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As the clock ticks toward
2017, it is time to reflect on this past year - - and what a year it was. We began the year with George in a neck
brace, his cancer surgery on hold to find out if his neck would heal on its’
own. When that did not happen, we went
into February with a whole different surgery on the books. A corpectomy.
We were not happy about having to put off the cancer surgery but we had
absolutely no choice as we couldn’t move forward with George having a major
issue with his neck vertebrae.
As the months marched onward
we breathed a collective sigh when the brace finally came off.
Anticipating another surgery
we decided it was time to move Mom to a memory care facility. Having been through 4 evening caregivers over
the span of 18 months or so, it was becoming evident that we were not going to
find anyone reliable enough to take a 20-hour a week position to care for
her. We had a solid AM caregiver, Olive,
that was with us for at least two years.
But the evening job had become my second job – and caring for George and
his mom for a good part of the early months of the year was putting a strain on
our lives.
In May we moved her to a
facility – and hoped we could have a few months off to relax and enjoy our summer. The staff where I work noticed immediately
when the burden of caring for mom was gone for me.
Alas, our joy was short lived
when, in June, George started having issues with pain and nausea. At first we thought it had to do with
something he ate as it was quite intermittent.
We cued up the next CT scan and within days the pain and nausea was quite
severe. The scan showed some blockages
and surgery was scheduled sooner than later, thus obliterating our laid back
summer plans.
While in some cases this
surgery was easier than the first one (no chemo), it had its own sets of
challenges ranging from the wound opening up, to getting C-Diff, and new
pains. The recovery was much trickier as
he came home with PICC lines, feeding tube and drains – all “new” things to
us. Round the clock care was
required. Comfort was elusive.
Yet, this time he was able to
walk much quicker than the last time and was getting around the block within
weeks rather than months. His appetite,
as little as it was, was still better than the first time around.
But, the diagnosis this time
around was more difficult to swallow – to know that the outcome is truly out of
our hands, that there is nothing we can do at this point to slow anything
down. After several second opinions we
are resigned to that fact – yet hoping beyond hope that the disease will not
move too quickly.
While we continue to forge
ahead and try to make plans ahead yet not too far ahead – as we know that
things can take a turn quickly – the reality of our situation is never too far
away from our thoughts. Is this the
last???... Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, etc. Or at least is this the last one with any
real quality?
While no one knows the answer
to their days on earth, when faced with a “terminal” diagnosis (and that word
in itself is gut-wrenching) each good day is met with a “hurrah”, and you do
not take those days for granted. It is
equally possible that I could go before George as well as any number of other
people we think will live forever. None
of us should take the days for granted.
Just a short while ago the
song, “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings” came on. This music is very sentimental to me as some
dear friends of our used it as the background music for a video they made for
my late husband’s memorial service. As I
listen to it I wonder if each person here on earth has someone who is the wind
beneath their wings – someone who inspires them, moves them to be better
people, makes them feel worthy and loved.
I know we have people in our lives who move us, who “get us”, who are
walking beside us on this journey. They
keep us moving. They keep us
hopeful. We need that.
We are doing our very best to
live each day, appreciate each day, appreciate one another. This holiday season has been pretty
good. George has held up fairly well,
having more good days than bad. We are
thankful for that.
We were able to take a “real”
vacation for the first time in 15 months.
I have a feeling there won’t be any more – at least any more that will
take us on planes anywhere.
Both Thanksgiving and
Christmas went fairly well. George did a
majority of the cooking with a little help from either my son-in-law or
myself. Since George’s diet has changed quite
a bit, he has not been able to truly enjoy the meals as he has in the past.
We have enjoyed having our
grandkids here this week, playing with them, going places with them, making
memories with them. They will leave on
Saturday and while we will love to get back into our quieter routine, we will
definitely miss them.
We look forward to spending
New Years’ Eve with our friends, Keith and Bonnie. We have spent New Years’ Eve with them every
year for many years now. Early dinner
and movie. This year we get to go out
for a movie again after having to spend the evening at our home for a few years
since we had “Mom duty”. Actually, this
is the first year we have not had the added duty of keeping an eye on Mom for
any of the holidays and have been able to just spend time in the moment
enjoying the celebrations.
As we head into the New Year
we have no idea where it will take us.
While 2016 was particularly tough, will the next one be better or worse?
While I am more than ready to kiss 2016 goodbye, a part of me fears going into
2017. The journey with the “C” word is a
most difficult one. It is hard to watch
your loved one change. It is hard to
watch them struggle to have something close to a normal life while living in
fear every day. They are different than
they were before their diagnosis. Some
of the differences are good, others are not.
I can only imagine what the mental struggle is like for George.
Yes, farewell 2016! My prayer is that 2017 is a tad bit kinder to
us. I know there are many changes ahead
for me in more ways than just at home.
But I pray that I can continue to handle them with grace and
dignity. I pray that I continue to have
the strength of mind and body to deal with whatever happens during the
year.
I pray the same for George - -
and all others in my life. May God pour
out His love and fill everyone with peace.
Happy New Year!
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