The C Word – A New Battle Day 3.5 - Horrible Night

Long, long night.  It actually started while I was preparing my blog journal for the day.  Constant up and down for adjustments, etc.  This process went on just about all night long. 

Hot or cold meant blanket up or down.  Back hurt, head up, head down, pillow underneath back  - no take it out.  Ice chips. Barf bucket. Call the nurse.  Make adjustments.  Sit in bed – sit in chair – no back to bed.  Constant, constant demands to try to make him comfortable.

At midnite I finally told him he needed to call and use just the nursing staff as I was exhausted and my meds were kicking in and making me loopy.  I had to lie down for a short bit. 

Got in a snooze for about 1 ½ hours after the gave George some anti-nausea meds AND a sleep aid.  I believe he slept for about an hour.  Then, the nausea woke him up and therefore I was also up. 

I got a little snippy.  Seemed like every time I climbed back into bed I had to get up again.  If I just sat and waited for something to happen, it didn’t.  At one point I actually sat in the chair next to his bed with a pillow resting against the bed. I think it was 2:30 - he fell asleep for about an hour to hour and a half.  He will say he did not sleep because he threw up and then the nurse came in.  I told him I was sleeping right next to him and that could not possibly have happened.  He argued with me!?  Really?

Up at 4:30 and back in a chair.  Dry heaves.  Cold.  Just not feeling well.  Might as well do the morning weigh in.  Down 3 pounds so he is losing some of the extra fluids though his hands are still swollen.

6AM – Back to bed.  He appears to be sleeping at least for now.  I think I will try as well.

Horrible horrible night after a fairly decent day.  

The C Word – A New Battle Day 3 - Baby step progress

Slept pretty good last night - - at least I did.  I turned lights out early (for this place) in order to try to get some good zz’s.  George woke up at 4AM to go to the bathroom so I called the nurse/CNA in for assistance and right away said, “While we’ve got him up, let’s get him weighed so we don’t have to worry about that later.”  “Good idea!”, she said!!  He has lost only a pound.  He is in the range of where he was before this whole obstruction occurred – but is about 18 pounds up from where he was on Wednesday morning. 

Went back to sleep and made it until 7 when he had to go again… I guess that’s progress because it is more than yesterday.  So it is good that he is expelling some extra fluids. 

It think it was around 8:30 when we got him up to sit in a chair by his bed.  Shortly after that, PT Nina came in and they were able to walk half way down the long hallway and back.  She was pleased with that.  He sat up for a short while longer and then crashed for a few hours.  Since he seemed particularly grumpy this morning, I was glad he was getting some sleep. 

One of the discussions with the morning nurse this morning was the fact that he needs to walk but because he gets dizzy he has difficulty even attempting to do so.  She told us that while it could be the dilaudid, it might also be because some of his blood counts were low today. We thought Dr. B was on call today and we could ask him when he came in, but it was another doctor on call today.  She said if we wanted to contact Dr. B that we could do so, but as a nurse on staff, she could not since he was not the on-call doctor.  So I text messaged Dr. B and told him the circumstance and gave him the low counts, etc.  He responded with a couple of questions and I sent him pictures and answers.  He said he would order up a few things to see if they would help.  One thing was extra IV fluids.  Also some X-rays. 

This afternoon they came to get him for X-rays.  Let me tell you, that was a huge feat!  His TPN line is very short and cannot be too far from the bed or it will yank out, as well as his central lines.  So he had a tight grip on those so they wouldn’t pull out during the ride.  Trying to get “Chromium Chrissy” and the bed out the door was very difficult.  Then we tried an elevator that was too narrow and had to back out of it and try another one wide enough for the bed and the pole.  Then, we got down to the X-ray room and had to maneuver into it.  They had to use two different machines and techniques to get the pictures they needed! 

Shortly coming back upstairs, PT Nina arrived and George actually was feeling pretty good and made a trip ALL the way to the other end of the hallway and back and sat in a chair for a short while afterward.  That is progress.  I think the extra fluids are helping!  Hurrah!  He actually looks and feels better and hasn’t been continually pushing the dilaudid button. 

For the first time in a long time, George feels hunger.  Unfortunately, he is restricted to 750ml of fluids a day (broth, jello, popsicle, tea, juice) for now. They bring up about ½ cup of broth for a “meal”.  But the fact he feels hunger is something to behold!!  He drank his broth and settled in for a nap until Dr. Bastidas arrives to see how things are going.

This evening George tried to watch a little TV (first time all week) but nothing really on.  So I offered to pull out his iPad so he could entertain himself.  He tried to do so from sitting in the bed with the tray in front of him but soon decided to sit in his chair for a bit.  So he’s been sitting up for a while. 

Dr. Bastidas came in to let us know how the tests looked and to see how George was doing.  Was glad to see him sitting up.  Xray showed that there are gas bubbles making their way down the intestinal tract so he is encouraged and feels that it won’t be too long before the milestone of passing gas is behind us.  It’s a good sign.  Once that happens they will cap off the GI tube which is draining the stomach and see how things go.  If all goes well, then he will be off the liquid diet and can order anything off the menu.  Not sure a cheeseburger will be the first thing he orders.

Since George had been up and catching up on his iPad he read my blogs for the past few days.  He asked Dr. B about the surgery and so forth because he realized he did not fully comprehend what we had told him yesterday.  I knew that it had not yet registered, so now that he is slowly coming around he is having to come to terms with the scope of things.

He asked Dr. B about what we all have been thinking, “if this is still considered low grade then how to it spread so quickly?”  Dr. B said that’s why he did a frozen sample for testing.  However, we need to wait for the full report.  I mentioned that we had not yet heard from the oncologist and he said that we won’t until after pathology comes out. 

So, today had it’s ups and its down, but certainly forward progress has been made.  It has taken me a while to write this final bit (I worked on it off and on during the day) because, just like last time, often as I just sit down and get situated George needs something, i.e. adjust the head of the bed up or down, cover him, uncover him, give him CPAP and turn it on or off, get a sip of water, etc., etc., etc.  Up and down, I get a lot of exercise!!  He keeps me hopping that is for sure!! 

We had only one visitor today, Bonnie.  Nice time catching up with her.  She and Keith will be back tomorrow to spot me so I can go home, take a shower, check my mail, etc.  I don’t want to be in competition with George for who can go the longest without taking a shower!  Haha!!

Side note:  I forgot to mention something very touching that occurred on Wednesday afternoon.  After I met with Dr. Bastidas post surgery and went to deliver the news to those waiting with me, I was visibly upset.  A man in the waiting room, dressed in biker-like clothes (sorry to classify – but most know what I mean), came over to us and asked if he could pray with and for us.  He knelt in front of me and took my hands and Victoria and Cathy also put their hands out.  He proceeded to ask for healing for whomever we were upset about.  He spent a few minutes in prayer.  We thanked him and he went back and took his seat.  What a phenomenal gesture from a complete stranger.  I asked his name but cannot remember it now.  But this is an example of what we should be doing for others - - Note to self:  Don’t be afraid to ask to pray for and with others?!?! 

The C Word – A New Battle Day 2 - Frustrated patient

The past 24 hours have been a tad bit frustrating.  As noted in yesterday’s journal, I received a call from George about an hour after I had gotten home because we were told that a bed would not be available on the regular surgical recovery floor – or the chances were pretty slim.  Apparently when Dr. Bastidas got back to the hospital to check on George he noted that he was still in ICU and he went about to get him moved.  He arrived at George’s bedside just about 9PM.  George was surprised as he had just fallen asleep.  George then called me and I told him I would meet him at his new room since he told me they were “packing him up” as he spoke. When I arrived, he was not yet there -  and did not make it down for about an hour after my arrival. 

Since he arrived at the magical hour of shift change, he had to endure two sets of vital checking, one with the shift going off and one with the shift coming on.  Then his new nurse arrive about 11:30 and proceeded to do some updates with his equipment that apparently are not things available in ICU.  One of the things that has to take place regularly is flushing out George’s TPN (feeding tube) line.  In ICU they used a syringe to do this periodically.  Here, they add another water bag to the line and program the unit to flush the lines every four hour so there is no need for someone to come in and do it.  Hmmm, why is one floor able to have the equipment and not another?? 

At midnight she completed all the things she needed to do and told us that things should be quiet until vital needed to be done at about 3:30AM.  She left the room – and not 5 minutes later one of George’s IV lines starts beeping loudly.  Nurse Valena was nearby and heard it and came in quickly to take care of the “air in the line” coding.  She left the room –and 5 minutes later something else started beeping – the compression line for George’s calves.  She came in and took care of that.  Five minutes later – and the TPN line started up again so we called her in again.  She left and five minutes later the compression line started to beep again.  Seriously?!?!?!  What the heck is this all about!  That was the last of the beeping for the night so we were grateful she figured it all out.

George woke me up at 5AM to use the urinal and we called the nurse in for help (it is a major feat to accomplish getting out of bed with all the tubes, etc.)  Since he was up she fetched the scale so he could be weighed because she knew the doctor would be looking for that number in the system.  A few more things and, 40 minutes later we attempted to get just a little more sleep. 

The next shift came on and things went relatively smoothly.  Since George knew that we needed to PT sessions today, just before ten he asked if I could find the therapist and have her come in.  I told him that the nurse would be in shortly to do an additional TPN flush and we could find out.  At that time, George decided he wanted to try sitting up for a bit so the nurse and CNA came in to help get him situated.  Nina, the PT, arrived about 11 and got him to take two walks to the door and back.  George complains about the “room spinning” and we think that is the dilaudid.  We need to ask Dr. B if there is something else that will adequately administer a pain medication without the spinning because we need George to be able to get up and walk around more but he can’t if the spinning keeps on happening.  Too unsteady for that!

This afternoon was very frustrating as George’s pain medication line ran out and the unit started beeping like crazy.  It beeped for a while but apparently the nurse could not hear it.  I silenced the unit and we gave a call to the nurse’s station.  It took probably 10 minutes for the nurse to come in and take care of it (and me silencing the unit every 2 minutes).  When she finally arrived she changed out the meds and went to add another potassium bag.  This took her a bit of time to set up and, during the set up the unit kept beeping and beeping.  George finally glared at her and said “can you shut that thing up!”  So then she kept on top of silencing it whenever it started to beep while she kept on trying to get the line going.  She left the room after getting it going and the stupid thing started beeping for air in the line.  She came back in and tried to fix it and thought she had but a few minutes later it started again.  Needless to say, the patient was very, very angry!!

This evening I left the room to make a phone call and was gone a while, but forgot to put the call button low enough for George to get it.  (he was sleeping and I did not want to disturb him).  Apparently, shortly after I left one of the lines started beeping because it was complete.  No one could hear the unit beeping, George couldn’t yell loud… and so he listened to it beeping until I returned 45 minutes later.  By this time he was absolutely livid!  Not a good day for man and machine!! 

The PT came in right after all of the afternoon stuff but George was so exhausted form the beeping and stuff that he did not feel up to doing anything!  So she gave him a pass and will be back in the morning. 

We had lots of visitors today – Sara, Keith, Stan, Rob and Angie, Denise and Rosemary.  George did pretty well.  He sometimes dozed off, or listened with his eyes closed, but he managed to hold conversations.  By the end of the day he was pretty tired. We are hoping that things stay relatively quiet so we can catch up on our sleep.  Right now the only line going is the TPN – and I think that one will need to be changed out sometime during this night shift. 

Dr. Bastidas was in this morning and says things are going okay.  No other news for the day on the medical side of things. 

George and I are making peace with his current condition.  Taking a “Let’s wait and see what we are dealing with – and then deal with it” approach. 

Time for some sleep - - hopefully will get a good 5 or 6 hours in with minimal interruptions for me (maybe I will sleep through the shift change tonight?  One can hope!) 

The C Word – A New Battle Day

First, we are so thankful for all the prayers.  I think it not only helped us get through the day, but get through it with grace and peace. 

This morning I had a 6:30 appointment to meet the surgeon to tell George the news.  George was way too groggy last night to comprehend anything that would have been told to him. 

When I arrived at 5:30AM the nurse told me that he just cat-napped most of the night.  He was sort of awake when I arrived.  When Dr. Bastidas arrived he filled him in on what had taken place yesterday.

I have a correction to make from my notes yesterday.  The cancer was all over the small bowel.  He did not say today that it affected any other organs and said that the upper abdominal area looked okay.  The portion of small bowel that they left in had cancer tumors on it but they could not remove or scrape it.  Instead of leaving George with no small bowel which would be very bad, they left him with some but it has growth on it. 

George took the news fairly well, a little teary eyed.  But, as soon as Dr. B left, George said, “I just want to sleep now.”  And off to la la land he went.  A few hours later he made a comment or two but still not saying much about what was told to him.  It wasn’t until later in the day that he started asking questions about what the situation was.  I told him.  And a little later he asked me to tell him again.  (His memory retention is affected by the anesthesia.) 

Over the course of the day, especially the early part of the day, there was not a lot of talking going on.  The PT came in at 11:00 to get him to start moving his legs and then got him out of bed and standing.  That did not last long because the room was “spinning”.  He got up a second time just before 3PM because the nurse wanted to try to have him go pee as he had not done so since his cathether was removed very early this morning.  And, this evening, they not only helped him out of bed for a bathroom break but also had him sit in a chair for a short bit.  Very good progress! 

Food wise he did not eat (rather, drink) much but he did at least try.  He will be on liquids and very soft things for a bit as they intestinal track heals.  He is getting food via his feeding tube as well as minerals, etc that he was low on. 

Today Stephanie drove down for a visit.  It did her good to see her dad.  At first she was very cautious, but as time went on I think she sensed that things will settle down and we will figure out what the next step is.  She left around 4PM and I got a text from her about 8PM that she had arrived home…. 4 hours for a normally 1 ½ hour drive!!  Poor thing.

Steve and Robin, friends of ours, popped in for a visit this evening as did my co-worker Judy.  George was in good spirits and making conversation, even smiling some.  Definitely progress over this morning.

He is still in ICU even though transfer orders were done at 7AM.  There are not beds available on the next floor down.  Since he has a bed and a room, he is lower priority than others having surgery. Perhaps Friday will be a slower day and he can be moved tomorrow!!  He rather enjoys ICU because it is quieter for the most part (there have only been 6-8 patients on the floor, there are at least 20 rooms!)  But it will be easier for others to move about and come visit if he is moved, plus I will be able to stay the night.  (As I type this I just got a call from George that he is being transferred to a room tonight!!  So I will be packing up and heading back to the hospital! Hoo-rah!)

I left about 8PM as he was quite tired.  Will turn in soon.

Today I am thankful for all the prayer warriors out there, for all those that are texting and emailing.  I have touched base with the PMP sites we take part in and am getting some ideas about what kinds of questions to ask and hearing what others are doing or have done that had similar situations to George.  I am thankful for the nurses who were so very kind.  I am thankful for Dr. Bastidas and all the support he has given us. 

When George was sleeping today I had chance to listen to my “tunes” and crochet and relax.  I can feel your prayers as a sense of calm has come over me.  I feel relaxed and at peace.  I know that we can tackle whatever needs to be done.  I am sure it will have difficult moments but we will take those as they come.  It is probably easier said than done – but, for now, the only thing we are concentrating on is getting George up and about as well as get some good nutrition in him so he can come home to finish recovering.  Tomorrow will be a new day and we will take that as it comes. 

I need to stop typing so I can pack up and head back to the hospital and “move in”.  Until tomorrow

The C Word - A new battle ensues

Oh my gosh, I have absolutely no idea where to begin or how to even process this day. 

 I could start with the mundane absurdity of our refrigerator leaking this morning. I discovered that at 2 AM when I went downstairs because I couldn't sleep.  I think that was God's way of giving me something else to think about. It's not an emergency. I will deal with that later.

We arrived for check in at 5AM and at 7:30 George was off to surgery.

I had asked Dr. Bastidas if it would be the same routine and he said yes.  Off to the waiting room I went (after getting myself a large breakfast).

The last time he had CRS/HIPEC I got word about 9:30-10 that it was a "go" which meant that the HIPEC would occur. At 11:30 Dr B had come out with his update.

Today, 9:30 came and went. 10:30 came and went. Hoping for the best I thought that perhaps they were not going to announce he would have HIPEC and just moved forward. If this were the case then I expected to see Dr. B sometime around noon.

I had plenty of company. Rosemary, Denise, Sara and Chloe, Stan, Cathy P, Victoria. At noon the waiting room volunteer came over and told me that someone would come give me an update at 1:00.  I was still hoping for the best and thought that perhaps the surgery took longer because of all the detail work that needed to be done.

At 1:00 Dr. Bastidas came out and took me to the consult room. As soon as we walked in he said, I don't have good news for you."  He went on to explain that upon opening George they saw cancer everywhere. There were not a lot of mucin out materials like the last time, but the cancer was all over his small intestines and I think he said on the liver too. They couldn't get it all. There was just too much which, of course, meant that they couldn't do the HIPEC (chemo). A good deal of the time was spent unraveling the small intestine and trying to find a portion that could be saved. They ended up cutting out half of it, leaving him with 105 cm.  Doctor says that nutritional sustenance needs 100 cm so George had just enough to cover that. He did not need stoma bag. He also said that there was some small bowl obstruction (SBO)... Which totally explains the nausea even more.

He said that it would probably be difficult to find an oncologist willing or able to do chemo. We will need to meet with Dr. Sheh to see if there are other options out there.  We will now probably be needing to use Immodium and Lomotil a whole lot more to manage chronic diarrhea.

He said that he does not believe the pathology changed, meaning that he believes it is still low grade appendiceal (i.e. Non aggressive). He said something about tumor markets which he ran for the last set of  labs... But I don't know enough about that to know what he was talking about.

He explained the various tubes and lines that I would see. Two of them will go home with us. Although George will be able to eat, his nutrition has suffered these past weeks. One of the tubes will be used to pump food directly to his belly and is something I will need to learn to hook up at night. The other line is to extract excess gases off his stomach. These should be temporary if he is able to resume eating. 30 days or so.  If he is doing okay and at least maintaining weight, they will come out. If not, I guess they stay in longer.

I'm trying to think if there was anything else they talked about, but you can imagine I and the kids and family are reeling from this seemingly disastrous news. We don't know the short or long term expectations and may not know that for days or weeks. Pathology report should be done by early next week.

I dread having to tell George when he wakes up. As I said in a previous posting, he already feels useless... We need to figure out how to learn to live WITH cancer, knowing (at least for now) there is no other treatment. I am trying to wrap my head around all of this. I think God was preparing me for this because I just had a sense of dread for the past few days, more than before. Up until a few days ago I was not feeling this way... Hence what I wrote last night... I wanted to believe the best... I wanted another miracle... God doesn't always answer us the way we want or expect... So now I need to see if we can figure out the why of all if this... Try to make sense of this... 

I will go home sometime tonight to try to rest (it may be ambien induced rest). I don't know if we will be able to tell George tonight. More likely it will be tomorrow so I want to come back bright and early to be here when he's told (by myself or Dr B).

Thank you today for Sara who helped make two very difficult calls. For Cathy and Victoria for shoulders to cry on. For Rosemary and Denise being here for moral support.

We have a new battle to attend to now. Well, perhaps the same battle, just different lines have been drawn now. We were not expecting to have to ramp up this soon.

I will post daily to keep others informed. I think I need to restrict visitors to family and closest of close friends for at least a day or two to give us all time to digest this information and start to come to terms for how this impacts us in the short and long haul. I pray that we are able to get George to a place where he is comfortable, to where pain is manageable, bodily function in control as much as possible... So we can do a bit more living and experiencing joys. Right now it looks bleak but we don't have all the information yet. Pray, pray, pray!!!!

The “C” Word - The Next Chapter, Day 26 - The Night Before Surgery

I have to be honest.  I put on a brave face where everyone else is concerned.  Maybe it was the way I was raised, “If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Maybe it is because the things I have had to deal with over the years are, in the grand scheme of things, not as big as other people’s issues.  That is not to say that it diminishes my life or feelings, but I look at others with much larger problems and wonder what it is that I have to complain about.  It’s a choice, often a conscious choice, for me to decide that “I’ve got this under control”.  The majority of the time, this is a true statement.

But there are times in the dark, stillness of the early morning hours or when I have the opportunity to get some time to myself (which, trust me, is not very often), that all the fears and doubts creep in and I am a puddle of tears.  I don’t like others to see that part of me.  I have become good at hiding it – avoiding it.  Most of the time anyway.  I am a hypocrite when George cries and I tell him it is okay to do so.  It makes him more human.  So why do I hide this part of myself like I do is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps it is because I do not like to admit that I am not always strong.  Perhaps it is because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.  It could be one of those or it could be something I am not even aware of.

I have written how much I have turned to my Christian music for comfort and peace.  There are certain songs that make me weep.  It will happen at church sometimes.  I dab at the tears, embarrassed that not only can I not hold them in but I can’t explain why they occur.  I think it is because the songs make me so humble in the eyes of the Lord, it is through Him that I exist.  I weep because He loves me in all of my sinful, not so pretty ways (and yes, I am telling you that I have faults!)  In those moments I feel so vulnerable – no one likes feeling vulnerable and I fight against that all the time – yet I feel God touching my very soul with his music, with the gift of song and I can be both down on my knees in prayer or lifting my hands in praise. 

Some of the losses in my life have been significant - - a college roommate and grandparents some 30 years ago, my husband Mike, my dad, my mom to name a few.  And I have lived through those times of hurt and pain with as more grace than I ever thought was possible. Though there were some very dark periods of time for me after those, for the most part I was able to look to God and see a reason or a purpose for them being taken from my life.  I have been able to find peace and positive energy in spite of the seemingly unsurmountable losses.  I have an innate sense of God’s love and know that God will see me through no matter what life sends my way. 

I am extremely humbled by all the people around the world who take the time to say a prayer for us, to offer us their love and support.  Many we do not know.  To say I am grateful would be a huge understatement.  Who am I that all these people should care?  God’s grace and mercy overflows from them to me and renders me speechless and I fight back tears of humility and thankfulness.

It is in the songs of Christ that I surrender myself to Him.  It is as though He is reaching into my heart to let me know that I am loved, that WE are loved.   I know that I have absolutely no control over where life is taking me.  It scares me sometimes because there is no crystal ball.  And trust me, there are times I want that crystal ball so badly.

I want to know that George will be whole once he is healed from this surgery.  I don’t have that promise or that guarantee.  I am so afraid of this surgery because he is so much weaker than before the first surgery.  His spirit seems so broken these days when he talks about being tired of being tired… of not know what his purpose is here on earth… of his frustrations that he made a promise if he lived through the first surgery and he has not been able to fulfill that promise yet. He has lost all sense of self.  Feels he falls so short as a husband and provider.  And as hard as I try to lay that all before our Lord I find that my humanness keeps bubbling up and the fears sneak back in.

I remember after Mike died that when I looked back at those last weeks of life that things happened that should have been a sign, but of course we didn’t know it.  We saw people that we hadn’t visited in awhile.   We became foster parents as a pay back of sorts – because Mike wanted to give someone else a chance just as he had been given.  We were doubly blessed because Rachel had a little baby, so Mike got to experience being a grandfather for all of 6 weeks.  We were in a good place spiritually, he was enjoying being part of a church family and was taking a Bible study.  It was all so good, the best it had been in our 20 years of marriage.  And, then… POOF, it was gone. 

And now I find myself looking for signs of that happening again.  Will I know it before it happens?  I find myself asking questions I never thought I would have to ask.  “George, what is your “limit”?  What kinds of conditions are you willing to live in?”  I have to know that because if not now, then at some point this cancer or some other health condition could lead to my having to help make a decision.  I hate having to think of those things.  But even though there are true moments of doubt and despair, inevitably I know that there is “not a spot where God is not” and no matter what happens, no matter what cards are dealt, not only will a survive but I will thrive. 

I feel for George - - these past two years have not been fun for him, nor for me.  These recent weeks have been horrid.  How many times is too many times to go to the restroom (even though many are false alarms, he doesn’t trust his body signals).  Back and forth and back and forth seems to be the bane of his existence.  What kind of life is it to live in fear of being too far from a bathroom?  Up until December he had gotten things to a relatively good place and things were pretty manageable.  Will they ever be that way again?  Will he find some peace or happiness when all is said and done?  Or will things be worse?  No crystal ball to give us those answers.  We have to wait and see what is in store for us.

This is my final posting just before surgery day.  George will not see this for many weeks.  I pray that when he does read this that he is in a better place than he is today.  I pray he is recovering well from surgery.  I pray that he experience being NED (no evidence of disease) for a period of time.  I continue to lift him up to the Lord – because I am not in control of his earthly life.  And I vow to continue to be strong for him, to stand beside him, to tend to whatever his needs are in the short and long term.  “In sickness and in health, for good or for bad.”  Before George heads in to surgery I will hold his hand and reassure him that I love him and I will wait for him and I will be there for him.  I will reassure him that all will be well and not let him see any doubt or fear.  I will believe that for him because in this moment he finds it difficult to believe. And when I am weak, I know that I have so many faithful prayer warriors lifting me up and lifting him up, they will help carry us through whatever lies ahead. That is what LOVE is all about.

The “C” Word - The Next Chapter, Day 24 - Preparations

The past few days have been difficult as noted in my previous blog.  I sit and watch helplessly as George goes back and forth to the bathroom.  I see him becoming more anxious.  I note that he looks rather sorrowful or depressed or concerned.  I can see the physical discomfort he is going through.

And I am making notes about what needs to take place over the next few days both at home and at work.  What do I need to get accomplished at work to prepare other staff to cover for me while I am gone.  What do I want to take with me to keep me busy in the waiting room on Wednesday.  What do I need to bring with me once I start staying at the hospital. 

And I contemplate all the “what ifs” that can take place during and after surgery.  Just what will need to take place?  What happens if….during surgery?  What will George be like after surgery?  While we all pray for a successful surgery and faster recovery – I also know that God doesn’t always answer prayers the way we expect. 

So… I pray… a lot… and I listen to my Christian music on my iPod or iPhone. I find peace and hope and power when I tune out all else and just let myself listen or sing to the words of God given to the musicians who make this beautiful music. I sing for joy and I cry in humbleness. I looked for some new songs to add to my favorites list.  And I found one that is absolutely my new favorite.  It is titled Here as in Heaven and is sung by a group called Elevation Worship. 

Here are the Lyrics:

The atmosphere is changing now
For the spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the spirit of the Lord is here

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with your love
Your love surround us
You're the reason we came
To encounter your love
Your love surround us

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need your presence
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
Here as in heaven

A miracle can happen now
For the spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the spirit of the Lord is here

I pray for a miracle, Lord.  May we feel your spirit in our home for the next few days.  Make your presence known in the operating room.  Make your presence known with all who come in contact with George or myself during our hospital stay.  You already know the outcome and I am doing my best to turn all of my fears and anxieties over to you.  Hear my prayers.

If you choose to hear this lovely song, here is the link.  Just close your eyes and listen.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0C_lPro_xk