The C Word – A New Battle Day 10 - Self-Perception

I alluded to the fact in an earlier blog that I attribute much of who I am to my mother.  A major factor also must be the fact that I HAVE FAITH.  From a young age I was taught that our God is a loving God, an “omnipresent” (all present) God, an “omniscient” (all knowing) God.  God is Love was over the door to one side of the sanctuary.  I have never doubted that.  It is second nature for me to believe, to have faith, to trust that ALL THINGS WILL WORK OUT FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE.  It is just who I am.  Nothing more and nothing less.

When tragedies strike or horrible circumstances present themselves to me, I am human and initially I have a very human response - - anger, frustration, sadness, confusion.  Generally speaking those periods are very brief.  And then I pick myself up by the bootstraps, brush off the dust, and figure out what do to fix the problem.  Some refer to me as being optimistic, even overly optimistic.  I don’t worry about the future, not in a bleak, “will I have enough” or “what’s going to happen” sort of way.

In college, one of my roommates quoted this saying (pardon, I don’t know the origin of it),

“I am the place where God shines through,
For He and I are one, not two.
He wants me where, and as I am,
I need not fret, nor fear, nor plan.
If I will be relaxed and free
He'll carry out his work through me.”

Easier said than done.  I do have my fair share (or sometimes seemingly unfair) things to fret and fear about.  Sometimes more than I admit to myself. But if we can find moments to “let go and let God”, that’s when we free ourselves from the bondages of self-talk (self-pity, self-hate, self-anything) and we are more able to enjoy life no matter what the challenges are.

But this God of mine, of ours, intends for us to grow in those darkest of moments.  He EXPECTS us to do that.  And so I do – I grow.  Often in ways I never expected, dreamed or even wanted to grow.  I find myself saying, “What exactly am I supposed to do with this information now, God?”  It may seem silly to many people, but eventually the tide will turn and we may figure out the “why’s” of things.  I also know that He may not give us an answer during our lifetime. 

I don’t walk around preaching my beliefs to others. I have my strengths, and that is not one of them. I lead by example as it is easier to show someone than it is to tell someone certain things. 

Now, back to perception.  I tell you I am JUST ME.  I don’t feel that I am anyone special.  Quite the opposite.  I live a fairly ordinary life.  I’ve raised a family that is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  I look at other women and there are traits they have that I still would like to have.  Not in the envious sort of way – well, not most of the time anyway.  There have been times I wished I could “x,y,z” but due to other constraints in my life these things are not achievable and, quite frankly, may never be.  But I can still hope!

When people start singing praises for all that I have done or continue to do, I am quite humbled.  For, you see, I consider myself as someone who just takes life’s ups and downs in stride.  For the most part I am very flexible –changing my course or direction at a moment’s notice as life doesn’t seem to have a straight and narrow course.  I sometimes find it hard to accept those praises when I feel that I am not doing anything extraordinary.  I am only doing what I am supposed to be doing because it is the good and right thing to do.  I am just “me”.  There are so many others out there that deserve high regard. 

And so, as you follow me on this journey, you see my ups and my downs.  You see my sadness followed by my digging into my faith and coming out the other side.  It’s a constant path of uncharted territory with more roadblocks and sand traps to come as we move along. 

Don’t look on me with pity.  Don’t be sad for me.  Do as Jesus does – just come along beside me for whatever bits of time you have (either in person, in prayer, in a virtual world).  Talk to me about what is going on outside of these four walls, for sometimes talking about these four walls can be repetitious or monotonous (yes, even when the you-know-what-hits the fan - -because it keeps on happening).  Let’s talk about other things – tell funny stories – make a joke or two.  When you talk to me about things “outside” my little room, I get to take a breath of fresh air and remember that no matter what is happening inside of this room, life is still being lived, the earth is still spinning, the sun is still shining (or for some the rain is still falling).  Sometimes I will need you to get behind me and push me or get in front of me and pull me – but mostly I just need you beside me.  By doing that – and by the Grace of God – no matter what happens on this journey I know that ALL WILL WORK OUT.  God has the last word – His will, not mine. 

Thank you for being part of my world, however vicariously – I know many people I do not personally know are following progress.  Nothing very new to report for today.  George had another plasma infusion last night.  Today has been relatively quiet.  He has been more alert  - for short bits of time anyway.   That is progress.  Forward movement.  Am grateful for that right now.