The “C” Word – Day 42 Five Stages of Grief

While the model of the five stages of grief was first used for those experiencing death or impending death, it is often a good model for those who are going through ANY major life change. 

A few years after Mike died I had an opportunity to share with others via leading some grief and loss Bible studies.  I always let those in the class know about the stages of grief and the fact that it is possible to move back forth between the stages and repeat some of the stages for quite a long time.  There is no specific order for how to deal with the various stages. 

We have gone through all of these stages in some way, shape or form in the past seven weeks.

After the initial diagnosis in the emergency room there was a sense of denial.  Did they read the results wrong?  Could it possibly be something else?  There was a great sense of disbelief.  Once we had further testing done, there was no denying the fact that we were facing a big monster of a disease.  (The surgery being done has also been referred to as “MOAS” or the Mother Of All Surgeries.)

Anger is sometimes hard to define or recognize.  Often it is subliminal and exhibits itself in our behaviors or reactions. George did not recognize it in himself.  Sure he can be sad, or anxious, or tired but right underneath the surface of all that is the fact that he is angry.  His “rosy” future has been stolen from him.  He has had to make some major changes in his life such as curtailing work and thinking about a lot of “what if’s” that would never have been on his mind if he never had this diagnosis. There are a lot appointments for doctors and tests, preparing physically for the surgery, the surgery, the hospital stay and post-surgery appointments that require shifting of schedules that will stress us out.  He lives with a constant, nagging fear.  He has every right to be angry.  This is a huge disruption in both of our lives.  It has forced us to make decisions we just don’t want to have to make. 

During the first week after diagnosis he went through a great deal of bargaining – with God.  That is a natural response.  “If you do xyz then I will do abc.”  I am sure many people go through the bargaining phase.  It may include the following types of “deals”: I promise to be a better person.  I promise to listen better.  I will work to make others’ lives easier.  I will love harder and stronger.  I will become a better wife/husband/child, etc.  Whatever you feel your ‘weaknesses’ are you promise to do better. 

Whether or not we actually follow through on those bargaining deals may be inconsequential in the end.  We may or may not do them.  We may have the greatest intentions.  We may start off following through and then as time progresses they become less and less important until… the next time we are confronted with a new issue in which we feel the need to bargain again.  At the time of our crisis, though, it is extremely important for us to feel as though making a deal will increase the odds in favor of our physical outcome.  Realistically they don’t have any bearing on it, but we feel better when we strike a bargain.

When we are going through major illness, major life changes, or death it is natural to go through periods of sadness, crying, being an emotional wreck.  When those feelings become overwhelming and continue without ceasing it is cause for concern as the person actually be depressed.  Traumatic circumstances can upset our internal clocks and signals.  It may require the help of a counselor and/or medications to help bring those things back into perspective.  While talking to our loved ones about what is going on is certainly helpful, it is best to get help from a certified therapist, a “disinterested third party” who can help determine the best treatment(s) to give you coping skills not only for what you are dealing with in the current “here and now” but also to life in general as you move towards the future. 

Often times our reactions now are based in things that happened to us in our younger lives.  How we were treated or how our families behaved or other things that happened in our lives along the way have a direct impact on how we deal with things now.  We are often not even aware of these things until someone helps bring them to light.  We cannot change what happened in the past, but we can choose how we will react going forward.

The final stage of grief is acceptance.  This is when you realize that you cannot change anything.  This is when you are ready to acknowledge that life will be different and that you are ready to live in that “different” life.  We sometimes call that the “new normal”.  When a loved one has died your life most certainly is changed in a multitude of ways.  It can take a very long time to accept these differences and embrace the new normal. 

One thing is almost always certain though – you will go through more than one “new normal” in your life time.  Learning how to cope, get through, react or respond to life’s circumstances is a constant on-going process.  It does not matter how old you are you will be constantly adjusting to life – whether it be because of physical limitations due to aging or illness, or career changes or people coming and going in our lives – we will always be going through changes requiring us to adapt.  And sometimes along with we will be going in and out of the other four stages noted. 

Currently, while there is a part of us that is anxious to have the surgery behind us so we can get back to living again, we are not really looking forward to the actual surgery itself.  It is a double edged sword – a necessary evil.  We have to wrap our heads around the fact that there will be a lot of things being pulled out, moved around, etc. in George’s belly.  Afterward, it all has to be put back in and it will take time for it all to settle back in place.  It will take some time to adjust to the physical changes that will take place.  I am sure there will be some days where things are just down right uncomfortable for George at least during the first few months of recovery.  It will require perseverance and patience – and there may be days that those are in short supply.  Without overdoing it he will need to move around, walk around, sit up in chairs, etc. as those will aid in the healing process.

However, this cancer will always be lurking in the shadow.  At this point in time we know it is going to come back at some point down the road.  Right now that eats at George because he hates the fact that he may have to go through this all again.  He wonders about the financial impact this will have on our medical costs.  He goes through a lot of the “what ifs” for down the road – and we haven’t even finished traveling the current road and made it through the first surgery. 

I worry that he will not be able to fully enjoy his life because he will always be worrying about “what’s next”.  I read about cancer patients, cancer survivors who do not let the fact that they may be dying rule their lives.  In a strange way I am envious of them. They still take vacations, make plans, get out and have fun in spite of their diagnosis.  They try to do new things, create special memories. They have figured out a way to make the best of their time on this planet in spite of their prognosis.  I want that for George, for us.  Truly I want that for anyone, we all deserve to be able to live life to the fullest.  I do not want this disease to define George and thereby define what we are able to do with our lives. 

I hope that with further therapy he can learn to become less anxious and more motivated to live in the moment and get great enjoyment out of life.  I hope that he will be able to “forget” as much as possible that there is cancer inside of him.  I am sure that with each scheduled test that will be done for follow up there will be a certain amount of anxiety, for surely none of us looks forward to the prospect of having to go through this again. But in between those appointments I pray that things will get as close to “normal” again – whatever the new normal happens to be.