The C Word – Melancholy Anniversaries

I had a dream recently about Mike’s brother, Tom, and his wife Paula.  It was a dream where we were all together, George and myself, Tom and Paula, and two of their children.  I don’t recognize where it was that we were.  In the dream I had a card for Tom and Paula for their 25^th anniversary and a card for Arthur who just graduated from college.  None of these, of course, are accurate at all as Tom and Paula celebrated their 40^th anniversary last year and Arthur graduated a long time ago. 

I woke from that dream feeling, I don’t know, melancholy or just plain sad.  I’m not exactly sure why, but I have a theory.

Today, June 2, 2019, would have been my 40^th anniversary with Mike.  Nowadays that seems so distant in the past when it used to feel like yesterday. 

Mike died seven months after our 20^th anniversary.  For years we didn’t do big celebrations, maybe going out to dinner just the two of us.  However, on our 20^th anniversary Mike had planned a celebration and we went out for dinner (as usual) but he had invited a host of other people to join us at Charlie Brown’s in Sunnyvale (no longer there).  We had a fun evening eating and visiting with our friends to celebrate. 

In the ensuing months there would be other events, celebrations, etc. for various things.  Looking back at this period of time there were many “last things” that he did to make memories for people he loved. We didn’t know it at the time of course.  We didn’t know that the dinner party at Randi’s was the last time we would have a fun evening like that.  We didn’t know that Thanksgiving with Tom and Paula at their home in Tuolomne would be the last Thanksgiving together.  (When our children were younger it was something we did all the time but in 1999 it was the first time in years that we’d celebrated together.)  We didn’t know that having the opportunity to foster a child, something Mike had wanted to do for years to give back to the system that was so good to him, would end so soon.  The bonus in that situation is that Mike also had the opportunity to be a grandfather for a short time as our foster daughter, Rachel, had a baby just before moving in with us.  We didn’t know that the Y2K (year 2000) celebration that Mike helped pull together at church would be the last party he ever planned.  These are just a few of the things that happened in the months prior to his death that showed God was giving him time to be with people he may have not seen too often, to celebrate with those he loved and whom loved him.  They were the final good-bye’s that we were not aware of.  God knew.

When I married George our theme song was “Grow Old Along With Me”… the best is yet to be.  I had hopes that I would get 20, 25, 30 or more years with him.  I had hopes that I would get to celebrate “big anniversaries” with him.  I was lucky to be young enough to start over and looked forward to the many years ahead of us.  I was just 46, he was 49.  Surely this was achievable!

When George was diagnosed with cancer in 2014 and we learned that this rare cancer was not curable and barely treatable, there was a point in time when I remember thinking that I would never have a 25^th anniversary, maybe not even another 20^th anniversary. 

I remember feeling cheated.  My parents had not only celebrated their 25^th but also their 50^th anniversaries (almost made it to their 60^th).  The parties we had to celebrate those milestones were some of the best memories I had, especially the 50^th.  How joyous, how lucky were they!  How lucky were we to witness that?  Not only were we celebrating their 50^th but also celebrating my oldest brother’s 25^th anniversary and my next older brother’s 15^th.

This year, 2019, means that my brothers will again be celebrating “big” anniversaries.  By big I mean, more than twenty, more than 30.  More than I will get to celebrate.  48, 38, and my younger brother’s will be 36.  In a sense I envy them the longevity of their marriages.  At the same time, I feel sad that I will never achieve such milestones – milestones that I had looked forward to when I was younger.  Milestones I believed were going to be mine as well.

At the time of George’s diagnosis, we had been married eleven years.  We celebrated our twelfth anniversary in the hospital as George was recovering from his first major surgery to try to treat the cancer.  I brought up some dinner for myself while George attempted to try whatever we ordered from the kitchen.  He really wasn’t eating much.  I wasn’t sure if we would see another anniversary.  Those were dark days.

I remember wondering if we would make it to our 13^th, 14^th, or even our 15^th anniversary.  It has been touch and go for the past few years.  We reached our 16th anniversary last year – but there was no celebration.  No dinner out.  No party.  Except for a brief acknowledgement where we said “Happy Anniversary”, it was just another day.  Just another day.  With just four months until our 17^th anniversary, I wonder if he’ll still be here.  If he is, I wonder what condition he’ll be in.  If he makes it to October 11, 2019, it will be an anniversary, but it is likely not to be a happy one. 

As I get older, there will be more anniversaries, “big” anniversaries.  However, these will be ones of a different variety.  Next year marks the 20^th “anniversary” of Mike’s death, the 20^th “anniversary” of my first date with George.  As those anniversaries creep up and up and up, eventually the same will be true for when I commemorate George’s life and his death.  But it’s not the same, not even close, to being able to celebrate here on earth with him. 

Addendum:

As I was going through and weeding out some of my belongings, I came across the wedding dress from when I married Mike.  Since it is not feasible to keep it any longer, I decided to deconstruct it and make something special for Sara, Becke, Addy and Bella. 

I made pillow covers for Sara and Becke.  One side is from my dress.  The other side is made from two small pieces of tie quilts that my mom had made.  Appliqued on to that side are butterflies made from fabrics that were worn by myself, Mike, Sara, Becke and the twins. 

With more of my dress, I made American Girl doll dresses for Addy and Bella’s dolls, Mary Ellen and Grace.  In the bouquet they carry are a couple of flowers from the plastic wedding cake topper we had.