The C Word – Dear Mom

Dear Mom:

I have my stuffed calico kitty (she looks like your favorite kitty Chloe) with your ashes in it on my bed as I sit in the hospital with George.  When I was packing up to come stay at the hospital, I looked over and saw you – and decided that I needed you with me.

There are days when I miss you so much.  When all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk to you.  A lot of people will say “everything will be okay” – but when your mom says it to you, it feels so much better.  There’s nothing like a mother’s love and comfort when things are not going so well.  There’s nothing better than a mom’s lap to rest on, shoulder to cry on, hand to hold.  I don’t think I did that very often with you once I became an adult.  I should have.  I know when my kids snuggle with me or sit beside me, I so appreciate and love the gesture.  It will never get old for me!  My kids are my kids no matter what their biological age is. 

The tables are starting to turn a bit where my girls are starting to let me lean on them, to talk to them about what I’m feeling.  They are doing their best to be there for me.  Becke is calling me about once a week to talk - - just like I used to do with you.  Sara will spend time with me, sometimes just hanging out, sometimes walking – just like I used to do with you when I visited. 

These past four and a half years have been hard ones.  There’ve been some easy moments in between the harsh ones.  Lately, though, it’s been one thing after another.  Every other week it seems George needs medical attention for something.  It’s wearing us out little by little because there’s not enough time in between to catch our breath.  Not enough time to have some semblance of normalcy. 

I know you would understand some of that.  Caring for dad towards the end was hard on you.  Hard to get out.  Hard to make plans.  Hard to watch him slide downhill mentally and physically.  I can’t believe it has been nearly thirteen years since his passing.  I’m sure that you missed him a lot in the beginning, but you were also relieved that he was not in pain anymore.  That’s what will happen in my case as well.  

These past few months have been difficult to feel like I’ve accomplished anything.  I haven’t had much chance to sew or craft.  My exercise routine has all but stopped.  Not always because of caring for George – but lots of rain and dark mornings hampers that as well.  It’s hard to make plans. Some days I just don’t have the energy to do much.  And I have to be okay with that. 

This journey with the “C” word has become all consuming.  Some days or weeks it is hard to find moments of pleasure and joy.  When the world you live in is restricted to four walls, there’s not much else to talk about.  The news is, well, not so great most of the time.  How I wish there would be a news channel that talked only about good things!  That would be so refreshing! I know that’s something you would like to have had in your lifetime as well. 

Mom, it’s been nice chatting with you.  I know that your heavenly realm is so beautiful and you are surrounded by all of your brothers and sisters and their wives as well as your mom and your dad.  I bet you have the best Christmas parties ever with them just like when you were here. 

I know you are watching down from heaven – but I sure wish you were here.  For now, I’ll hug my Chloe/mom kitty and feel your presence here.

I love you.

Dawn