hoping the George and I can get away now and then to do things we haven’t had time or energy for these past few years.  All of these have some flexibility built in so I can do them as time permits.  I’ll be on George’s schedule now (for the most part).  For a time we will both be retired, doing what we want or what we can do together.  We will likely drive each other crazy at times!  That’s what “old married folk” do!

Alas, I am settled down some and will make my way back to sweet slumber.  Rambling writing helps me work through issues.  I am thankful I inherited the writing genes of both my parents.  Whoever is out there in the universe reading this, thank you for putting up with me! HAHA!  I wonder if I put you to sleep, too!

As I prepare to go back to bed now that I have allowed my feelings to be released, I notice that the rain has also stopped for the time being.  Coincidence??  Did I just experience a virtual rain?  A cleansing without getting wet sort of rain?  Hmm??  As quoted in the old TV sitcom, Hogan’s Heroes, “Verrrrrrry Interesting!”

The C Word – A New Battle Day 255 - A Tough Week

Never take moments for granted.  That has to be the mantra for anyone with cancer.  Some days are good and you feel hopeful.  The next day could be bad and you lose sight of hope.

We have had one of those weeks.  After a pretty good overall week last week where George got some things accomplished.  He tinkered in the garage some, always a good source of enjoyment for him.  He did a few things outside. 

On Monday things had gone pretty well.  We went for an evening stroll.  Shortley after that he was experiencing pain.  I should preface this with the fact that one of the things he had done earlier in the day was putting a couple of large planters back into the wooden stands he’d built for them.  Considering that he won’t carry the laundry basket, this did require some concerted effort on his part.

At bedtime he took a strong pain medication to see if it would help.  While he did fall asleep pretty quickly, within a couple of hours he woke up still experiencing pain.  The decision was made to take a trip to the ER to see if we could either figure out what the cause was or to at least rule out “bad” stuff.

We were there quite a long time considering most of our trips.  It took a while for the CT scan to get ordered up.  All the bloodwork came back fine. The pain medication took a long time for them to get to us.  We had arrived in the ER at about 11:45PM and it was close to 2:00AM before they finally gave it!  The CT scan showed nothing acute or significant.  They compared it to the Sept. 2016 scan rather than the one just a few weeks ago. 

At 3:30AM we headed for home where George quickly fell asleep until nearly 10:00AM.  I, on the other hand, took over an hour to wind down, falling asleep at 5AM only to get up at 7AM and head to work.  Fortunately, I only work four hours a day!  (In a few weeks, I won’t have to worry about that anyore.)

We figured that, perhaps, George maybe pulled or strained a muscle from lifting the planter box.  The pain originally was in the groin and radiated towards the back.  By the next day it was mainly in the lower back.  He took pain meds on Tuesday and then converted to Advil which he has been taking pretty consistently since then.  It has helped some, but it has not gone away completely.

He is frustrated.  He is tired of being tired.  Between his back, belly and tailbone he experiences discomforts nearly all of the time.  He is growing bored sitting at home yet he isn’t feeling well enough or strong enough to get out and about too much.  Even yesterday when we went to the grocery store I could tell he wasn’t feeling well.  Normally he likes to walk up and down the aisles looking at things (and putting extra things in the cart), but he wanted only to go exactly to the aisles for the half dozen things on my grocery list.  Today at Costco it was the same.  That’s just not like him at all, so I know he is not feeling great. 

Last night I brought up the fact that maybe it is time to look into palliative care.  Palliative care may be able to help alleviate some of his discomfort so that he feels like moving about again.  Maybe they have something that can take the edge off the pain but doesn’t make him tired.  Unfortunately, our oncologist at Stanford Cancer Center has just this past week moved and we have to see someone new.  We put in a call today to get an appointment with a new oncologist that we can meet and he can refer us to their palliative care department.  George is not exactly thrilled about having to bring another oncologist up to speed on his cancer.  Maybe we’ll be lucky and the new doc will have some basic knowledge. 

It is hard to watch him going through this.  I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do.  At least not in the way of physical comfort.  I can only be there for him for emotional support.  I still wish this was more I could do for him. 

In a few weeks I do hope to do something BIG to help bring more awareness to PMP.  I am actually a little bit excited to be able to do this.  I can’t go into details because George and I are the only ones who know so far.  For my faithful followers, stay tuned!

The C Word – A New Battle Day 243 - Scan Update

On Thursday we saw Dr. B to go over the scan done on the 10^th.  The days leading up to getting the results are usually a little bit anxious.  The “unknown” can be scary. 

The scan showed that the known tumors are still growing a little bit.  Unlike the last scans, this one actually stated that there appeared to be low density areas around the bowels (which is likely mucin growth).  For the most part it showed what one would normally expect to see with this type of cancer.

George was relieved the scan did not show growth anywhere else.  It is unusual for the cancer to show up elsewhere, but it can happen.  To know that it is still “self-contained” in the abdomen is good news (not the cancer is good news). 

We know a CT scan does not show reality, there may be more than meets the eye.  Unfortunately, there is not true scan or test that is available to determine a true picture of this disease and how it is progressing or not.

Unless something comes up sooner, we are still on wait and watch and will schedule another scan in six months’ time.  Praying that nothing comes up between now and then.

This week George also met the gynecology oncologist that performed the HIPEC (chemo) part of his first surgery.  We have never formally met him as George was under anesthesia by the time he entered the operating room back in 2014.  George is volunteering with the PMP Pals’ group doing their quarterly newsletter and had approached Dr. L to get an interview for one of the upcoming issues.  Dr. Lilja used to be in a punk rock band and then decided to get into medicine.  He and Dr. B were acquainted when they were at a symposium back in 2005 with Dr. Sugarbaker and learned about HIPEC.  That’s where our “dream team” began to formulate!

That’s all the news for now.  Kind of nice not to have bad news or sad news for a change.   

The C Word – A New Battle Day 239 - Mother God

We recently saw the movie, “The Shack”.  It was an excellent movie.  In it, Octavia Spencer plays the part of God.  It took a bit to get used to that portrayal, since we usually view God as a male persona.

When we think of women in general, what are their qualities?  Warm, caring, nurturing.  We see arms outstretched for a hug.  They prepare food for their loved ones.  They listen to our fears and gently hold us when we aren’t feeling well, are feeling unsecure.  Their arms make us feel safe (in a different way than a man’s embrace).  Mother God tells the main character, Mac, that she came to him in a female “body” because that’s what he needed.  He was struggling with some difficult memories in his life and if God had come to him as a man, he would have rejected him or been wary of him.  A Mother God was what he needed at that time.  (Later in the movie, for a brief time, God came as a man.)

This morning, very early in the morning, I lay in bed and as often happens these days my mind started spinning.  I am finding it harder and harder in those “still, quiet hours” of the morning to find a lot of peace.  While I am grateful to hear his quiet snoring which lets me know he’s still alive, I know I am losing him more each day.  The strong and confident man he was before is slowly losing its’ grip.  He yearns to be able to do more – to tinker in the garage, to build something… anything, to contribute his skills in some way, shape or form.  All he can muster up some days is an hour here or there and then he’s done.  That frustrates him.  For me, I am sad.  I cannot imagine not being able to do the things I love day in and day out.  I weep inside – and sometimes those tears leak out now as well.

As I started my pondering this morning, I prayed to God to just hold me, hold us.  That led me to thinking about the Mother God persona which then led to a prayer I’d learned and sung many times over as a young child.  A prayer which actually referred to God as Father and Mother.  A prayer I’d forgotten until now. 

Father – Mother – God
Loving Me
Guard me when I sleep.
Guide my little feet
up to Thee.

Author:  Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science (which many people know is the religion I was raised in)

This caregiving journey is not always easy.  It’s a difficult, bumpy road.  There’ve been the times when I have stepped in as a nurse.  Learning to do things a wife should never have to do – but will do when it means better care for her husband.  It is a way of actively caring for someone.  When it brings relief, both parties feel better.

It is harder to deal with the emotional part of caregiving.  I find myself wondering if it is time to go back to counseling to help me through this next phase of our journey.  When I see George hold his belly with a look of discomfort on his face, I know he is concerned for what is growing inside.  Tomorrow we will find out what, if anything, the CT scan he had done last week shows.  We know that it never gives a true picture of the extent of the disease.  If it shows more tumor growth, do we multiply that times 5 or 10 for the mucin that it doesn’t show?  And then what?  Dr. B has pretty much said that he didn’t really care one way or the other if George had a CT scan as we go forward.  Further surgeries may or may not happen.  It all depends on the circumstances. 

To the outside world George is looking good.  For the outside world he hides the discomfort, plays down the fears.  For the insiders, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see what he is really, physically feeling.  And, for only a few, does he share his fears and, even then, I’m not sure he shows them everything. Not even to me sometimes.

Husband and wife - - patient and caregiver.  It’s a tricky road to be on.  Neither one of us wants to worry the other one (more than they already are) so are careful with the words we say.  Yet there is so much more to say.  Becke recently shared an article about this woman that wanted to get her first tattoo.  She shared that her husband had only been given a certain length of time due to cancer. She asked for input as to what that tattoo should be.   The tattoo she chose was simply, “more”. More time to spend with him, more words to share with him, more experiences, more of everything.  That’s what we all want.   More, just more.

Over the next few weeks I will be relinquishing my job duties at work.  So often people say to me “but you love your job”.  Interestingly, last year at this time I was doing 30 days of thankfulness and yesterdays “on this day a year ago” happened to be “I am thankful for my job – as it gives me respite from what is going on at home….”  It is true, I have loved my job.  I love my husband more.  He needs me now.  My physical presence gives him solace, comfort and strength.  I have been finding it difficult to spend a lot of time away from him.  I chose to go back to work four years ago – and now I choose to retire (again).  I can give George more of my time.

I know that it will be an adjustment for me to not have anywhere to go or anything to do.  I will need to work at creating a balance so that I still find some alone time or time to do things on my own.  Right now I feel guilty if I have any added events away from him because he already spends all day alone.  Perhaps the guilt will be far less when I am spending the majority of time with him, thus spending an hour or two or three away from him now and then won’t make me feel that way. 

It is scary going through this cancer journey.  Every day there seems to be some fear.  For both of us.  Will it be an okay day?  Will it be an uncomfortable day?  Is there something we could or should have done differently to make it better?  What will tomorrow bring?

So, this morning it is I who look to God as Mother.  Since my earthly mother is not here to hold me, cradle me, comfort me and tell me how much she loves me, I will visualize Mother God in her place.  Mother God, I will take all the holding you can give me right now – to carry me through this place and this time.  Amen.