The C Word – Moment by moment

These past few days have been full of changes, full of possible scenarios, full of having to think about decisions about what is next. 

It has now been nearly four days since the obstruction occurred.  While the drainage coming out has slowed down a little bit, it is still coming. 

The Ng tube has caused George much distress.  It has been irritating his throat to the point that he cannot talk right now.  His voice is hoarse.  Today Dr. Bastidas put in a PEG line (gastric tube) so that the Ng tube can be removed.  It will probably take a few days for George to start feeling better.  An advantage is that I can now bring in George’s CPAP machine so he can sleep better.

But we have decisions looming over us if the obstruction does not clear.  Hard decisions.  All have their own repercussions. 

1.       Go home with TPN and G-Tube. 

a.      That said, then who follows care:  Palliative or Hospice

2.      Go home with nothing and hospice

3.      Surgery to try to remove obstruction

a.      Complications/scenarios include:
Not able to clear blockage

b.      Resection could be difficult

c.       Getting through the tumors may present issues

d.      Depending on where blockage is, could get some relief and be able to eat foods or could still need TPN

e.      Possible ostomy bag

George loves Dr. Bastidas so much that he will nearly always choose surgery as his first option.  In fact, George said to me yesterday, “I have faith in Dr. Bastidas and in God.”  Subconsciously, he puts Dr. Bastidas ahead of God on some level. 

Dr. Bastidas said he cannot tell George which option he would choose.  He hesitated to sway George one way or another.  It is a decision George has to make. I believe George would do whatever Dr. Bastidas says, even if Dr B. said that going home with TPN & G-tube is a better choice.  He respects his decision that much.  But Dr. B wouldn’t come out and say anything on that.  Professionally, he probably can’t do that.

It is clear that George doesn’t feel well at all.  He may not feel well after surgery.  He would likely be able to live less than he already does. This cancer is taking him bit by bit by bit.  Whatever decision George goes with, the inevitable is going to happen. 

I struggle. I don’t want him to continue to suffer.  He has mental anguish right now.  My concern is that if he was fearful about eating before getting this obstruction, he will be even more fearful if he is able to eat again.  How is that a benefit?  Compounded fear.  Every procedure, every surgery compounds already growing fear. 

There are moments when I watch him lying in bed, totally out of it, drifting in and out of sleep – and I cry.  This is not what I want for him. This is not life. 

We are living one moment to the next.  Holding our breath.  Trying to anticipate what is next.  Will the obstruction clear?  If it does, then what?  If it doesn’t, then what?  If he has surgery, what will the benefit be, if any? 

I can hardly go beyond this moment right now.  I pray, again, for the answer to become clear.  I pray for peace of mind for George, for me, for the family. 

I do know that when I have battles with my thoughts and emotions where George is concerned, that God has delivered messages to me in a myriad of ways.  God already knows the answers but we have to be open to listen to them. 

I had an opportunity to talk to the doctor this afternoon.  He and I will have frank conversations.  He trusts me and I trust him.  I asked him what was his gut feeling about all of this.  He shrugged.  I reiterated the conversation he had with George yesterday.  I was feeling out what I believed was on his mind.  I told him that George is swaying towards surgery but that I wasn’t entirely sure if that was the answer because there are so many variables.  It might help.  Dr. Bastidas then said, “he could also come out worse than he is going in”.  The look on his face and the tone of his voice and the way he spoke to me, I believe that I got the answer I was looking for.  The one I was praying for. 

It may not be the answer we were hoping for, praying for – but it was definitely spoken from God through someone else. 

Moment by moment – that’s all I can ask for right now.  God is standing beside us, Jesus is walking with us.  Breathe.  Just breathe. 

This is a hymn I found:

Moment By Moment

1	Dying with Jesus, by death reckoned mine; Living with Jesus a new life divine; Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine, Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.
	Moment by moment I’m kept in His love, Moment by moment I’ve life from above; Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;   Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.
2	Never a battle with wrong for the right, Never a contest that He doth not fight; Lifting above us His banner so white; Moment by moment I’m kept in His sight.
3	Never a trial that He is not there, Never a burden that He doth not bear; Never a sorrow that He doth not share, Moment by moment, I’m under His care.
4	Never a heartache, and never a groan, Never a teardrop, and never a moan; Never a danger but there on the throne Moment by moment He thinks of His own.
5	Never a weakness that He doth not feel, Never a sickness that He cannot heal; Moment by moment, in woe or in weal, Jesus, my Savior, abides with me still.