The C Word – A New Battle Day 269 - Rainy Times

It is just after 2AM on a very rainy morning.  As I listen to the rain beating down on the concrete patio and on the rooftop, I imagine how wonderful it would be if this were the middle of the day and the temperature was a bit balmy so I could sit outside and just let it rain and wash all over me.  Wash aware the worry, wash away the cares – and allow me to just “be” in the moment of the rainy day. 

These past few weeks leave me with so many wandering thoughts.

I think of George’s mom.  She appears to be on a steadier decline.  Her brain is often not translating properly.  She talks in her sleep a lot, even shouting and beating on walls at times.  She doesn’t talk a lot during the day – only answering when asked questions or when talk is stimulated.  The caregivers are not always sure if she is awake or asleep at night.  When she lived here I sometimes would crack the door open and just watch her.  In sleep she is very animated, her hands gesturing as she “talks” to people in her dreams.  Lately she appears to be talking to John a lot.  John is her son that died in 2009.  We think it is a sign of her beginning to communicate with those who have crossed over to heaven as she prepares to meet them there.   When she was put on hospice they estimated three months of life left.  Although she is approaching that timeline soon, she may go a tad bit longer. 

Then, there is George.  He experiences discomfort fairly frequently.  A trip to the ER a few weeks back indicated that nothing “acute” is going on.  At least at that point in time.  He has had better days this week, even doing some yard work yesterday.  He worries a lot, too.  He worries about me, about his kids, about his sister.  And, yes, about himself too.  But more about the affect this disease is having on everyone else.  There are times when I feel restless in bed and want to get up early in the morning to sit quietly in the living room and busy myself with unimportant task (i.e. read mail or facebook or play games on my iPod).  However, I know that he sometimes senses when I am not in bed, so I lay quietly so he gets the sleep he needs.  I know by his breathing when he is slumbering pretty well.  This morning I carefully crept out of bed – and eventually will quietly sneak back to bed. 

Finally, there is work.  I’ve been training my replacement for about six weeks now.  She is doing well and should be able to come up to speed in relatively short order.  Yesterday I informed the clients about my departure which will be two weeks from today.  Tears shed – them and me.  It was hard for me to tell them.  They’ve been so supportive.  But my departure is made more difficult because one of my co-workers is going through a tough period right now.  I don’t know any details because she’s shut down where communication is concerned.  Her not being there is hard on all of us.  Her not telling us what is going on makes us resentful.  We don’t understand.  I’m awake right now because I am worried about her.  Just as she had a “dream” that I’d left work on the same day I was making that decision, I can’t help but wonder if she is struggling right now in this moment.  I pray for her that she knows she doesn’t have to be alone in her time of need.

Random thought:  As I turned on my computer this morning I stared at my screen shot.  It is a photograph of my daughters, sister in law and myself as we displayed our teddy bears back in February.  My daughters have such beautiful smiles.  (Two of them were paid for, LOL, and the third has got a naturally good smile!)  I am so thankful for them.  Their smiles brighten my day. 

Tonight my brain goes round and round.  Hopefully my writing about it will help me process everything and I can go back to sleep soon.  In a few short weeks that will pass quickly by, I start the next phase of this journey.  Without work beckoning me I can concentrate on George more.  I do realize that I need to balance that with other things in life.  I need to figure out a way to get regular exercise in.  I do have some craft projects to work on.  And I am planning a fundraising endeavor which will require some amount of planning which will keep me busy for a few months.  I am hoping the George and I can get away now and then to do things we haven’t had time or energy for these past few years.  All of these have some flexibility built in so I can do them as time permits.  I’ll be on George’s schedule now (for the most part).  For a time we will both be retired, doing what we want or what we can do together.  We will likely drive each other crazy at times!  That’s what “old married folk” do!

Alas, I am settled down some and will make my way back to sweet slumber.  Rambling writing helps me work through issues.  I am thankful I inherited the writing genes of both my parents.  Whoever is out there in the universe reading this, thank you for putting up with me! HAHA!  I wonder if I put you to sleep, too!

As I prepare to go back to bed now that I have allowed my feelings to be released, I notice that the rain has also stopped for the time being.  Coincidence??  Did I just experience a virtual rain?  A cleansing without getting wet sort of rain?  Hmm??  As quoted in the old TV sitcom, Hogan’s Heroes, “Verrrrrrry Interesting!”