The C Word - Give Me A Sign

In 2019 I am determined to ensure that I have some quality “me” time.  My sister had spoken of “The Five Minute Journal” and explained how it worked.  It intrigued me.  Heck, I can find five minutes a day!  I ordered a copy for myself as well as for my three daughters (as Christmas gifts).  I started using this journal on Christmas Day.  I have successfully managed to write in it every day since then.

Since I now have my own bed near the master bedroom, I have a small light and a place to put my journals, etc.  While I know it is not good to keep your phone near your bed for a myriad of reasons, my phone has the app Calm on it.  I use Calm music meditation at night.  First thing in the morning I do a daily calm meditation.  Then I write in my Five Minute Journal.

The Five Minute Journal is broken down into sections.  First, write up to three things you are grateful for.  Maybe that the sun is up or it’s raining outside, the fact that you woke up happy, or had a good night of sleep.  You can be grateful for your husband, kids or other family and friends and relationships.  Big or little. Find things to be grateful for.

Next you write up to three things that would make today great.  For this I spend a few minutes to think of what might be on my schedule for the day and come up with a goal or two that would be good.  You could call this section “intentions”.  I find that when I fill this section in, I think about it throughout the day and try to fulfill my intentions if I can.  These have to be things you have some control over, not things like, a sunny day or the boss to be in a good mood.

Next you write an affirmation phrase.  For me, I am trying to be more mindful about how and what I eat so most of my affirmations for “I am…” have related to that this month.  I even did an online support that my niece held for a week titled: “Ditch the Diet – learning how to be an intuitive eater”.  I found some helpful suggestions there.

Once I’ve completed that journal, I move on to a “Hello God, It’s Me – a 365 Daily Devotional journal” that my daughter gave me for Christmas.  It has a bible verse and then some written paragraphs pertaining to that verse.  And a short prayer.  Some days I try to write something pertinent to the topic and other days I write what is on my mind.

Since I write in my five-minute journal first, I don’t know what the devotional one will say that day.  So when the two of them actually cross over the same topic, I pay attention.

Yesterday I wrote that “I am grateful for… (1) knowing I have the strength to deal with problem, (2) knowing what George needs and (3) Dr. Bastidas (our wonderful surgeon).”

“What would make today great?  (1) Being able to decide what to do about George’s abscess issue.  (2) seeing the PMP group but OK if that doesn’t happen and (3) seeing Becke, Addy & Bella. 

Then, the Bible verse from the devotional journal was from Psalm 22:9-11 “Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.  From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God.  Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.” The story to go along with it states: “The Thursday before Easter in 2007, a tragic car accident took the life of a high school senior, Chris.  A girl who barely knew him was shaken.  A young Christ-follower, she’d distanced herself from God.  As her shock from Chris’s death changed into fear and tears, she returned, weeping, to the Lord’s arms.  She took comfort in His Word, explored it more , and clung to its truth.  She trusted in God’s strength, found peace in knowing that He was in control, and drew closer to Him than she ever had been before.  The direction of her life changed.  Without Chris’s death, she might have remained distant from God for much longer.  Her love for God and others would have grown more stagnant.  The tragedy served as a reminder to her of what was really important. 

Although most of us want a life filled only with joy and blessings, God knows that sometimes we must endure difficult circumstances and tragedies in order for Him to build the strength of character He wants in us.  Unexpected tragedies reveal what is most important in our lives – and they often lead us to the arms of the One who is the Source of life.” 

The prayer it says is “Hello God… it’s me.  Increase my faith in Your goodness, no matter what my day looks like.”  *1

My prayer for yesterday was:  Dear God: Today I ask for Your peace to surround me and George.  I need the presence of mind to decide what to do about the tumor(?) that appears to be surfacing outside his abdomen.  George looks to me to make these sorts of decisions.  Make it clear to me what action I need to take.  “Give me a sign” as they say.  Give us both the strength we need to get through these tough times. 

After I did my two journals and then some brain training, I got up and started my day as I do every day. 
I did manage to go to a luncheon for PMP survivors that I’d organized although George was not up to going.  I managed to get home with enough time to spare to see Becke and the twins as they were at Chloe’s birthday party.  The only thing that wasn’t yet clear was what to do about George’s abscess issues. 

Then, around 5PM George state he was having a hot flash as he pushed off the warm blanket which he is covered in all day long as he is always cold.  I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first but then something told me to take his temperature.  He had a fever over 100 degrees.  That’s not good.  We waited another 20 minutes and took it again – no change.  I told George we needed to go to the ER because his immune system doesn’t work so great.  He really wanted to wait until the next morning or until Tuesday and then go see Dr. Bastidas.  I told him that I didn’t think we should wait.  Something was going on.  He finally agreed to go but wasn’t thrilled with my decision.  (In the meantime, I had texted Dr. B to let him know what was going on.  He didn’t answer right away but had someone message us while he was in the OR that going to hospital would be a good idea. By that time we were already at the hospital.

And, as usual, it was a good decision to make.  The fluid and gases in his abscess region could not adequately release with the small drain he’s had in since December.  He needed to get the area drained and a new solution needed to be found for the abscess area. 

He didn’t get a room until nearly 12:30 and it was 1:00AM before I headed home to rest.  As I lay in bed trying to wind down, I thought back on my day and realized that the fever was the “sign” that I’d asked for to clearly indicate what needed to be done.  If it had not been for that, I’m not sure we would have known the severity of the issue. 

I went to sleep thanking God for sending His sure sign, the sign I’d asked for.  He doesn’t always send such clear signs when we ask.  Sometimes we have to listen very carefully as the answer may be whispered in the breeze.  I’m grateful that he sent a strong signal in this instance.

All the things I was grateful for and all the things that would make the day amazing along with the prayer from my devotional journal came together as one and, though the day was incredibly long, the end result was that it all came together for the good of everyone. 

This morning I did a meditation on relieving anxiety.  Trying to be in the moment and not predict outcomes but to be present with what is happening in the here and now. 

In my journal I wrote that I am glad that I took George to the ER last night so we can take care of the problem.  What would make today great was to write about “give me a sign” for my blog. (check). 

I wrote to try not to stress eat (check).  I packed myself a random snack made with sweet, salty, crunchy things (dried edamame beans, peanuts, cheerios and corn pops).  That satisfied the “in between” time from breakfast to lunch and the small salad I had for lunch was perfect.

I wrote about talking to George about his reticence to go to the hospital when things are obviously (to me) needing to be taken care of.  (check)  On the way to the hospital I prayed for the right words to say that would enable him to see my point of view and to help him see that he needs to trust my gut instinct to know when it is time to seek help and not “wait until the weekend is over” or whatever a later time or date might be.  Sometimes that waiting, especially for him, can be dangerous. 

As I look back at my devotional journal for today, the topic was “unlimited knowledge”.  The verse from Psalm 139:1-4 says “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit down or stand up.  You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.  You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.  You know everything I do.  You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.”*1 (I had underscored that last sentence.)

I started the conversation with him (forgetting about the bible verse by then) and just prayed for the right words to say.  I explained some of my thoughts and talked about the fact that I have learned to trust my gut instincts, my intuition, especially when it is something that is important.  I needed him to trust himself.  I said, “You’re smart.  You know when something isn’t right.” 

The thing that hit home for him was when I said to him, “You know how you sometimes will ask a doctor ‘if it was your child/mom/loved one what would you do in this situation’?”  I told him that it might help him better if, when something is going wrong or when I point out that something needs to be handled in the ER or doctor’s office, or when he knows something isn’t right with his body that he needs to think, “If this was happening to my child or grandchild, what would my response be?”  It puts a whole new light, a whole new perspective on things because his advice to them would most likely be “better be safe than sorry”, “you need to get that checked out before it gets worse”, etc.  Thank you God for putting those words in my mouth as that was not something I thought of until the moment it happened. 

As with every step along this journey, there are more things for me to take care of, new things to learn.  He is excited that he gets to go home today.  For me, instead of a drain I have to pack the area. I can do that.  (I also believe that Dr. Bastidas trusts my judgement and capabilities, so we are able to get out of the hospital sooner than some other people.) It’s another hiccough, another glitch in our journey.  But not one we cannot get through.  With God on our side, we continue to walk this journey, fight this fight, until God deems it time to go home.

P.S.  Dear God – I still insist that no matter what new ‘nursing’ skills you are making me learn, I do NOT want to go become a nurse in my next phase of life.  I have no doubt, however, that what I am learning on this journey will be used in some incredible way somewhere down the road.  You are just full of surprises!

*1  Hello God… It’s Me.  A 365 Day Devotional Journal.  Ellie Claire; Journal edition (January 1, 2016)