The C Word – A New Battle Day 278 - The Beginning of the End

This week I wind down my “career” at the Blind Center.  When I started there four years ago, I was at a place in my life where I needed diversion.  My mom had dies months earlier which threw me into a mental downspin.  My husband was working full time. And, though I had not held a job in more than a half dozen years (by choice), I found that I had too much time on my hands.  I started as a volunteer, working two half days for a few months.  That morphed into 1 ½ days and then, voila!  It morphed into a nearly full time job (30 hours a week) even though the prior staff did a forty hour a week work load.

Over the course of the four years there I also was a part-time caregiver for George’s mom.  What is it they say – if you want something to get done, find someone who is already busy!  As the years progressed there were times when taking care of mom required almost as many hours as my job at the center.  But work was my place where I got as much or more than I felt I gave.

And then, nearly 3 years ago we got the news of George’s cancer.  But, again, work was a place I could go to and put some distance between me and the cancer.  As long as I kept busy, my brain did not have time to think about the realities.  As it was, there was still plenty of time for that.

However, then I found not only was I working 30 hours but I was caring for mom AND for George.  Over time we did find some part time help for mom so I could have a little breathing room.  Our morning caregiver, Olive, was a godsend.  We could count on her day after day, week after week, month after month.  We had a harder time retaining an evening caregiver.  There were times I left work, picked up Mom from daycare, brought her home, fed her, then went and fixed dinner for George and myself, and then back to Mom’s until her bedtime (fortunately she liked to go to be early enough!).  For short periods of time, that was acceptable. 

But then, George broke his neck… and then his belly started causing problems.  So we found a place for Mom to live so I could be available for him.  And then came surgery number two where I literally lived at the hospital for three weeks – and then needed to stay home for another few weeks because of the level of care.  I reduced my hours to twenty a week.  This meant I was doing a 40 hour a week job, first in 30 hours a week and now in 20 hours a week.  No pressure there!  However, I’d learned how to make the data entry easier and quicker so, though at times I was very busy, I could manage. 

This second surgery showed us just how quickly things can change with cancer and it wasn’t long before I was considering how or when to leave my job.  I do believe that God speaks to us… and I think he began long before I was aware of it.  Already putting things in place.  God of Grace… He knows what we will need before we do. 

By the end of our Christmas break, I began getting “nudges” from God.  “It’s time.”  When I drove to work on January 3^rd, I felt like a parent who went to work and left their child at daycare for the first time.  I cried.  Leaving George home was hard that day.  I know, it sounds silly, but I just felt “off”. 

As the weeks progressed I found myself thinking about it more and more.  We did hire a receptionist type person who knows how to work with computer data entry.  Was I really thinking I was training my replacement?  After all, much of the work she was doing to help me in my job was the EXACT same things I’d been doing when I volunteered!  How ironic is that?  Was this God putting somebody where they needed to be - - for ME?? 

By the end of February I concluded that it was time to leave – and then the final nudge with the exact date.

Now, here it is.  The beginning of the end.  Down to the final few days.  I’ve been training someone to do my computer data entry and reporting workload for about 6 weeks.  I’ve told the clients I am leaving – at least leaving my paid post as staff.  At this point I fully intend to stay on as a volunteer as I can.

But in a mere few days I will be saying goodbye to a job that has been my refuge.  I will be leaving staff who have become like family to me.  We have been a SUPER team together. 

And I am stepping off into the next part of this journey.  I will have opportunities (God willing) to make new memories with George while I can.  I will also be able to respond to his needs without having to think about whether or not I can get work done, without having to worry about having to wake up and work after spending the night in the emergency room.  Freeing.

I have some grandiose plans in place so I have no fear about being bored.  I have three separate fundraisers planned – all requiring time but which can be done no matter where I am.  I have a couple of projects at home that I haven’t been able to get to as well. 

So, here I go – ending one chapter of my life, beginning another.  Life cycles.  That’s how life is.  I’m ready…. Ready…. Set…. Go!

The C Word – A New Battle Day 271 - Turn off the Tunes!

I go through phases throughout this journey where I have sleepless times, fitful sleep.  I may fall asleep quickly at first.  But, nearly every night I awaken to use the bathroom at some point.  Somewhere between 2 and 4AM this will happen. On good nights, I can fall right back to sleep.  Other nights, sleep eludes me.  Sometimes I will try to fall back to sleep, other nights I will give up and maybe pull out my Kindle for an hour or two until I get tired again.  Once in a while I go downstairs and watch TV.  Anything to kill time while I hope to fall asleep at some point for just a bit longer.

Last night was one of those nights. I crept back to bed after using the bathroom.  Then, “it” happened.  I got a tune stuck in my head that just would not stop.  I confess that I listen to Praise and Worship music quite a bit.  It’s background music softly playing.  I admit that I also am not very good about learning words to music.  Even ones I listen to a hundred million times.  I know phrases, maybe refrains, but mostly just bits and pieces.  And last night this one small bit kept drumming in my brain over and over and over again. I didn’t know the name of the song, I only know part of the tune from memory.  It was driving me bonkers.  I tried to think of other things or ‘hum’ something else.  But this tune kept coming back to haunt me.  Just this one part, one phrase and, upon looking it up when I awoke this morning, I didn’t even have the phrase correct.  But it matched the tune so what the heck! 

Anyway, because this small piece of music insisted on making itself known all morning long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep.  I may have dozed off, I may have fallen asleep and not known it.  But every time I came to consciousness, the same thing kept happening… over and over and over.

I looked up the song by googling the partial phrase I thought was part of the song.  Luckily Google is good at picking up on inaccuracies!  The song was “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns.  As I read the lyrics, I couldn’t help but think that once again God is sending me messages.  Here are the words:

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because…

So here I am, on this Easter Sunday, with God “screaming” at me all night long!  The only part of the melody my feeble tired brain even knew all night was “You (I) are (am) a flower quickly fading” and something about blowing in the wind.  (See how bad I am at knowing words!) 

God is telling you and me that He is there to catch us, to watch over us.  He hears us when we call no matter how loud the outer forces of our lives are.  He must know that I need this reminder.  I didn’t know I needed it. 

And it is appropriate for this Easter Day when we are reminded what Jesus did on the cross for us. 

I am grateful that we were able to go to church today and worship with others, receiving Holy Communion as a congregation.  It was made even more special because my brother and sister in law (Edd & Ingrid) joined us for this celebration service.  We have a little more time to spend with them, one more day, until they head back to Thailand. 

Thankfully, there were some great hymns at church today so I think Casting Crowns will be quiet for a bit.  I hope so!  Because I could use some good sleep! 

The C Word – A New Battle Day 269 - Rainy Times

It is just after 2AM on a very rainy morning.  As I listen to the rain beating down on the concrete patio and on the rooftop, I imagine how wonderful it would be if this were the middle of the day and the temperature was a bit balmy so I could sit outside and just let it rain and wash all over me.  Wash aware the worry, wash away the cares – and allow me to just “be” in the moment of the rainy day. 

These past few weeks leave me with so many wandering thoughts.

I think of George’s mom.  She appears to be on a steadier decline.  Her brain is often not translating properly.  She talks in her sleep a lot, even shouting and beating on walls at times.  She doesn’t talk a lot during the day – only answering when asked questions or when talk is stimulated.  The caregivers are not always sure if she is awake or asleep at night.  When she lived here I sometimes would crack the door open and just watch her.  In sleep she is very animated, her hands gesturing as she “talks” to people in her dreams.  Lately she appears to be talking to John a lot.  John is her son that died in 2009.  We think it is a sign of her beginning to communicate with those who have crossed over to heaven as she prepares to meet them there.   When she was put on hospice they estimated three months of life left.  Although she is approaching that timeline soon, she may go a tad bit longer. 

Then, there is George.  He experiences discomfort fairly frequently.  A trip to the ER a few weeks back indicated that nothing “acute” is going on.  At least at that point in time.  He has had better days this week, even doing some yard work yesterday.  He worries a lot, too.  He worries about me, about his kids, about his sister.  And, yes, about himself too.  But more about the affect this disease is having on everyone else.  There are times when I feel restless in bed and want to get up early in the morning to sit quietly in the living room and busy myself with unimportant task (i.e. read mail or facebook or play games on my iPod).  However, I know that he sometimes senses when I am not in bed, so I lay quietly so he gets the sleep he needs.  I know by his breathing when he is slumbering pretty well.  This morning I carefully crept out of bed – and eventually will quietly sneak back to bed. 

Finally, there is work.  I’ve been training my replacement for about six weeks now.  She is doing well and should be able to come up to speed in relatively short order.  Yesterday I informed the clients about my departure which will be two weeks from today.  Tears shed – them and me.  It was hard for me to tell them.  They’ve been so supportive.  But my departure is made more difficult because one of my co-workers is going through a tough period right now.  I don’t know any details because she’s shut down where communication is concerned.  Her not being there is hard on all of us.  Her not telling us what is going on makes us resentful.  We don’t understand.  I’m awake right now because I am worried about her.  Just as she had a “dream” that I’d left work on the same day I was making that decision, I can’t help but wonder if she is struggling right now in this moment.  I pray for her that she knows she doesn’t have to be alone in her time of need.

Random thought:  As I turned on my computer this morning I stared at my screen shot.  It is a photograph of my daughters, sister in law and myself as we displayed our teddy bears back in February.  My daughters have such beautiful smiles.  (Two of them were paid for, LOL, and the third has got a naturally good smile!)  I am so thankful for them.  Their smiles brighten my day. 

Tonight my brain goes round and round.  Hopefully my writing about it will help me process everything and I can go back to sleep soon.  In a few short weeks that will pass quickly by, I start the next phase of this journey.  Without work beckoning me I can concentrate on George more.  I do realize that I need to balance that with other things in life.  I need to figure out a way to get regular exercise in.  I do have some craft projects to work on.  And I am planning a fundraising endeavor which will require some amount of planning which will keep me busy for a few months.  I am hoping the George and I can get away now and then to do things we haven’t had time or energy for these past few years.  All of these have some flexibility built in so I can do them as time permits.  I’ll be on George’s schedule now (for the most part).  For a time we will both be retired, doing what we want or what we can do together.  We will likely drive each other crazy at times!  That’s what “old married folk” do!

Alas, I am settled down some and will make my way back to sweet slumber.  Rambling writing helps me work through issues.  I am thankful I inherited the writing genes of both my parents.  Whoever is out there in the universe reading this, thank you for putting up with me! HAHA!  I wonder if I put you to sleep, too!

As I prepare to go back to bed now that I have allowed my feelings to be released, I notice that the rain has also stopped for the time being.  Coincidence??  Did I just experience a virtual rain?  A cleansing without getting wet sort of rain?  Hmm??  As quoted in the old TV sitcom, Hogan’s Heroes, “Verrrrrrry Interesting!”