The C Word – A New Battle Day 239 - Mother God

We recently saw the movie, “The Shack”.  It was an excellent movie.  In it, Octavia Spencer plays the part of God.  It took a bit to get used to that portrayal, since we usually view God as a male persona.

When we think of women in general, what are their qualities?  Warm, caring, nurturing.  We see arms outstretched for a hug.  They prepare food for their loved ones.  They listen to our fears and gently hold us when we aren’t feeling well, are feeling unsecure.  Their arms make us feel safe (in a different way than a man’s embrace).  Mother God tells the main character, Mac, that she came to him in a female “body” because that’s what he needed.  He was struggling with some difficult memories in his life and if God had come to him as a man, he would have rejected him or been wary of him.  A Mother God was what he needed at that time.  (Later in the movie, for a brief time, God came as a man.)

This morning, very early in the morning, I lay in bed and as often happens these days my mind started spinning.  I am finding it harder and harder in those “still, quiet hours” of the morning to find a lot of peace.  While I am grateful to hear his quiet snoring which lets me know he’s still alive, I know I am losing him more each day.  The strong and confident man he was before is slowly losing its’ grip.  He yearns to be able to do more – to tinker in the garage, to build something… anything, to contribute his skills in some way, shape or form.  All he can muster up some days is an hour here or there and then he’s done.  That frustrates him.  For me, I am sad.  I cannot imagine not being able to do the things I love day in and day out.  I weep inside – and sometimes those tears leak out now as well.

As I started my pondering this morning, I prayed to God to just hold me, hold us.  That led me to thinking about the Mother God persona which then led to a prayer I’d learned and sung many times over as a young child.  A prayer which actually referred to God as Father and Mother.  A prayer I’d forgotten until now. 

Father – Mother – God
Loving Me
Guard me when I sleep.
Guide my little feet
up to Thee.

Author:  Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science (which many people know is the religion I was raised in)

This caregiving journey is not always easy.  It’s a difficult, bumpy road.  There’ve been the times when I have stepped in as a nurse.  Learning to do things a wife should never have to do – but will do when it means better care for her husband.  It is a way of actively caring for someone.  When it brings relief, both parties feel better.

It is harder to deal with the emotional part of caregiving.  I find myself wondering if it is time to go back to counseling to help me through this next phase of our journey.  When I see George hold his belly with a look of discomfort on his face, I know he is concerned for what is growing inside.  Tomorrow we will find out what, if anything, the CT scan he had done last week shows.  We know that it never gives a true picture of the extent of the disease.  If it shows more tumor growth, do we multiply that times 5 or 10 for the mucin that it doesn’t show?  And then what?  Dr. B has pretty much said that he didn’t really care one way or the other if George had a CT scan as we go forward.  Further surgeries may or may not happen.  It all depends on the circumstances. 

To the outside world George is looking good.  For the outside world he hides the discomfort, plays down the fears.  For the insiders, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see what he is really, physically feeling.  And, for only a few, does he share his fears and, even then, I’m not sure he shows them everything. Not even to me sometimes.

Husband and wife - - patient and caregiver.  It’s a tricky road to be on.  Neither one of us wants to worry the other one (more than they already are) so are careful with the words we say.  Yet there is so much more to say.  Becke recently shared an article about this woman that wanted to get her first tattoo.  She shared that her husband had only been given a certain length of time due to cancer. She asked for input as to what that tattoo should be.   The tattoo she chose was simply, “more”. More time to spend with him, more words to share with him, more experiences, more of everything.  That’s what we all want.   More, just more.

Over the next few weeks I will be relinquishing my job duties at work.  So often people say to me “but you love your job”.  Interestingly, last year at this time I was doing 30 days of thankfulness and yesterdays “on this day a year ago” happened to be “I am thankful for my job – as it gives me respite from what is going on at home….”  It is true, I have loved my job.  I love my husband more.  He needs me now.  My physical presence gives him solace, comfort and strength.  I have been finding it difficult to spend a lot of time away from him.  I chose to go back to work four years ago – and now I choose to retire (again).  I can give George more of my time.

I know that it will be an adjustment for me to not have anywhere to go or anything to do.  I will need to work at creating a balance so that I still find some alone time or time to do things on my own.  Right now I feel guilty if I have any added events away from him because he already spends all day alone.  Perhaps the guilt will be far less when I am spending the majority of time with him, thus spending an hour or two or three away from him now and then won’t make me feel that way. 

It is scary going through this cancer journey.  Every day there seems to be some fear.  For both of us.  Will it be an okay day?  Will it be an uncomfortable day?  Is there something we could or should have done differently to make it better?  What will tomorrow bring?

So, this morning it is I who look to God as Mother.  Since my earthly mother is not here to hold me, cradle me, comfort me and tell me how much she loves me, I will visualize Mother God in her place.  Mother God, I will take all the holding you can give me right now – to carry me through this place and this time.  Amen.